Sand, Jake Gyllenhaal's Hair, Sand

A trailer is up for Jake Gyllenhaal's Prince of Persia: Pretty Eyes and Long Hair Make Us Happy in the Place We're Not Supposed to Touch. It's Disney, so, it will only be sneaky-dirty, not flat-out like we want.

Jake Gyllenhaal Kicks Pap

Did Jake Gyllenhaal need to kick this annoying pap or could he have gone about his business without resorting to physical assault? You just let them win when you do that stuff Jake.

It's Not Her

Sure, that was the real Katie Holmes at the SAG Awards last night. And I'm Jake Gyllenhaal's bike seat.

Screamin' Midget

Reese Witherspoon got busted by paps while she was leaving a medical center and was not happy about it. So what was Reese in there for anyways? Did Jake give her something that required an examination? Or is it some lingering issue left from Ryan Phillippe? I'd guess the latter. Phillippe is much dirtier and diseased-looking than Jake. Of course Jake has had his weewee in some more interesting places - like Lance Armstrong's butthole. Whatever Reese has, it's obviously making her cranky.

Adorable

I'm hoping they ended up in the semi-matching jackets and head-cozies by accident, cause if it was on purpose? Gag me. With a spork. By the way Jake...thanks for all the wet-dreams.

Still Hot?

Can't decide if Jake is still hot. Liked him better before he started sticking it to that midget Witherspoon. I could use more pictures of him with the long hair. I'm still waiting for that stranded-on-a-desert-island film starring him and Hugh Jackman. I bought a tent so I could camp out in front of the theater like some Star Wars dork.

Failed Economic Plan

Stephen Gyllenhaal and Naomi Foner are on their way to a divorce, and now we've learned that they are also broke as a joke. Naomi blamed the whole thing on Stephen in the divorce filing, saying, "I have repeatedly asked Stephen to pay his one-half share of our bills, and he has refused to do so." An email to Naomi from Stephen, which is also included in the filing, laid out his plan for dealing with the crisis:

I have been clear that if worse comes to worse, I will let all of this collapse into ruin, just as I believe letting the markets crash and burn [is] the right approach. Pain now for clarity and balance later.

In other words you have no money and you're too lazy to get a job and Maggie and Jake aren't returning your calls. God, what losers these people are. How did they manage to ever spawn a couple of high achievers like Jakey-poo and Pug-Nose? Ambition skips a generation, I guess.

Keeping Up The Charade

Reese and Jake keep pushing their fake relationship. I'm not sure why. It didn't help Rendition. Maybe they just enjoy pretend romance. It's easier than real romance. All those damned bodily fluids...

Long-Haired Jake

Jake Gyllenhaal has long hair for his part in the silly video game movie Prince of Persia. I wonder what Reese thinks of it. I wonder what Lance thinks of it. Crabbie like.

Uh-Oh

Jake Gyllenhaal will reportedly star opposite Aussie siren Abbie Cornish in a new science fiction movie set to drop in 2010. This would be just another casting byte if only Jake were not involved with Reese Witherspoon, who already had ex-husband Ryan Phillippe stolen from her by Cornish. The fates aren't honestly giving Cornish a second stab at ruining Reese's life are they? This is too wonderful. I hope Abbie totally seduces Jake, and Reese takes out a hit on her. I want to see a headline: Abbie Cornish reported missing. Reese Witherspoon questioned by the police. She denies everything. A decomposed body turns up. Reese flees. I already have a hard-on.

Christmas Wedding

Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal have made plans to wed in late December. "[Jake] told me he had proposed several times but [Reese] kept telling him she wanted to give their relationship more time," a source said. "When he asked her again a couple of weeks ago, she finally said yes." So he basically badgered her into it. Interesting that Jake would be the one pressing for marriage while Reese seems reticent. He hasn't done it before but Reese has...so she knows what the deal is. I'd grab him now if I were her. She's still got a few years left before he'll want to trade her in for something younger...wouldn't want to waste them.

More French Fun

Jake, Reese and little Ava are also in France. Here we see them enjoying a little Bastille Day amusement. Am I the only one who thinks Ava is a dead-ringer for Abbie Cornish?

Some Links

Cristian de la Fuente kisses a cow. I don't know who he is either. The cow's not Mariah Carey. Gabby Babble

Jane Seymour tells Angelina to gain weight. Angelina tells Jane to shut up and eat her applesauce. Bricks and Stones

Jake Gyllenhaal...gay, under-dressed and clearly inebriated. Gravy and Biscuits

Eddie Murphy misses the premiere of Meet Dave. Even he can't stand his movies. Hollywire

Tom Jones deflowed Elvira. Who didn't he deflower? Dirty Disher

Pete Doherty rides a horse, doesn't fall off. Agent Bedhead

Sally Struthers is fat, doesn't have a computer, is fat. I'm Bringing Blogging Back

Another Way Stars Are Different from Us...

They get to go to high-end restaurants like London's Scotts in Mayfair dressed like they just fell off a bus in Wichita.

Honestly Gyllenhaal...it would've killed you to throw on a suit and tie? Oh, I get it...you don't care dick about appearances. You're above all that superficial shit. Yeah, well...I quote Oscar Wilde:

It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances.

