Joss Whedon Writes A Mean Open Letter

The owners of the rights to The Terminator have expressed their desire to sell that particular franchise (it was probably worth more before Terminator: Salvation came along). And lo and behold, they already have one prospective bidder: geek-auteur Joss Whedon, who expressed his interest in purchasing the moribund film property via an amusing open letter which I will now reprint:

An Open Letter to the Terminator Owners. From a Very Important Hollywood Mogul

Dear Sirs/Ma'ams,

I am Joss Whedon, the mastermind behind Titan A.E., Parenthood (not the movie) (or the new series) (or the one where 'hood' was capitalized 'cause it was a pun), and myriad other legendary tales. I have heard through the 'grapevine' that the Terminator franchise is for sale, and I am prepared to make a pre-emptive bid RIGHT NOW to wrap this dealio up. This is not a joke, this is not a scam, this is not available on TV. I will write a check TODAY for $10,000, and viola! Terminator off your hands.

No, you didn't miscount. That's four -- FOUR! -- zeroes after that one. That's to show you I mean business. And I mean show business. Nikki Finke says the Terminator concept is played. Well, here's what I have to say to Nikki Finke: you are a fine journalist and please don't ever notice me. The Terminator story is as formative and important in our culture -- and my pretend play -- as any I can think of. It's far from over. And before you Terminator-Owners (I have trouble remembering names) rush to cash that sweet cheque, let me give you a taste of what I could do with that franchise:

1) Terminator... of the Rings! Yeah, what if he time-travelled TOO far... back to when there was dragons and wizards? (I think it was the Dark Ages.) Hasta La Vista, Boramir! Cool, huh? "Now you gonna be Gandalf the Red!" RRRRIP! But then he totally helps, because he's a cyborg and he doesn't give a s#&% about the ring -- it has no power over him! And he can carry it AND Frodo AND Sam AND f@%& up some orcs while he's doing it. This stuff just comes to me. I mean it. (I will also offer $10,000 for the Lord of the Rings franchise).

2) More Glau. Hey. There's a reason they're called "Summer" movies.

3) Can you say... musical? Well don't. Even I know that's an awful idea.

4) Christian Bale's John Connor will get a throat lozenge. This will also help his Batwork (ten grand for that franchise too, btw.)

5) More porn. John Connor never told Kyle Reese this, but his main objective in going to the past was to get some. What if there's a lot of future-babies that have to be made? Cue wah-wah pedal guitar -- and dollar signs!

6) The movies will stop getting less cool.

Okay. There's more -- this brain don't quit! (though it has occasionally been fired) -- but I think you get my drift. I really believe the Terminator franchise has only begun to plumb the depths of questioning the human condition during awesome stunts, and I'd like to shepherd it through the next phase. The money is there, but more importantly, the heart is there. But more importantly, money. Think about it. End this bloody bidding war before it begins, and put the Terminator in the hands of someone who watched the first one more than any other movie in college, including "Song of Norway" (no current franchise offer). Sincerely, Joss Whedon.

Wow. Joss Whedon just went up a tiny notch in my esteem. I may now even endeavor to see one of his movies or watch one of his TV shows. Soon as I get done weaving my belly-button lint into yarn.

More Garbage In the Pipeline

Sin City, besides being one of those obnoxiously over-designed green screen monstrosities, was also vilely misogynistic and frankly childish in its psycho-sadist comic book drone view of the universe. And now there's going to be a sequel!

The news came straight from producer Stephen L'Heureux, who said the movie will go into production in early 2010. And by "production" I mean, well-known actors will stand in front of a big green wall reciting horrible overcooked dialogue while geeks with computers sit in some dark room creating a jack-off noir-graphic-novel universe to pin said actors against like helpless insects.

The bundle of pure newborn-puppy-like joy will come to movie screens some time in 2011.

Sand, Jake Gyllenhaal's Hair, Sand

A trailer is up for Jake Gyllenhaal's Prince of Persia: Pretty Eyes and Long Hair Make Us Happy in the Place We're Not Supposed to Touch. It's Disney, so, it will only be sneaky-dirty, not flat-out like we want.

