Balthazar Getty Will Fuck Anything

The STDs Balthazar Getty got from Sienna Miller weren't strong enough to satisfy his cravings, so he has moved on to human petri dish Lindsay Lohan.

People says Balthazar, whose family hasn't been able to get hold of him in months, possibly years, snuck into a club with Lohan through a backdoor and was "all over her" for the rest of the night.

If I'd had any respect for Balthazar Getty to begin with, it would all be gone now. And I don't know what to say about Lindsay. She switches sexual persuasions faster than Megan Fox switches positions on Michael Bay. I think she may be confused. Like I was in high school.

Megan Fox Figures Out Which Side Her Bread Is Buttered On

Megan Fox would be just another tatted-up street walker if not for Transformers. I know that. You know that. And now, Megan knows that.

In a 180-degree reversal from her previous remarks - stuff about Michael Bay being Hitler - Megan admitted at the Spike TV Scream Awards that she owes everything to the CGI robots and the egomaniac director who brought them to life.

"I don't usually do this, but I wanted to say something," Megan blubbered. "There have been a lot of false reports about how I feel about this movie. I just want to be very clear that I've always felt I’m a very ordinary part of an extraordinary film.

"...the movie took me out of obscurity and gave me a career," the dumb twat added, "and I'm completely grateful to everyone involved with this franchise."

And if Michael Bay is in need of a good taint-licking, Megan is the girl for the job.

Richard Heene Is An Insane Dirtbag

The problem with garnering massive media attention for perpetrating an unsuccessful hoax is all the dredging up of your past that goes on.

Richard Heene is finding this out the hard way. For instance, everyone now knows that Heene was jailed in 1997 for vandalism.

And everyone now knows that Heene believes human beings are descended from lizard-like aliens, and that some of said aliens still reside on the earth, in Arizona to be precise.

And everyone knows that, though Heene calls himself a scientist, he never even graduated from college.

I suppose Heene thinks these revelations are a small price to pay for notoriety. He is shameless.

Kill Them

Part of me thinks they're only faking it for the cameras. Another part of me thinks they're doing it just to drive me completely fucking insane. Another part of me wants to be a 13-year-old baton-twirling West Virginia child-bride. I'm weird.

Not Gonna Skate

Richard Heene aka Father of Balloon Boy thought he was going to put his little publicity scam over on everyone, but now it looks like that's not going to happen after all.

At last, the cops in Colorado have moved off their "we believe him" stance and are exploring bringing charges against Heene, professional storm-chaser, Wife Swapper and media-duping dickface.

"We do anticipate at some point in the future, there will be some criminal charges filed with regards to this incident," the Larimar County Sheriff said, adding, "What those charges may be, as I stated yesterday, what we we're looking at is Class 3 misdemeanor, which hardly seems serious enough given the circumstances."

The Sheriff said the feds will be consulted to see what other charges might be brought against Heene, who has spent the last several days milking his and his kids' celebrity for all it's worth.

Want to get true justice? Don't throw Heene in jail - just bar him from ever appearing on television again. That's the worst thing you could do to this steaming load of maggot-eaten fecal matter.

Lindsay Remains Free, For Now

Lindsay Lohan went to court today and successfully fooled the judge into allowing her to remain on probation rather than be jailed over her failure to complete the alcohol education classes she was supposed to take as punishment for one of her DUI arrests (I lose track).

Lohan's sob story - she works too hard and doesn't have time to make it to the classes - did not deter the judge from threatening the professional partier with jail if she doesn't shape up.

Prediction: Lindsay will die before she ever sees the inside of a jail. Unless we're talking a Panamanian jail or something. Then I take it back.

Getting Worse

Jon Gosselin is being sued by TLC for breach of contract. The cable network claims Jon violated his agreement by appearing on other networks for pay and talking shit about the show he used to star in with his Gorgon wife Kate.

By the time Kate and TLC are done with him, Jon will be living under a freeway overpass. If anyone should see him staggering down the road in tattered clothes holding a misspelled "Will Work for Weed" sign, please fight the urge to run him over.

Picking little bits of douchebag out of your grille is no fun. Trust me.