Thought He Was Dead

I honestly thought Jared Leto had died or at the very least moved to Canada. I always think that when some celeb goes months without registering on the radar screen. It's like, "What the hell ever happened to Jared Leto? Did Elijah Wood get revenge on him? Did he finally disappear up Kirsten Dunst's sexy-hole? Did he shave his head and become a fake Buddhist?" Nope, he's still around, looking more like Mark from Roseanne with each passing day.

Still Spinning Around

Kirsten Dunst rode on the spinning teacups with a mystery man at Disneyland. She didn't get sick - she's used to everything spinning. And who is the mystery man? I don't know, but I bet there will be a new one tomorrow.

Sure, Keek. You Gots A Stalker.

Kirsten Dunst has convinced a judge to slap a restraining order on Christopher Smith, a dude she has come to believe is stalking her. "Mr. Smith has repeatedly shown up uninvited at my place of residence in Los Angeles, going so far as to ignore police warnings, bypass my personal security measures, trespass on my property, and attempt to gain entry into my home," reads Kiki's declaration. "Mr. Smith’s sudden, aggressive, and harassing efforts to contact me are extremely frightening. I fear not only for my own personal safety, but also for the safety and well being of my housemate and assistant." Let me guess - Kiki is the only one who can see "Mr. Smith." Sorry, but I just don't believe he exists. If there was really a guy acting aggressive and harassing toward Kiki, she would not seek a restraining order against him - she would date him. Then dump him after a week and get drunk and go to rehab.

Starlet Relapse Part II, The Not-So-Mild Version

Remember not so long ago when Kirsten Dunst was all talking about how much rehab helped her and how she was a different person now and it was all good? Uh, yeah. The part of her brain that came up with that one forgot to tell the rest of her brain and, well, thank goodness we're here to set her straight.

That Makes One

Kirsten Dunst on the contented new place she's reached in her life since going to rehab:

Listen, I'm happy single or not single. Now I love me, so I'm okay.

People like Kirsten are the reason self-help books sell so well. She's probably big on Purpose Driven Life and all that crap. She also reportedly has a framed copy of L. Ron Hubbard's Scientology Code of Honor that Tom Cruise gave her when they were shooting Interview With the Vampire and she was about 12. Miracle she didn't end up his child-bride. Actually, Tom probably dodged a bullet on that one.

Dazed and Confused

Kirsten Dunst is so out of it, she doesn't even know she's been dating Justin Long for weeks. "I don't know him from Adam," she told Harper's Bazaar when asked about the relationship. "I met him once and he and his friend were kind enough to walk me home. I've never seen him since." Who does she think that guy is in the pictures then? Crap, she needs another stint in rehab. I don't think the first one took.

Desperate Dunst

Kirsten Dunst may have kicked substances, but she's yet to get over her habit of throwing herself at anything with a dick. Page 6 says the Spider Man starlet made a play for Into the Wild hottie Emile Hirsch after waiting around outside the Bowery Hotel in New York for him. That apparently didn't work out, because two days later, according to OK! Magazine, Kirsten was all over Drew Barrymore's ex Justin Long instead.

Poor Kiki...she doesn't realize that sex will never fill the empty place in her soul. Nor will booze or drugs or whatever else she indulges in. She needs religion. Kabbalah maybe or Scientology. Something to nourish her spirit and bring her out of despair (for a fee).

Amusing Dunst Picture

Got a chuckle out of this picture of Kirsten Dunst. It looks like Obama is checking out her arm and laughing. Track marks are funny*.

(*= Of course Kirsten Dunst isn't on heroin. She's a pill-popper and a booze-monkey, but never in a million years would she touch smack.)

Kirsten Dunst Also Depresses Herself

Kirsten Dunst told E! Online that her recent rehab trip had nothing to do with drugs or alcohol and everything to do with her being a miserable, depressed shell of a human being.

"It was a good six months before I decided to go away," Dunst explained. "I was struggling, and I had the opportunity to go somewhere and take care of myself. I was fortunate to have the resources to do it. My friends and family thought it was a good idea, too. But I didn't know where to go. My doctor recommended Cirque Lodge."

Cause nothing cures depression like being in Utah.

Kiki decided to go public with her issues in order to dispel speculation about her being a drunk and a drug-addict.

"There’s been a lot of misrepresentation about what is going on in my life, and it’s been very painful for my friends and family," she said. "Everyone feels like they have to defend me. They hear the rumors, and it puts them in a defensive position. Now that I’m feeling stronger, I was prepared to say something."

You should've saved it...no one cares.

Actually Kiki, I take that back...I'm glad you came clean about your depression. It makes me feel good to know you feel bad. I don't know why. I just hate you for no good reason and want you to be unhappy.

Kirsten Dunst Looks Almost Clean

Wow...rehab really helped Kirsten Dunst. Or maybe it's that she's been fucking Ryan Gosling. Whatever it is, she looks a lot better than before. Like she developed some self-respect along the way and decided to dump the whole neo-Bohemian dirtbag bit.

By the way...Kirsten better not let her butt balloon too much, or Gosling will dump her the way he dumped that fat-ass Rachel McAdams.

Rehab Is Not Helping Kirsten Dunst

Kirsten Dunst actually looks worse than she did before she went into rehab. Hey Kiki - rehab means you're supposed to stop drinking.

Wow, Kiki's broke too - she has to shop at Target now.

Kirsten Dunst - A Wonderful Woman Who Just Needs A Break

A friend of Kirsten Dunst has come out to explain why the actress decided to check herself into rehab.

"It's cruel the way people have put her under a microscope," the friend says. "She's trying to take a break. It's a great thing.

