$20 Million? Bitch Really IS Crazy.

Paula Abdul is not coming back to American Idol, and now we know why: the show's producers were offering her a multi-year package worth $10 million, but that was only half what the addled Paula was demanding.

Yes, Paula Abdul wanted $20 million to stay on American Idol. And for some reason the FOX people wouldn't go for it.

Actually, maybe Paula has a gripe. According to the New York Times, Ryan Seacrest recently re-upped to the tune of $45 million over three years.

How in the fuck is Ryan Seacrest's contribution to that show worth $45 million? He doesn't fucking do anything! At least Paula brings that weird sexual tension with Simon Cowell, and the ever-present possibility of an on-camera meltdown.

Then again, look at it from FOX's perspective. You really gonna invest $20 million in a woman who's capable of downing a shitload of pills and driving herself off a cliff at any moment? You'd be better off hiring Britney Spears. At least she can be controlled, with shiny objects and the occasional smack to the back of the head.

Oddly enough, $20 million is also the exact amount you would have to pay me to sit through an entire episode of American Idol.

This Should Be Good (And By Good I Mean The Opposite Of Good)

Ryan Seacrest is planning a new reality show, to star Hollywood wash-out Lindsay Lohan.

"Met with Lindsay last night about a show idea I have for her," Seacrest tweeted after being seen out in Hollywood with Lohan Thursday night. "It helps people and gives others a second shot!"

Or, in Lindsay's case, a 52nd shot.

Is it very wise to be entering into any kind of endeavor that involves Lindsay Lohan? Pretty much everything she's done since Mean Girls has been a flop. That includes her relationships and attempts at stealing jewelry. The girl is just a loser. But, Seacrest is used to being around such pitiful cases. He hosts American Idol. He deals with Paula Abdul on a daily basis.

Maybe Al Roker Should Moderate Presidential Debates From Now On

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Forget about Brian Williams, Charlie Gibson, David Gregory and all those other allegedly hard-hitting journalists: Al Roker is the only guy with the cojones to really take on the big newsmakers of the day. He proved that on the Today Show this morning by totally frying Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag. Those two frauds thought they were going to sit there and get softballs lobbed at them, but instead, Big Al came at them like a freight train. And all Heidi and Spencer could do was stand there like a couple of winos frozen on the tracks.

It was such a horrible grilling that, afterward, Montag even suggested she felt physically threatened. "I was shocked at how rude he was - I was crying afterwards because I couldn't believe I felt personally attacked," the dumb bitch told that other dumb bitch Ryan Seacrest. "I wanted to say to him, do you feel proud of how you're talking to me right now? I'm just a young woman and you're coming at me so aggressively and meanly and mean-spirited. I really would advise women especially to be careful around him because I feel like he definitely came and attacked me and I did not appreciate that at all."

Oh please Heidi...the only things that need to feel threatened around Al Roker are pastries. If you're a bearclaw and you see Al coming, might as well kiss your tasty ass goodbye. What Al did to you was not abusive or in the least bit out-of-line, but was simply a matter of course. You and that douchebag husband of yours spend your lives spreading bullshit around; okay, so, now someone called you on your bullshit. It will happen from time-to-time. If you don't like it, then stay out of the fucking spotlight. Seriously bitch, if you can't handle a little hammering from Al Roker, what the hell can you handle?

It Could Happen To Anyone

Ryan Seacrest is catching lots of flack for trying to high-five a blind American Idol contestant. It's been a bad week for the midget, gleamy-toothed Seacrest who was also snubbed by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie on the Golden Globes red carpet. And I heard his goldfish left him and his dog has come down with a bad case of the shits. Ryan needs a hug. One of those hearty hugs men give each other that don't mean anything but look really suspicious.

Which Of These Things Is Not Like The Others?

Okay you've got Taylor Swift there, Demi Lovato, the Jonas Brothers, Ryan Seacrest hosting and...Lionel Richie? How the fuck did he get past security? Seacrest turned around and he was like, "Woah, Lionel. I thought you died five years ago in a horrible natural gas explosion at a homeless shelter." I'm glad to see Taylor Swift has gotten past her heartbreak over the one Jonas twit dumping her. Funny how fast we can put those things aside when someone offers us money to be on television.

