Lindsay's Driver As Big A Bitch As She Is

Lindsay Lohan is a world-class bitch, and apparently she surrounds herself with people of similar persuasions. Her driver, for example. According to Page 6, Lindsay's chauffeur, John Zagata, demonstrated his own bitchy propensities by pitching a fit after accidentally rear-ending a car driven by Tony Bennett's daughter Antonia. Said Antonia's manager Keya Morgan:

[Zagata] hit Antonia's car. Then he has the nerve to jump out and scream, "Don't you know who I am? I represent Lindsay Lohan! How dare you get in my way!" He had no idea who Antonia was.

It's bad when stars play the old "don't you know who I am card," but when their drivers do it? "I represent Lindsay Lohan. How dare you get in my way!" He can't have really said that, can he? I mean, my God, that is the most insanely out-of-touch individual on the face of the earth. Oh, and then, to make matters worse, this complete imbecile Zagata tried to blame the incident on Antonia Bennett, despite there being numerous witnesses on the scene, who all saw him clearly ram her while she was parked. But he works for Linsday Lohan, so of course that means nothing's his fault. If he'd shot Antionia, he would've said she fell on the bullet.

Zagata, though, is not without his defenders. Said Lindsay's rep Leslie Sloane Zelnick:

It's a completely fabricated story. For as long as we've known him, John has never spoken that way . . . To blame a driver is the lowest.

Actually, Leslie, that's not the lowest. Making a living lying for Lindsay Lohan - that's the lowest.

(source)

Jack Nicholson Is An Old Lech

Jack Nicholson gives the old thumbs-up after being presented with a birthday cake at a Los Angeles Lakers basketball game. Sure, Jack was thinking about his birthday cake, not the hot-looking cheerleaders who gave him the cake. You know what you call a bunch of cheerleaders standing in front of Jack Nicholson? An all you can eat buffet. All that old fart Nicholson aspires to now is to die with his dick in some twenty-year-old Hooters waitress.

I've Never Been So Embarrassed To Be An Earthling...

Would somebody please hit Teri Hatcher with a tranquilizer dart and drag her sorry ass off? And Hugh Grant - I'd cool it with the pelvic thrusts if I were you. At your age you're liable to slip a disc.

Aishwarya To Take Bachchan's Name, Live With In-Laws

The name Aishwarya Rai may be famous the world round, but you won't be hearing or seeing it very much longer. That's because Aishwarya, being a good traditional Indian girl, has decided to take on new husband Abhishek Bachchan's last name, and has even begun signing autographs as Aishwarya Bachchan.

But that's not the end of the changes in store for the former Miss World Aishwarya. According to reports, the erstwhile Miss Rai and her new hubby will, per tradition, now be moving in with Abhishek's parents, legendary Bollywood stars Amitabh and Jaya Bachchan. Aishwarya will not, however, be expected to give up her own career as a film star; her new in-laws have already given their blessing for her to continue her movie work.

May I now humbly and apologetically take back everything bad I ever said about India? You guys rock. Seriously - any country that knows how to put a woman in her place like that deserves nothing but the utmost respect. Here's someone - Aishwarya Rai I mean - who was wealthy and famous in her own respect, and spent her life jetting around the world, but the second she marries some guy that whole independent lifestyle goes out the window, and she immediately not only takes the guy's name, but happily acquiesces to living with his parents. Are they going to have her on her knees scrubbing floors too? Will they made her dress in tattered rags and order her around like a miserable servant? I hope so. Cause that is one uppity bitch, I'm thinking. All those years of living the high-life probably put a lot of notions in her brain - but somebody's got to beat those notions out of her now. Tear that little ego down, Bachchans. Everyone knows that if you have a vagina, you should automatically be disqualified from having any life of your own. In fact, I'm shocked they're even letting the bitch keep acting. Why? Don't you know that will just reinforce her old ideas of being an independent person? Best to cut that off entirely. No, if I were the Bachchans, I would lock Aishwarya up in a little room and feed her nothing but rancid water and grass until she gets over those free-thinking notions of hers. Then, just to make a little money off the bitch, I'd charge the local horndogs a couple rupees to squirm around on top of her in whatever parody of sex they were able to manage. Cut that high-class whore down a peg or two.

(source)

Nut Tries To Run Over Sandra Bullock's Husband

I always thought Jesse James was a Western outlaw who robbed trains and got shot in the back. But, apparently, there's another dude named Jesse James, who builds motorcycles or something, and is currently married to Sandra Bullock. That Jesse James - not the old dead dude but the living guy - almost ended up as dead as the other Jesse James when, late Sunday night, some wacky chick in a Mercedes tried to run his ass over in front of his and Sandra's home in Orange County. And this wasn't an accident, mind you - this chick was trying to commit vehicular homicide, and to make it worse, Sandra, as well as James's 10-year-old kid, were standing there and saw the whole crazy thing.

So what the hell was this daffy broad thinking anyway? Apparently, the woman, Marcia Valentine, has been obsessed with Sandra for years, and the murder attempt against James was the culmination of some delusional scenario. So, what, this bitch thought if she got Jesse out of the way she and Sandra would be lovers? Oh yeah, that's the way to someone's heart - bump off their significant other, then sit and wait for them to come to you. Sorry Marcia, but if that kind of shit worked, Crabbie would be a mass-murderer by now.

Anyway, poor old Marcia managed to flee the scene after the attempt on James's life, but she didn't elude police long, as a manhunt ended in her capture on Monday. Valentine is currently being held on charges of assault with a deadly weapon (which is what a Mercedes becomes when you try to mow someone down with it), and to make matters worse, her crazy face is now all over the Internet:


Dang. I haven't seen a mush that maniacal since this bitch:



By the way, whatever happened to Wilbanks? Is she still mowing lawns in her sweatpants? And another thing - that pic of Jesse and Sandra at the top. Take ourselves a bit seriously Jesse? What is it with all these hardcore tattoo people? Is every last one of them a humorless, grim-faced shit? Dang man, lighten up. It's only life. What, your old man cuffed you around when you were a kid, so now you think the world is supposed to act like every time you breathe it's the most important thing that ever happened? Oh, my traumas - they're so traumatic. If I crack a smile people might not think I'm the toughest bastard on earth, and my wounded little childish ego can't take it. God, is there anything in the world lamer than some big meathead with a bunch of tattoos who thinks the sun rises and sets on his bad attitude? Get over yourself Jesse. Or better yet, the next time some crazy broad wants to plow you with her expensive foreign automobile? Just lay down on the ground and let her flatten your skull. If life is really as miserable as you pretend, it should be a relief to you.

(source)

Keira Knightley's Smoking Hot Ribcage

Keira Knightley does not have an eating disorder. Also, Rosie O'Donnell is not a fat lesbian, Donald Trump is not a bald old jerk, George Bush is not an incompetent buffoon and Perez Hilton is not a disgusting dimwitted human blob who slurps Paris daily.

Berry's Boobs Back Barack

Halle Berry shows her support for Barack Obama. It's nice to see that Halle keeps abreast of politics. Wow, Halle is really big on Obama. Let's see...what else. Halle Berry can't wait to fill out her ballot for Barack Obama. I need to grow up, don't I?