Blair Witch Revisit

Eduardo Sanchez, one of the makers of the original Blair Witch Project, says that after years of trying to escape being "the guy who made Blair Witch," he is ready to embrace his crappy-horror-movie legacy and do a Blair Witch 3.

If only someone will let him.

To that end, Sanchez says that he and co-BWP-creator Daniel Myrick have walked the old Blair Witch grounds seeking inspiration, and come up with something they're ready to sell.

"We're at the step where we're about to pitch to Lionsgate, which owns the movie rights now," Sanchez said. "It's pretty much up to them. They can completely squash it or greenlight it."

In the wake of Paranormal Activity aka Blair Witch 2009, Sanchez and Myrick probably feel now is the perfect time to revisit the one good idea they ever had, and try to resuscitate their careers.

I say I would rather drink a giant mug of paint thinner and chase it with liquefied rat dung than sit through another 90 minutes of bad actors blowing snot into a hand-held camera being operated by a palsy victim. But that's just me. And most of the world.

Pissed Off At Mad Men

Some goofy British fucker is pissed off at Mad Men for what he claims is an inaccurate depiction of the company London Fog, which featured in an early Season 3 episode.

The fucker says Mad Men is wrong to say that London Fog was a failing company in the early '60s, and is way wrong when it shows Sterling-Cooper solving their image problem by releasing a sexy advert starring a nude model.

Fucker also says that the advertising industry was not moribund in the early '60s, as the show suggests, but was in fact vibrant and alive. The man criticizes the show for showing ad men as "dinosaurs trapped in the '50s."

Dear fucker: Congratulations, you got the point of the show. That Don Draper and Roger Sterling and everyone else are still stuck in the '50s, and that Sterling-Cooper is a dying operation compared to other, more chic and modern ad agencies.

Dear fucker continued: The show uses its depiction of the past to comment on the present, hence the poetic license. Someone find this idiot and slap him around for me, 'kay?

By the way, last night's episode: Totally shocked when the dude shot Oswald. Didn't see that coming at all. That's why the Mad Men writers ROCK.

This Will Not Be On My Bucket List

Warners is scheming to get Bucket List stars Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson back together for another sure pot o' geriatric comedy gold. They already have a script, called "Dirty Old Men," and have Freeman all signed up. The story would apparently star Nicholson as an aging playboy (typecasting) and Freeman as his old pal who tries to break up his new romance (with Evan Rachel Wood, probably.).

Way up high on the list of things I never saw coming is "Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman become the new Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor."

Keep Your Eyes On The Money Nic

Nicolas Cage has made millions of dollars over the years starring in cinematic masterpieces like Ghost Rider and The Wicker Man. Nevertheless, as we speak, Nicolas Cage finds himself facing bankruptcy and a possible ass-whupping by the IRS.

And how exactly does one of the most successful movie stars in the world end up in such dire straits? It's simple. He hired someone else to watch his money, then didn't watch the guy he hired to watch his money.

The guy, business advisor Samuel Levin, is now being sued by Cage for "[lining] his pockets with several million dollars in business management fees while sending Cage down a path toward financial ruin."

"Financial ruin" in this case means a reported $20 million in losses, including $6 million owed to the IRS and $5 million in mortgage debt. He needs to get on the horn with the tax relief specialists, stat.

Actually, Cage has already begun the process of trying to restore his financial standing. He has sold off assets including his comic book collection and Bavarian castle.

Imagine, a man with a $2 million comic book collection and his own personal Bavarian castle being irresponsible with money.

Sadly, Nic Cage has no one to blame for this but himself. Nic Cage wanted to live a life free from responsibility and care. Nic Cage wanted to blow bucks on silly things and not worry about all that messy financial reality. Nic Cage wanted to read his comic books, have his friends over to his Bavarian castle, marry Elvis's daughter and basically stay 14 forever.

And - surprise, surprise - some unscrupulous person came along, realized what an easy mark the devil-may-care Nic Cage would be, and took him for all he could get.

Let this be a warning to all you big-shot movie stars who don't want to deal with all that irritating paper work and legal stuff: there are people who will pretend to want to help you, but they actually want to screw you. Yes, it's true - sometimes when people flatter you and kiss your ass, they are only trying to get in with you so they can rip you off. They don't actually mean all the compliments.

Poor Nic Cage. Poor dumb, self-involved bastard.