Perez Hilton Claims John Mayer is Bisexual

Perez Hilton is apparently desperate to get people to pay attention to him. That's the only explanation for his absurd claim that he made out with John Mayer in front of Jessica Simpson at New York's club Stereo last year.

Hilton makes this claim in the new issues of Life & Style and In Touch (both of which should have their headquarters blown up by terrorists for propagating such bullshit). The zit-faced pantload then went on Ryan Seacrest's show to repeat the lies, saying, "He is definitely bi.

"He kissed me, and I kissed him back. It was on the mouth with tongue.

"I thought he was messing with me. Then he kept going and going."

Perez then outdid himself for vileness by saying Mayer's ex-girlfriend Jessica Simpson was there, and not only didn't mind, but actually joined in by rubbing Mayer's crotch.

Okay Perez...so John Mayer stuck his tongue down your throat in front of people, and Jessica Simpson rubbed his crotch at the same time. I hope to tell you're only screwing with us on this one, because if you actually expect us to believe this, then you have seriously flipped your wig.

Gary Busey Disrupts Ryan Seacrest/Jennifer Garner Red Carpet Interview

That was the most interesting interview Jennifer Garner has ever given in her life. I really wish Gary Busey had lost it entirely, torn Seacrest's arm off and waved it around like some crazed Mongol warrior.

Longoria And Parker Marry - Again

Eva Longoria and Tony Parker made it official in the eyes of that great delusion in the sky known as God by standing for a ceremony in some joint called the Church of Saint Germain l'Auxerrois which is near the Louvre. Legally they were already married - they got that taken care of Friday at Paris City Hall - but when you're famous of course one wedding is just not enough.

Guests for the affair reportedly included Eva's Desperate Housewives co-stars Felicity Huffman and Nicolette Sheridan, as well as Sheryl Crow, Jessica Alba, Mario Lopez and Ryan Seacrest. No word yet on whether Lopez and Seacrest hooked up at the hotel but I'm guessing yes. For those who enjoy accounts of gratuitous displays of wealth: Eva and Tony reportedly received a pair of engraved $3000 watches among their gifts, and the bridesmaids all got $400 snakeskin clutches. I haven't been able to find any pictures of Eva and Tony so you'll have to content yourself with Huffman and her man William H. Macy leaving the hotel, and Nicolette Sheridan looking like she's about to faint.




It couldn't have been the heat that bothered Nicolette - people who've had that much plastic surgery no longer experience those kinds of sensations.

(source)

Heather Mills Pretends To Feel

Listen to this bit of audio from the Ryan Seacrest show this morning, which features Heather Mills becoming all emotional after a caller apologizes for buying into the media's negative portrayal of her in the wake of her split from Paul McCartney:

AUDIO HERE!

All right, Ryan Seacrest - you are the most shameless ass-kissing phony on the face of the earth. You should be lanced like a boil. And about that caller - am I supposed to believe that some woman just decided to call up the Ryan Seacrest show and say she was sorry to Heather Mills, and that Heather had won her over? Yeah right - that whole thing was such a set-up. How much did Heather pay that bitch? And Heather getting all emotional after that - another load of bullshit. And her little tearful speech about how she's done charity work for 14 years, so that proves she's not a gold-digger, and how she fell madly in love with Paul and gave up 7 years of her life. Yeah, Heather, you're all about sacrifice aren't you? The world just takes and takes - starting with your dumb leg, ha ha - and you just give and give. You never stop giving. And you want nothing in return and you're just a loving woman who was misrepresented by the media, who are all out to destroy you. I hate this woman so much, I swear, I think my hair may start on fire.

Hilary Duff Does Seacrest('s Show)

Hilary Duff pops in to Ryan Seacrest's KISS-FM show to promote her new record (or something). Duff's teeth no longer protrude as much as they used to, but look at Seacrest's. I think her old teeth may have been transplanted to his mouth.

Seriously, just stare at that picture for a minute. Those are the beautiful people. Damn. If they're beautiful, I'd hate to see ugly.

