Who Wants To Drink A LohanShake?

Some joint called Millions of Milkshakes has paid Lindsay Lohan to let them put her name on one of their shakes, a concoction of vanilla ice cream, chocolate swirl and Oreos. When you drink it though, it mysteriously tastes like vodka, ciggies and jizz-spattered bathroom tile. Weird.

This Is Her "I'm About To Fuck Jude Law" Face

Cameron Diaz was spotted over the weekend in a London nightspot partying with Jude Law. The Daily Mail says the two stars left through different exits, Law out the front with a "mystery woman." Clearly, the "mystery woman" was part of a ruse designed to make people think Jude and Cameron weren't scurrying off to a hotel somewhere to have wild chihuahua sex. I guess Cameron is done with that Sculfor dude, and Jude is done with Lindsay Lohan. For now, anyway.

The Blind Hanging With The Blind

Oh no Jon Gosselin...why are you hanging out with Michael Lohan? Fuck man, don't borrow him any money. Or let him near any woman you're fucking. Or listen to anything he says. You thought Kate was a bloodsucker, but you ain't seen nothing till you've spent five minutes within range of a Lohan.

(He's not buttering up Michael to try and get a shot at Lindsay is he? After Hailey Glassman, Lindsay would seem the next logical step up the disgusting skanky party girl ladder.)

Can't Stop Riding The Getty Train

I guess Balthazar Getty is done messing around with Lindsay Lohan, because he has been spotted going out for manicures and massages with Sienna Miller.

I suppose it's possible for a guy to go out for manicures and massages with his friend who happens to be a smoking hot female movie star without it being a sign that they are in a sexual relationship. And it's also possible that a gold-shitting unicorn ridden by a Keebler elf could come crashing through my door at any moment.

(I know I said I'd restrict all gossipy items to A-listers from now on, but I'm making an exception for Sienna and Balthazar)

Keeping Up Appearances

Jessica Biel is interrupting her successful career as the chick with the great ass who's sleeping with Justin Timberlake to tackle a role in the comedy Fucking Engaged.

Yes, that's the title, Fucking Engaged. Or, F*****g Engaged, by the time the swear-police get done with it.

Not surprisingly, the film is described as a "raunchy comedy." In it, Biel will play an engaged woman who makes a pact with her man to have sex every day until they get married.

Basically, it's a thumb in the eye of traditionalists who think young people should save themselves for after they've officially thrown their lives away by becoming hitched.

Honestly, I don't know why Biel bothers. She can't act. Her movies are awful. She is more famous for having her picture taken than she will ever be for anything she does on the big screen.

She is basically a better-behaved, less-drug-addled, not-prematurely-aging Lindsay Lohan. In other words, irrelevant.

Buy A Bra Lindsay

Lindsay Lohan thinks we don't know what she's up to when she puts on a top like that without a bra and - oops - happens to bend over and there's her titty for all the world to cringe at.

Seriously Lindsay, a deliberate boob-slip? That's so 2007.

Kanye Off The Hook

If Kanye West were female and talentless, he would be Mischa Barton or Lindsay Lohan. But because Kanye is male and a genius, his meltdown comes with awesomely bizarre short films.

It's official: The Taylor Swift thing was a cry for help.

Looking Good

Lindsay Lohan may have begun a new fashion trend...throwing a fuzzy bathrobe on over a dress and going out. Is she going bald? At least her lips look natural.

Balthazar Getty Will Fuck Anything

The STDs Balthazar Getty got from Sienna Miller weren't strong enough to satisfy his cravings, so he has moved on to human petri dish Lindsay Lohan.

People says Balthazar, whose family hasn't been able to get hold of him in months, possibly years, snuck into a club with Lohan through a backdoor and was "all over her" for the rest of the night.

If I'd had any respect for Balthazar Getty to begin with, it would all be gone now. And I don't know what to say about Lindsay. She switches sexual persuasions faster than Megan Fox switches positions on Michael Bay. I think she may be confused. Like I was in high school.

Lindsay Remains Free, For Now

Lindsay Lohan went to court today and successfully fooled the judge into allowing her to remain on probation rather than be jailed over her failure to complete the alcohol education classes she was supposed to take as punishment for one of her DUI arrests (I lose track).

Lohan's sob story - she works too hard and doesn't have time to make it to the classes - did not deter the judge from threatening the professional partier with jail if she doesn't shape up.

Prediction: Lindsay will die before she ever sees the inside of a jail. Unless we're talking a Panamanian jail or something. Then I take it back.

