Courtney Love, Crazy Ho Trail Blazer

Elle Magazine talked to Courtney Love for some reason. Courtney told Elle that she deserves kudos because she was the first big star to have a public meltdown and Britney and all the others are just riding her roach-infested, dead-husband's-ashes-sprinkled coattails. "I had a long, hard fall," Courtney explained. "I set the stage for Britney to crash and burn. I went through it all first." Honestly - only Courtney Love would be twisted and sick enough to try and take credit for inventing the nervous breakdown.

And by the way, maybe I wasn't paying attention at the time, but I really don't remember Courtney's alleged meltdown getting the kind of coverage Britney's did. I don't recall CNN breaking into regular programming to show Courtney getting hauled away in an ambulance. I don't remember the tabloids being filled with pictures of Courtney bald-headed going ballistic on a photographer with an umbrella. I just remember Kurt Cobain suddenly dying and them saying it was suicide and everyone else thinking Courtney did it or at least pushed him to it. How about it Courtney? Why not fess up? You want coverage don't you? That would be the biggest story of the decade.

Another Sad Closet-Case

Gossip Girl star Ed Westwick was seen getting cozy with co-star Jessica Szohr before boarding a plane at Dallas airport Sunday night and then again on the actual flight. "They were trying to be discreet by stealing kisses near the gate," Page 6 reports. They then grossed out fellow passengers by kissing in the aisles, but finally settled into their seats and apparently kept their hands off each other for the duration. Okay Ed, that's great - you have a girlfriend. One with a vagina and everything. And you kiss her in public so everyone will know you're not a homo. We're happy for you.

Made for Each Other

Naomi Campbell's Russian boyfriend Vladimir Doronin is just as big a rageaholic as she is. Witnesses say Doronin punched a photographer in the gut at the Setai in Miami last Thursday...which is actually lucky for the photographer, cause normally when you mess with some big Russian criminal, you wind up with your legs broken or your balls ripped off or your asshole reamed out by some huge Siberian faggot henchman with a dick the thickness of a telephone pole. He got off easy only being punched in the gut. Must be some fun times between Naomi and that dude.

Still Apparently Together

Lindsay Lohan wants us all to know that she hasn't split up with Samantha Ronson no matter what it says on the internet which as we know is written by a lot of dubious, very smelly people who make up lies about other folks and never bathe and have petrified cat crap all over their apartments. "...just to clear this up," Lohan wrote on her MySpace blog. "because i have been getting a lot of emails asking me this one question […] samantha ronson and lindsay lohan (me) are NOT breaking up." Well, the Crabster (I) am glad to hear that Lindsay. Now the Crabster (I) can enjoy the rest of the Crabster's (my) holiday season without having to worry about Lindsay Lohan (you) and Lindsay Lohan's (your) romantic situation. P.S. - We know you don't really write your MySpace blog, but we'll go along with the farce anyways.

Adrien Brody - Woah Dude

Oh man - Adrien Brody is totally channeling my creepy downstairs neighbor in this picture. That guy who stands around all day smoking cigarettes (I think they're Old Golds - fucker doesn't have a job) and rambling about Stendhal. I don't think he's ever read Stendhal. I don't think he knows who Stendhal is. Neither do I, but that's doesn't really matter - I'm not the one rambling about him (or her). That look on Beyonce's face is the exact same one I always get when that goof tries to rope me into a conversation - about Stendhal. "No habla. No habla." He knows good and well I'm not Mexican. I don't look remotely Mexican. I drive a car manufactured after 1983. You'd think the fucker would get the hint eventually, but no. He's always there outside his door with his Old Golds and his dirty beard with the crumbs caught in it and his robe falling open. And his little dog yipping at me yip yip yip. I hate that cocksucker.

Not Doing Their Jobs

Scarlett Johansson and Eva Mendes showed up to promote their new movie Spirit and, well, I think you can clearly see what the problem is. That's right - no jugs. Don't you bitches get what the deal is? You're sex-pot movie stars - show the goods or don't waste everyone's time. Save the schoolmarm outfits for your men's kinky schoolmarm fantasies.

Sure, Keek. You Gots A Stalker.

Kirsten Dunst has convinced a judge to slap a restraining order on Christopher Smith, a dude she has come to believe is stalking her. "Mr. Smith has repeatedly shown up uninvited at my place of residence in Los Angeles, going so far as to ignore police warnings, bypass my personal security measures, trespass on my property, and attempt to gain entry into my home," reads Kiki's declaration. "Mr. Smith’s sudden, aggressive, and harassing efforts to contact me are extremely frightening. I fear not only for my own personal safety, but also for the safety and well being of my housemate and assistant." Let me guess - Kiki is the only one who can see "Mr. Smith." Sorry, but I just don't believe he exists. If there was really a guy acting aggressive and harassing toward Kiki, she would not seek a restraining order against him - she would date him. Then dump him after a week and get drunk and go to rehab.