Ryan Seacrest Likes Oral Infections

Ryan Seacrest is hosting tonight's New Year's coverage on ABC, along with old fossil Dick Clark, and is hoping for a kiss from performer Christina Aguilera at the stroke of midnight.

"Last year I got lucky with Mariah (Carey)," said Seacrest, "so hopefully at that moment she's right there."

There are so many things wrong with that last statement. First off, there's nothing lucky about being kissed by Mariah Carey. You're lucky if she doesn't fall over on top of you and crush your spine. Second, everyone knows you're gay Ryan, so stop trying to act all straight and shit. And third, a kiss from Christina Aguilera? Might as well slide a round into a revolver, give the old cylinder a spin and stick it to your forehead.

By the way, Crabbie will not be watching Ryan and Dick on ABC. Crabbie will not be watching any of the New Year's coverage, nor will he be attending any celebrations of any kind. Crabbie has sort of a tradition on New Year's, which involves large volumes of alcohol and whatever pills he can get his hands on. So Crabbie won't be precisely conscious when the stroke of midnight hits. And with any luck he won't be conscious at all again until maybe Thursday. So, if you're the one who finds me passed out on your stoop this year - well, just throw a blanket over me, okay? And try not to let your dog piss in my hair.

Ryan Seacrest Talks About Nicole Richie. Really? Not Middle-Eastern Politics Or Quantum Mechanics?

Homolicious host Ryan Seacrest felt compelled, for some reason, to tell People Magazine his feelings about Nicole Richie's recent troubles. Way to exploit someone else's hardships as a way of getting yourself a little ink Ryan. By the way, you didn't lose my number did you? Cause you never call.

Anyway, here's some of Ryan's interview:

I think that anytime you're in a situation like that and it's dangerous, you're worried for the person in that situation and you're also worried for the people around that person. The most frightening thing about it is that she was in great danger as well as people on the freeway that night and anytime you see something like that that could result in a massive catastrophe, you worry for anybody that's involved.

Translation: I have nothing really to say about this subject, or anything else, so I'll just spout some nonsense. By the way, did you know I have a radio show on KISS-FM? And I'm still on American Idol. I so rock.

There was one amusing little tidbit to come out of Ryan's ramblings, however:

I also know Nicole to be a very sweet, peaceful, charismatic and charming young girl that loves her dog. When she comes in [for an interview on my radio show], she's a great mom to her dogs and hopefully she's close to getting to that place again.

She's a great mom to her dogs. Hopefully she will be able to get over her terrible addictions and propensity to nearly kill innocent motorists because it would be a shame if those dogs lost their mother.

Ryan, a bit of advice hon - close your mouth and spread your cheeks. Because what's down there is way more interesting than anything that will ever come out of that other hole you insist on speaking with. Seriously. Shut up. You're gonna give fairies a bad name (it's bad enough that we're stuck with Elton John and Tony Blair).

Crabbie's Quickies: Longoria/Parker Engagement; Sheen/Richards Divorce; Anna Nicole Booted; DeVito Drunk

Swarthy Desperate Housewife Eva Longoria and Euro-trash basketballer Tony Parker have announced their engagement.

Longoria broke the news first to her friend Ryan Seacrest in an early-morning phone call. Seacrest's high-pitched squeal of excitement was so powerful it shattered crystal five-hundred miles away.

***

On the flip-side of marriage news, Charlie Sheen and his estranged wife Denise Richards are officially divorced.

So now when Charlie fucks hookers, it's no longer technically adultery.

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Brain-dead model Anna Nicole Smith has been ordered to vacate her Bahamas home, several months after originally being evicted.

I'm not actually sure I would want to live in a house Anna Nicole Smith had previously occupied. That booze-belch odor is hard to get out, and then there are all the bodies buried in the backyard.

***

Rotund actor Danny DeVito is taking lots of shit over his drunken appearance yesterday on ABC's The View.

I don't know about you, but if I knew I was going to be facing Rosie O'Donnell in a few hours, I'd be pouring liquor down my throat like Shelley Winters at a wrap party (and that's a lot of drinking, folks).