In other words, people of thought realize that appearances matter, that you can tell valid things about people by how they look (and only blind fools hide behind the "surfaces don't matter" argument). And what am I to think of you Jakey? That you're trying really hard to convey some kind of eccentric-rebel vibe. Much too hard if you ask me.

Put on a suit. Shine your shoes up. Use deodorant. Don't turn into Keanu Reeves on us.

Jake Gyllenhaal as You've Never Seen Him

Who hasn't gotten wasted, crashed a Renaissance Festival, stolen a horse and a sword and ridden around screaming "I am Spartacus!" at the top of their lungs?

Only me? Oh dear...

Billy Crystal Outs Jake Gyllenhaal

The DVD commentary for the new edition of City Slickers (why the world needed one of those is beyond me) features a juicy revelation by star Billy Crystal about the actor who played his 10-year-old son.

“He was always performing,” said Crystal of the lad. “He would sing from South Pacific and we’d all go, ‘He’s gay, he’s going to be gay.’”

And which young future star was cast in the role of Crystal's spawn in that particular film? None other than Jake Gyllenhaal.

And now you know...the rest of the story.

(Unless Crystal made the whole thing up as a way of trying to move more copies of the special edition of City Slickers. This could prove a bit of marketing genius. If it catches on...look out for lots more revelations down the road:

Future DVD Special Edition of War of the Worlds. Tom Cruise on Dakota Fanning. "I'll never forget the day I caught Dakota pleasuring herself with a bratwurst. I said to her, 'That looks like fun. Can I try?' It was a great bonding moment for us...")

Man Has Officially Put Asunder Those Who God Joined Together

The Ryan Phillippe/Reese Witherspoon divorce is final. No one knows the details but both were actively pursuing custody of the kids. Each has been fucking someone else since they broke up...in Ryan's case, probably multiple some elses. He's a dog. Reese is a total prude who probably didn't let Jake Gyllenhaal hold her hand until their 10th date. She's given it up since then though...otherwise Jake would've gone back to Lance Armstrong.

Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal About to Get Engaged?

Reese Witherspoon apparently didn't learn her lesson after the break-up of her marriage to Ryan Phillippe...because now the Hollywood midget is reportedly set to become engaged to Jake Gyllenhaal.

"They’ve been talking marriage for a while," a source told OK! Magazine. "They’ll be formally engaged any day now. They want to spend the rest of their lives together."

Sure. Just like Reese and Ryan wanted to spend the rest of their lives together.

The marriage thing...it will never make sense to me. You want to fuck, you fuck. Why the hell does it require some big formal committment?

I've never met anyone I wanted to spend even two consecutive days with, much less the rest of my life. Fuck, the thought of having to wake up and see the same face day after day after day...the amazing thing isn't that so many marriages end in divorce, it's that so few end up in murder/suicides.

Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon are Annoying

Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon went to a performance of August Osage County on Broadway this weekend. According to other theatergoers, the two spent the whole time texting on their Blackberries, then left at the first intermission. They also say most of the people in the crowd were looking at them instead of the show. Crabbie has used his exclusive inside Reese/Jake sources to get a copy of what they were texting back and forth to each other:

Reese: R U having fun?

Jake: No. Shoes R 2 tight. U?

Reese: No cushion makes my ass hurt.

Jake: How to norms stand these seats?

Reese: Don't know. Poor fuckers.

Jake: They're looking at us.

Reese: I know. Creepy.

Jake: Do U think they know?

Reese: No one knows.

Jake: I think they know. They're staring.

Reese: U'r paranoid.

Jake: No. I can tell. They're giving me that he's a homo look.

Reese: U always think that. Relax.

Jake: Don't touch my hand.

Reese: Sorry. I forgot.

Jake: We agreed, no touching.

Reese: I know, I'm sorry.

Jake: Let's just get the fuck out of here.

Reese: Yes. Let's.

Dunst Upset At Jake-Reese Affair

Kirsten Dunst is reportedly distraught over news that Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon may be pondering marriage.

“Hearing that [Jake and Reese] are close to getting engaged is like a knife to her heart,” a friend of Dunst's told Star Magazine.

“Seeing photos of him out with her kids is just too much to handle. She always thought she and Jake would reunite, but now those dreams have faded.”

Faded like her career? Like her attention to her personal hygiene? Like the world's interest in her snaggletoothed assed?

Here's the deal Kiki - you may have been hot enough at one time to nab Jake Gyllenhaal, but a lot has happened since then. For one thing...have you looked at yourself lately? And for another thing...well, Marie Antoinette wasn't exactly a smash, was it? Then you have Reese: Okay, maybe she's no beauty-queen, but she definitely has her shit together way more than you. She has an Oscar, and commands over $10 million a picture. Plus she has a settled personal life that includes kids and behaving like a responsible adult. And you? Your life is dating filthy rock-stars, and getting fall-down drunk on a nightly basis and basically making an ass of yourself. Jake may have been attracted to that sort of nonsense when he was younger, but he's grown up now. He's left you way, way behind. And it's time for you to realize that, and get over your delusional hopes that you and he will one day be reunited.

There is someone out there for you though Kiki - and his name is Pete Doherty. Look him up. You guys would be a fabulous couple...of pathetic wash-outs.

(source)