Do They Still Do Celebrity Big Brother?

Levi Johnston has signed on as a pitchman for Wonderful Pistachios, joining such A-listers as reality stars Christopher Knight and Adrianne Curry, Jackass midget Wee-Man and the dude who played Big Pussy on The Sopranos.

Congrats Levi...you are officially a celebudreg. Yes, I just made up that word. Cool isn't it?

When Will He Shut Up?

Levi Johnston took a talking pill awhile back and it still hasn't worn off. Of course all his talking is about Sarah Palin, the mother-in-law he never got to have. The pothead talked to Vanity Fair about Sarah's questionable mothering:

Even before she was nominated [for VP] there wasn’t much parenting in that house. Sarah doesn’t cook, Todd doesn’t cook—the kids would do it all themselves: cook, clean, do the laundry, and get ready for school. Most of the time Bristol would help her youngest sister with her homework, and I’d barbecue chicken or steak on the grill.

And toke up. Not around the babies though. That would've been, like, so wrong.

Levi on Sarah's plan to cover up Bristol's pregnancy:

She told me that once Bristol had the baby she and Todd would adopt him. That way, she said, Bristol and I didn’t have to worry about anything. Sarah kept mentioning this plan. She was nagging—she wouldn’t give up. She would say, ‘So, are you gonna let me adopt him?’ We both kept telling her we were definitely not going to let her adopt the baby. I think Sarah wanted to make Bristol look good, and she didn’t want people to know that her 17-year-old daughter was going to have a kid.

Hey, I hate that homophobic animal abuser Sarah Palin as much as the next person, and love seeing her made to look bad...but Levi is going way too far with this shit. He just seems bitter. The way I see it, he should be grateful he got out of that mess. None of this is helping him with his future job as a forklift operator.

Publicity Stunt?

Kathy Griffin brought Levi Johnston as her date to the Teen Choice Awards. Most people will assume right away that this was just a publicity stunt on behalf of her stupid reality show, but I wouldn't be so hasty. I'm thinking there's a good chance Kathy really wanted to get in Levi's trousers and figured this would be a great come-on.

He's young. He's naive. He's already fucked his way through all the eligible pieces of tail in Alaska (who are not frequent callers to the meth hotline). He's ripe for the pickings. I just hope he doesn't chip a tooth on Griffin's neck. I've seen guy-wires that were less taut.

Another Dumb-Ass Name

Bristol Palin popped her kid Saturday and named it Tripp Easton Mitchell. The baby has Levi Johnston's last name even though I'm guessing paternity is still up in the air. Those Palin bitches will spread their legs for anyone with a dick, a hockey stick and a handful of Oxycontin. And who the fuck names their kid Tripp? Trig and Tripp? Fuck you.

Does This Mean The Wedding's Off?

The momma of Bristol Palin's pot-smoking, hockey-playing baby daddy Levi has been busted on a drug offense. Sherry Johnston, 42 of Asscrack, Alaska, was arrested Thursday after coppers with a warrant went through her house as part of an undercover drug investigation. Specifics have yet to be revealed but it's possible bitch was operating a meth lab. I'm sure the Palins will have no problem welcoming Levi into their family in spite of this. They're tolerant sorts, dontcha know. Plus they don't want their meth supply being cut off. Sarah gots to have her candy.

Doing His Duty

John McCain had to greet Bristol Palin and her hockey-playing, ass-kicking redneck fiancee Levi Johnston at the airport in Minneapolis. I'm sure he was very sweet to them. 5 1/2 years in a gook prison camp teaches you how to swallow up all your rage.

Message Move

The Palin family has invited Bristol's little beer-swilling hockey-player baby daddy Levi to attend the Republican National Convention in St. Paul and he has accepted. I get the message they're trying to send: We approve of Levi and are happy to welcome him into our family and we're not angry about him knocking up little Bristol whom we love and support. Of course they're lying. They hate Levi and wish their darling daughter had never laid eyes on him. And you know the last thing in the world Levi wants to do is fly to Minnesota and hang out with the family of the chick he knocked up and all those other old Republican fuddy-duddies. He'd rather be back in Alaska chillin' with his homies, finding some other hot young piece of tail to get with while Bristol is thousands of miles away. He wishes his dick had never gotten anywhere near that bitch's hole. But this is your world now Levi - you impregnated the daughter of a Christian family that has to show it has Christian values by ruining her life and yours. Sucks for you that the Palins aren't baby-murdering lefties or Bristol would already have been scraped and you'd be free to fuck your way through the next 20 years with impunity. Man, what a schmuck you are. I'd feel sorry for you if your face didn't make me loathe you.