The Jonas Brothers were on with Regis and Kelly. So what do you think...is Kelly a Nick girl or Joe girl? Or would she prefer the other one, just to be different? And what about Regis? He's all about Joe I think. "Purity rings?" thinks Regis. "I've got a ring for you. It's loose and wrinkly and some call it a sphincter."
This reminds me of the night I caught Santa in bed with my mom. I heard a funny noise and went down the hall and pushed the door open and...God, the sounds. Santa's red cheeks and his giant penis suddenly lunging at me like a fencer's foil. I've had a thing for pirate movies ever since then. My mom acted really funny at breakfast the next morning. There were no cigarette butts floating in my Cheerios for once and my brother had on matching socks. We went down that afternoon to see Santa at the department store, and my mom seemed nervous the whole way. She ran four red lights. She kept humming "Silent Night" under her breath. We got to the department store but Santa wasn't there. He'd had a heart attack and been hauled away in an ambulance. His female elf was sitting in for him, but I refused to get up in her lap. My mom started talking to the elf, then suddenly slapped her. I think her name was Eileen.