Someone Else Interviewed Michael Lohan

People keep interviewing Michael Lohan. This time it was Radar, and the subject of his daughter Lindsay's drug habit came up.

Wait a second. Lindsay has a drug habit? I thought she kicked that at the same time she got over pussy.

Not so, apparently. Not according to Michael who claims to have detailed knowledge of Lindsay's exact drug-related activities, right down to the identity of her drug dealer, whom Michael describes this way:

This guy follows Lindsay all over the place. All over. Lindsay pays for him to go everywhere. He has no job. No job. He does nothing. All he does is supply everyone in LA.

Sounds to me like he does have a job: drug dealer. Which is, frankly, more of a job than you have Michael. It's certainly a more honorable occupation than leech/fake preacher.

I suggest people stop asking Michael to speak. And if he demands to speak, they ignore him.

Child Stardom Is Hazardous To Your Health

Lindsay Lohan is way too young to look like Joan Crawford during her late B-movie Trog/Berserk period. Dr. Drew, where are you?

Lindsay Lohan Takes Another Step Toward Becoming An Asian Prostitute

What do washed-up actresses do when no one will hire them for legitimate work or even porn work? They go to Singapore and host events.

If you want to call F1 Rocks Singapore an "event." The fact that Lindsay Lohan was actually hired to emcee it does sort of downgrade it.

I wonder if Lindsay will stay on in Singapore now that she's gotten a taste of the local drugs.

This Could Finish Her

The CW has canceled Mischa Barton's show The Beautiful Life after two episodes. Evidently, no one wanted to watch a show about New York models executive produced by Ashton Kutcher. It might've done better without Mischa who is a worse jinx than Lindsay Lohan.

I'm sure Mischa will land on her feet after this. She's the resilient sort. Not at all the type to go into a huge tailspin and wind up selling embryos for crack.

New Look Lindsay

No, you're not dreaming...that's Lindsay Lohan sporting a new, more youthful look. Who says Botox is only for old farts?

Getting Sad Now

Lindsay Lohan is a huge True Blood fan. She wants to be on the show so bad that she is willing to completely humiliate herself - by posting pics of herself, with vampire fangs, on Twitter.

What am I saying? Lohan is beyond humiliating herself. That bridge was crossed. That dam was busted. That...uh...oil derrick...was...destroyed in a fire John Wayne couldn't stop.

True Blood's producers were, I'm sure, deeply impressed by Lindsay's display.

This Better Not Give Her Any Ideas

Any picture of Lindsay Lohan handling a baby makes me queasy. Not cause I'm afraid she'll drop it but because I'm afraid she'll decide she has to have one too. You know how these celeb twats are. They see something, they have to have it.

Given Lindsay's kleptomaniac history, there's a good chance if she did want a baby, she'd just snatch one. Then misplace it somewhere.

So That's Why Antonio Banderas Has Been Smiling So Much

The remains of Melanie Griffith have checked themselves into rehab. Do people go into rehab for Botox abuse?

A rep says Griffith entered Cirque Lodge in Utah - same place Lindsay Lohan went; did wonders for her as you know - as part of a health plan conceived years ago by her and her doctors. Ooh, that's way better than the usual "she just needed some time off" excuse. Points for creativity, Melanie.

Shoe's On The Other Foot

Someone broke into Lindsay Lohan's house, got into her safe and stole a bunch of stuff. Her daddy Michael thinks it's an inside job because the alarm was left off.

"I am not going to put up with individuals violating my family," Michael ranted. "Lindsay is a charitable, generous person that always gives. This is a personal violation and it has got to stop."

Lindsay Lohan, noted philanthropist?

Whatever. Michael's full of shit as always. And the people who robbed Lindsay? Probably people she stole from, just coming to get their shit back. Or maybe Lindsay got really wasted, didn't realize it was her house and robbed herself. Wouldn't shock me.

They Should've Arrested Her

Lindsay Lohan went to a deli in New York (don't know why since we know she doesn't eat). She had one of her little absent-minded moments and left without her cell phone. She returned to retrieve the phone but the guy wouldn't give it to her unless she proved it was hers.

Lindsay, true to her nature, flipped out. And called the police.

Cops say the situation had already been resolved by the time they got there. The deli worker claims he didn't know who Lindsay was.

Of course the deli guy is lying. Everyone knows who Lindsay is. Lindsay is America's coked-up sweetheart.

The next time I lose something in a public place, I am going to call the police to come help me. We'll see how that works out.