This Will Not Be On My Bucket List

Warners is scheming to get Bucket List stars Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson back together for another sure pot o' geriatric comedy gold. They already have a script, called "Dirty Old Men," and have Freeman all signed up. The story would apparently star Nicholson as an aging playboy (typecasting) and Freeman as his old pal who tries to break up his new romance (with Evan Rachel Wood, probably.).

Way up high on the list of things I never saw coming is "Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman become the new Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor."

She's Moved On To Semi-Humans

Evan Rachel Wood is no longer together with that subhuman Marilyn Manson, but has traded up for semi-human Shane West. This is progress Evan. Perhaps your next boyfriend will have the correct number of chromosomes. At least you have the good sense not to let any of these science experiments get you pregnant. Save that womb for when you at last land a Homo sapien.

She Likes Them Older And Freakier

Evan Rachel Wood was seen making out with The Wrestler co-star Mickey Rourke at a SAG Awards after-party Sunday according to FoxNews. Evidently, Evan's little relationship with Marilyn Manson left her with a jones for a real man. So she picked Mickey. Who I guess qualifies as a real man if you leave out his face, which is decidedly not real. I give Evan points for originality at least: Most little starlets go for the same dudes, Josh Hartnett and Ryan Phillippe and that whole gang, but Evan, she likes sniffing around the freak-jobs. When she's done with Mickey she'll probably go find herself a one-armed carnie or maybe go lesbo for Jocelyn Wildenstein.

Getting On With His Life

Marilyn Manson has moved on from his break-up with Evan Rachel Wood and found a new girlfriend. Nice to see Marilyn not getting hung-up on his exes. Be a shame if he allowed some past relationship to haunt him forever. I know people who've gone their whole lives attempting to recreate something they had long ago and never succeeding and they all just wind up miserable and annoying. But Marilyn's not that type. He's all about moving forward. Growing. Exploring new and exciting orifices.

No More Von Wannabe?

Evan Rachel Wood is apparently officially over Marilyn Manson. I know because she's dropped the Dita Von Wannabe act. Now she's a fake redhead instead. Next up: Vaginoplasty. That stuff needs a lot of work to get back to something resembling something a normal man would ever want to stick their peepee in. She can just let them stick it in her mouth in the meantime. That hole ain't good for nothin' else.

Make Up Your Mind, Ho

Evan Rachel Wood is clearly disturbed. A couple days ago, ho got all deranged because someone was spreading stories that she had broken up with that absurd alleged musician Marilyn Manson. "Manson and I both decided to take some time apart so we could concentrate on work," she said in a statement. So they're just taking a break from each other? Now bitch has changed her story though. "I'm always going to love him and respect him," she said - which sounds a hell of a lot more final than that other statement. As does the response she gave when asked how she was feeling:

I'm doing fine, you know, as best as can be expected.

Well, it usually takes hostages some time to get over the kidnapping. I'm sure with enough counseling Evan will be able to put her life back together, and even get over her Dita Von Teese fixation. Fingers crossed.

Denial Monkey

Dita Von Wannabe is being a denial-monkey over stories she threw Marilyn Manson out of her house for going all crazy on her slacker brother. She says she and the schlock-rocker have merely chosen to take a little vacation from each other. "Manson and I both decided to take some time apart so we could concentrate on work," Wannabe said in a statement. "Someone used that opportunity to kick us while we were down and sell a completely false story." Persecution complex much? Wannabe's statement gets more interesting:

Manson owns the house he lives in. My brother has never stayed there and the person that said such horrible things about Manson being "controlling" and "emotionally abusive" is certainly no source "close" to me. Manson has been by my side and taken care of me through the best and worst times. I love him as a person and as an artist. I will always be proud to have been a part of that.

If any more attacks are made on us, it is the act of a desperate, selfish person, who is angry to no longer be a part of my life. No further comment will be made and we request our privacy at this time.

Dear Wannabe: If you're so close to Marilyn and love him so much, how come you keep referring to him by his last name? Seems a bit impersonal to me. Also, that last paragraph makes me believe you know exactly who is responsible for putting out this story. Ex-boyfriend? Bitter family member? Your alter ego who is trying desperately to rescue you from the clutches of an emotionally backward pervert loser? Sorry hon - everyone knows you're over this guy. Except, apparently, you.

Freak Freak-Out

Evan Rachel Wood has come to her senses and kicked disgusting middle-aged arrested adolescent no-talent Marilyn Manson out of her house. Hmm...and I thought things were going swimmingly in that particular cringe-inducing relationship. No. Seems Marilyn is "controlling and abusive." Who'd a thunk? And what caused Rachel to finally see the bastard's true colors? Reportedly, things came to a head for the couple when Marilyn tried to boot Evan's slacker brother Ira out of their guest house. "Evan owned the house and didn't want her unemployed sibling living on the street," a source said. Creepy old guys will be lining up around the block to take Marilyn's place, no doubt. First up - Mickey Rourke, Evan's co-star in the movie The Wrestler.