"She's an incredible woman – so giving of her time, her money, her soul. That's the story that should be told. Everyone has problems, but not everyone is forced to deal with them in a fishbowl."

Earth to friend of Kirsten Dunst: No one has put Kiki under a microscope. No one cares enough about her to do that.

And when did Kiki suddenly become the blonde Angelina, so giving of her time and her money and her soul? I'm wracking my brain trying to remember the last time I saw anything about her doing anything charitable. Hmm... Uh... Er...

Can't come up with anything. She must do it all in secret. Sure. Stars never want their philanthropy publicized.

Face it - Kiki is a drunk mess. And that's her doing.

(source)

Oh Yeah, Almost Forgot...Kirsten Dunst Is In Rehab

Kirsten Dunst checked herself into Cirque Lodge to deal with her substance abuse issues. I wonder what finally convinced Kirsten that she needed help. The fact that she could no longer get the puke-smell out of her clothes?

"She desperately needed help," a source told Star Magazine. "She seemed to be intoxicated when she checked in because she was acting really erratic. She was extremely emotional, constantly breaking down in tears.

"She not in a good place right now, but thankfully, she's getting the help she needs."

The same help Lindsay got in Cirque Lodge. Oh, I can't wait for the pics of Kiki whitewater rafting...while trying to smoke. "Someone tell the fucking water to stop splashing my fucking cig. Jesus man. This is so bogus!"

(source)

Is Dunst About to Become the New Britney?

Kirsten Dunst is said to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown after behaving erratically during the Sundance festival.

Reports say Dunst, who recently broke up with rocker loverboy Johnny Borrell, showed up late for a scheduled event then ducked out early, prompting friends to make apologies on her idiot behalf.

"Kirsten is not in a good place right now," said one of the friends.

Um, when was she ever in a good place?

Dunst was reportedly sent into a tailspin earlier this year after hearing rumors that her ex-boyfriend Jake Gyllenhaal planned to get engaged to Reese Witherspoon.

Oh, Kiki will be fine - she just needs to drink more. And read more Carl Sagan. And perhaps bathe.

(source)

Dunst Upset At Jake-Reese Affair

Kirsten Dunst is reportedly distraught over news that Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon may be pondering marriage.

“Hearing that [Jake and Reese] are close to getting engaged is like a knife to her heart,” a friend of Dunst's told Star Magazine.

“Seeing photos of him out with her kids is just too much to handle. She always thought she and Jake would reunite, but now those dreams have faded.”

Faded like her career? Like her attention to her personal hygiene? Like the world's interest in her snaggletoothed assed?

Here's the deal Kiki - you may have been hot enough at one time to nab Jake Gyllenhaal, but a lot has happened since then. For one thing...have you looked at yourself lately? And for another thing...well, Marie Antoinette wasn't exactly a smash, was it? Then you have Reese: Okay, maybe she's no beauty-queen, but she definitely has her shit together way more than you. She has an Oscar, and commands over $10 million a picture. Plus she has a settled personal life that includes kids and behaving like a responsible adult. And you? Your life is dating filthy rock-stars, and getting fall-down drunk on a nightly basis and basically making an ass of yourself. Jake may have been attracted to that sort of nonsense when he was younger, but he's grown up now. He's left you way, way behind. And it's time for you to realize that, and get over your delusional hopes that you and he will one day be reunited.

There is someone out there for you though Kiki - and his name is Pete Doherty. Look him up. You guys would be a fabulous couple...of pathetic wash-outs.

(source)

Dour Dunst

Why is Kirsten Dunst so sad?

a. She just can't stop thinking about all the poor people suffering in Darfur.
b. She just realized that her acting career peaked when she was 12.
c. Andy Dick just told her a joke.
d. She got hold of some really, really bad pot.
e. Like everyone, she's terribly worried about Britney's babies.

Kirsten Dunst's Neighbors Want Her To Go Away

Snaggletoothed actress Kirsten Dunst is making no friends among the people of the Islington community in London. The Daily Mail reports that Dunst, who lives there with her boyfriend Johnny Borrell, has gotten into the habit of inviting various drunken rowdies back to her flat after the pubs have closed, leading to all sorts of noisy carrying-on in the previously quiet neighborhood. Now, residents have reportedly sent a petition to their local council, asking that Dunst have her activities curtailed. Officials have thus far refused to confirm the existence of the petition.

Here's my problem with the Islington people - they should know that, when you're rich and famous like Kirsten Dunst, you get to do anything you please, including transform peaceful neighborhoods into crazy all-night party-spots. The other people who live there are just schlubs - Dunst was in Spider Man and Marie Antoinette, and she has lots of money, and there are a couple of people who think she's hot, therefore she does not have to answer for her actions. So, the Islington whiners just need to keep their mouths shut, and realize that in this world, wealth and fame mean you get to carry on as much as you want. If they don't like it they should just move.

(source)

Dunst Takes A Ciggy Break

Pop in where? Dunst's vagina?

And I don't even want to think about what that hand smells like.

Dunst Kicks Borrell Out

Dentally-challenged "actress" Kirsten Dunst has reportedly chucked her rocker boyfriend Johnny Borrell out of their London flat for being too messy. Dunst, an OCD case, was finally pushed over the edge it's said by Johnny's habit of driving his scooter through the living room. Um, Kirsten dear - you're going out with a rock musician. These people are not known for being particularly tidy or well-behaved. So you're a neatnik - then get yourself a nebbishy accountant who likes keeping his ties nicely organized. Sure, the sex ain't gonna be so hot, but at least you won't have to worry about him leaving skid-marks on the carpet.

(source)

The Beauty That Is Dunst

Kirsten Dunst is such a beauty. And she exudes such class. She's what all young starlets should aspire to be, in my opinion.