Look At The Whore In Her Whore Clothes

"Tell whatever nasty skank churned out all them Jonas Brothers that I need some freshuns. I done already gone through the other eight. Yeah these boots are for stompin' on Demi Lovato's face. Ain't they cute? And shut the fuck up about my teeth or else I'll have my daddy sue you. Think he won't do it? I can make him do anything just by letting him sniff my pussy."

More Jonases

That little weird kid in the blue hat is another Jonas Brother, Frankie. He's 8, which means he's still a couple years from ripeness. When he hits 12, Disney can start exploiting him. His older brothers will all be crack-addict burn-outs by then, so it will all be up to him. The Queen Jonas has only just laid her eggs in the nursery chamber, so more help won't be coming for a few years yet.

Cougar Buffet

The Jonas Brothers were on with Regis and Kelly. So what do you think...is Kelly a Nick girl or Joe girl? Or would she prefer the other one, just to be different? And what about Regis? He's all about Joe I think. "Purity rings?" thinks Regis. "I've got a ring for you. It's loose and wrinkly and some call it a sphincter."

Question: Is interviewing the Jonas Brothers anything like talking to drapes?

Jonas Brothers Go To Washington

"Yo dude, they're so, like, inaugurating the president or something today."

"Yeah dude. I'm totally tripping on your shirt right now dude. Good thing I saved that mushroom for later."

"Cool dude. Hey, I'm the one on the right. How come I look thirty?"

"I don't know dude. How come you're telling us you're the one on the right?"

"I don't know dude. Where's Miley? I need my dick sucked."

"Fuck that dude. Her daddy taught her to bite. Where's Selena? She knows how to work the taint."

"Yo dude. She's just a little girl. That's sick."

"I know dude. I'm a twisted motherfucker."

Teeny Nirvana

Efron's probably wondering why he had to be seated with the pansies. He thinks he's a serious actor now. The Jonas Brothers? He'd fuck them but he wouldn't be caught dead in a movie with them. Unless it was gay porn.

Which Of These Things Is Not Like The Others?

Okay you've got Taylor Swift there, Demi Lovato, the Jonas Brothers, Ryan Seacrest hosting and...Lionel Richie? How the fuck did he get past security? Seacrest turned around and he was like, "Woah, Lionel. I thought you died five years ago in a horrible natural gas explosion at a homeless shelter." I'm glad to see Taylor Swift has gotten past her heartbreak over the one Jonas twit dumping her. Funny how fast we can put those things aside when someone offers us money to be on television.

Get Over Yourselves Kids

Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson have been on the stage for, what, five minutes? And I'm already ready for them to get off. Yes, we know, you're the hip kids. That's why you dress like you're going to a goth wedding. Kristen is basically the new Chloe Sevigny at this point, and Robert? It's like the Jonases had a half-brother who ran away from home at 15, got into some really bad stuff and came back begging for smack money.

Brave Lads

How brave of the Jonas Brothers - writing a book all about their struggles with venereal disease. This will help so many people. Way to go young lads. You are an example to us all (and especially those who want to have sex with Taylor Swift).

New Rule*

The Jonases need to either start lining up alphabetically or wear nametags. Honestly - I can't even keep my socks sorted; how the fuck am I gonna remember which of these freaks is which? The one on the left pulled the dick-and-dash on Taylor Swift, right? And the one in the middle - I'm pretty sure I saw him lurking around my middle school. He was either trying to buy pot or find a new boyfriend.

(*=copyright Bill Maher)

Get Over It Albino Bitch

Taylor Swift (pictured above at last night's Cuntry Music Awards) won't shut up about what a pile of crap ex-boyfriend Joe Jonas is. Yesterday it came out that Joe was dating obscure film actress Camilla Belle, and now Taylor says Joe and Camilla were the reason she and Joe broke up. Actually honey, it's like this: Joe realized what an insufferable little twat you are and found another bitch to ride - therefore you are the reason you and Joe broke up. Also, he got sick of having to give directions while you were trying to suck him off. Men expect you to just know that sort of stuff. I thought all country girls were well-versed in the care and handling of dick but apparently I was wrong.

It's On...I Guess

What message was Justin Gaston sending to Nick Jonas by dressing up like him for Halloween? "Keep your hands off my snaggletoothed bitch you little fairy." Gaston may have potential. Dig the Guitar Hero bit. Is he trying to say Nick Jonas can't really play guitar and it's all fake? Is he saying Nick's a fag (credit: South Park). Is he saying he wants to hump Nick like a table leg? He looks like Dean Stockwell a little. Is he gonna start singing Roy Orbison in an incredibly creepy, gay way to make Dennis Hopper happy?

So Much for Chastity Oaths

Does anyone think this is as far as it went between Kevin Jonas and his girlfriend? Yeah right. That rock isn't only stained with bird shit right now, let me tell you that.

Rich Brats

Remember the car you learned to drive in? For me it was a rusty old station wagon with wood paneling down the sides. If you're a Jonas Brother? You learn to drive in a shiny Mustang. At least we don't have to worry about him soiling the backseat with his love-ick while trying to stick it in some Disney ho. Jonas Brothers are too pure for that kind of shit.

Slut Cooties

Selena Gomez touched Vanessa Hudgens and now she has slut cooties. Pervs now have Selena's MySpace page on auto-refresh, waiting for the naughty pictures to show up. Zac Efron is thinking about a three-way - with two of the Jonas Brothers. Vanessa's so trampy...not as trampy as Bristol Palin, but still...

Run!

The Jonas Brothers said they wanted to meet Britney at the VMAs and it looks like they got their wish. Britney looks even faker here than they do. I wonder if she even knows who they are. Something tells me Britney's not exactly in the loop. It's fine if Britney wants to rub up against the Jonases but, please, keep Michael Jackson away from them, okay?

Loser Wipes Out

Warning!!! Turn the volume down on your speakers before hitting play on this video or your eardrums may begin spitting blood!!!



Demi Lovato wipes out while running around on-stage at a show in Chicago. Demi is Selena Gomez's friend and they rip Miley Cyrus. Or is she Miley's best friend and they rip Selena? I can't keep the Disney whores straight anymore. There are about a hundred of them and they all suck the Jonas Brothers' dicks.

Aren't You Rich?

Miley Cyrus wants a Wii Fit, a puppy and a car for her 16th birthday. And for her 17th birthday she'll want to adopt a Vietnamese kid. For her 18th birthday she'll want someone to post bail. Why doesn't she just spend some of her billion dollars on a Wii fit, a puppy and a car for herself and can the birthday shit?

The Jonas Brothers will all be getting gifts from Miley too - in the form of email attachments.

I Dare You...

...to pick out the real Jonas Brothers from their wax counterparts.

Some Jonas

I really hope the soda-jerk look catches on in a big way. Why you holding the guitar Jonas dude? We know you can't play it...

Doof Summit

Just Jared is all a-twitter because he got to meet the Jonas Brothers. He says the Jonases love his site because it's so positive. You kiss people's asses enough and they'll dig you. Fuck, maybe I should turn this idiotic turd of a blog into a 24-hour dick-suck like Just Jared. God no...I'd kill myself. Worse...I'd hop on a Greyhound with a hunting knife. I feel like shit now. I think I'll watch some more coverage of the Russians blowing the bejesus out of Georgia for no rational reason. I'd really love to live in the pretty little world Just Jared and the Jonases call home but I can't. I have a black pit where my heart should be.