Evan Rachel Wood is a Sad Puppet

Poor Evan Rachel Wood. She just can't get away from controlling men who want to make her over after their own jerk-off fantasies.

The top picture shows Evan in Dita Von Teese mode. Marilyn Manson, Evan's boyfriend, just can't get over losing burlesque queen Dita...and with compliant little Evan around, he doesn't have to.

The bottom picture would seem to show Evan finally liberated from the clutches of wanky men...but alas, it isn't so. Yes she may look fresh-faced and pretty (if a tad pale), but that's only because she's filming a movie for Woody Allen...and Woody is clearly trying to make her look like Scarlett Johansson.

Can't these bastards just jack-off to dirty magazines like normal pervs?

Love-Birds?

This is Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood heading to catch a train in Paris. I don't know - does it look like Evan enjoys being touched by Marilyn? Looks more like she's enduring him. You don't think Evan could just be using Marilyn for the publicity do you? You know, letting him think she's his puppet when, in a weird, twisted way, it's actually the other way around?

Marilyn And Evan - Ain't Freak-Love Grand?

This is "rocker" Marilyn Manson (carrot juice is soooo hardcore) walking around in London with his ever-creepier girlfriend Evan Rachel Wood. Dang - even when she's walking around outside, Evan's got spooky lighting. What's the deal with this chick anyway? Everyone says she's trying to look like Marilyn's ex Dita Von Teese. I definitely think he's been coaching and dressing her. The '50s-ish heart sunglasses, the barrette, the pale face and red lipstick - she's like an android Lolita at this point. And Marilyn - I know you've got an "alternative" rep to keep up, but don't you think you're trying a bit too hard? Do you really need the vest with the garage sale t-shirt and Goodwill bin leather jacket?



Some people look at these two and see "cool couple." I look at them and see an old queen who's going bald, has more lipstick on than his girlfriend, and doesn't realize that people stopped giving a shit about him ten years ago. And i see a misguided young woman who thinks this "interesting" older man is showing her the world, when all he's really showing her is what it's like hanging out with a controlling, pretentious ass who's entire image is nothing but a compensatory facade he cooked up because he was too emotionally brittle to deal with being picked on as a kid. Take your self seriously much, Brian?

The Woman Who Really Broke Up Marilyn And Dita

We had a little fun yesterday with the idea that Lindsay Lohan was responsible for driving a wedge between stripper Dita Von Teese and her schlock-rocker snookums Marilyn Manson. Turns out, however, that Lindsay was only a peripheral figure in the whole melodrama. For once, the antics of Lohan must take a backseat, while a different, less-well-publicized starlet gets her moment in the spotlight.

You may have seen Evan Rachel Wood - she's been in a couple of movies, and was even touted for an Oscar nomination a few years ago for one called Thirteen where she played a barely-teenaged tongue-pierced delinquent sex-fiend (a total fabrication that film; everyone knows 13-year-old girls are all sweet and wholesome). Well, now Evan Rachel Wood, semi-recognizable young blonde creamy-skinned actress, has made her move into the middle ring of the three-ring circus - by going out with Marilyn Manson.

Apparently Marilyn, who looks to me like elephants trampled his face at some point in his life, is considered very attractive by some women. Near-sighted ones perhaps. Or 19-year-old ones (yes, Evan is 19) who are still going through that awkward phase where they think Satanism is incredibly sexy, and a boyfriend who wants to drink your blood is the coolest thing since Barbie's Dream House. According to reports, Wood and Manson have been friends ever since Manson asked her to appear in a film he's producing called Phantasmagoria: The Visions Of Lewis Carroll (a movie about a pedophile; that's where the red-flags would've gone up for anyone who was paying attention). Wood has also reportedly posed for a watercolor painting by Manson (he took up the hobby while in the nuthouse I guess), and was present at the opening of his Halloween art gallery (snicker), The Celebritarian Corporation Gallery of Fine Art (what do they show at a Halloween art gallery - trees with toilet paper all over them?).

And what of the jilted woman in this equation, poor old Dita Von Teese? She's reported to be "heartbroken" by the revelation of Manson's new relationship. Well of course she is. She loved Manson (for some sick twisted reason), and he went and traded her in for a younger, less-worn-out model. Dita apparently thought that a Satanic love-pact was forever, but now she's found out that even devil-worshipping donkey-faced nincompoops can get itchy for some tighter snatch (who'd a thunk?). Of course, Dita can always try and do something to win Marilyn back. Like carve his initials into her forehead with a box-cutter. That's always an impressive gesture of devotion. Or maybe she could go in and have her stuff refurbished. You know, so Marilyn's tiny little peepee won't feel like it's exploring Carlsbad Caverns.