Balthazar Getty Will Fuck Anything

The STDs Balthazar Getty got from Sienna Miller weren't strong enough to satisfy his cravings, so he has moved on to human petri dish Lindsay Lohan.

People says Balthazar, whose family hasn't been able to get hold of him in months, possibly years, snuck into a club with Lohan through a backdoor and was "all over her" for the rest of the night.

If I'd had any respect for Balthazar Getty to begin with, it would all be gone now. And I don't know what to say about Lindsay. She switches sexual persuasions faster than Megan Fox switches positions on Michael Bay. I think she may be confused. Like I was in high school.

Megan Fox Figures Out Which Side Her Bread Is Buttered On

Megan Fox would be just another tatted-up street walker if not for Transformers. I know that. You know that. And now, Megan knows that.

In a 180-degree reversal from her previous remarks - stuff about Michael Bay being Hitler - Megan admitted at the Spike TV Scream Awards that she owes everything to the CGI robots and the egomaniac director who brought them to life.

"I don't usually do this, but I wanted to say something," Megan blubbered. "There have been a lot of false reports about how I feel about this movie. I just want to be very clear that I've always felt I’m a very ordinary part of an extraordinary film.

"...the movie took me out of obscurity and gave me a career," the dumb twat added, "and I'm completely grateful to everyone involved with this franchise."

And if Michael Bay is in need of a good taint-licking, Megan is the girl for the job.

Megan Gets A Check-Up

Megan Fox was photographed taking her dog in to an animal hospital. There was nothing wrong with the dog; he was just there to hold Megan's hand while she got her check-up. She's scared of veterinarians. Other things Megan is scared of: words, thoughts, genuine feelings and douching.

LaBoof And Lady

Question: Does LaBoof get points for eschewing the skank brigade and hooking up with a plainish serious actress type? I imagine there are lots of people out there who think he should dump the Mulligan chick, find the nearest Gossip Girl starlet and make a drug-fueled sex tape. Shia wants something real though. At least until Megan caves in.

It's Called Being Stupid

Megan Fox thinks she has a mental disorder because she's obsessed with Marilyn Monroe and believes she is going to die young like the famous blonde icon.

"I basically read every book ever written about Marilyn Monroe," Megan said. "I could end up like that because I constantly struggle with the idea that I think I’m a borderline personality—or that I have bouts of mild schizophrenia. I definitely have some kind of mental problem and I haven’t pinpointed what it is."

I've pinpointed what it is for you Megan. You ready?

You're a vapid twat.

And my money is on you not dying young. My money is on you living until at least 90 and never shutting up the whole time. And stop joshing us with that stuff about reading books. You think we're that easy to play?

Aw, Hims Has A Girlfwiend

LaBoof has been fucking Carey Mulligan, the British actress with whom he is starring in the new Wall Street sequel, cleverly named Wall Street 2.

She's cute. She's got big early Oscar buzz for her performance in An Education. She seems like a serious sort. She's not some skanky ho like Megan Fox. And, most importantly, she doesn't mind mangled fingers on a dude.

Way to go LaBoof. Try not to accidentally kill her.

I Feel Dirty Just Looking At Them

I hope LaBoof isn't too jealous that his dream girlfriend Megan Fox took Robert Pattinson to the Teen Choice Awards. You know Megan is all over that. Granted, Megan is all over pretty much anything with a dick or vagina (except LaBoof), but it's the extra vigor. She really almost means it when she goes down on Pattinson. He's so hot in a creepy lurking rapist way.

Question: Does Megan wake up in the morning wearing those "sexy" expressions that look like a precursor to dry heaves or does she wait until the cameras point at her?

Advice For Transformers Fans

LaBoof has some advice for anyone who's wondering how they will be able to endure the new Transformers movie without losing their minds. Crabbie's advice for the Megan Fox pervs: try not to squirt too hard on the head of the person in the seat in front of you. That's how public castrations happen.

Preemptive Ass Covering

Michael Bay thinks Paramount isn't doing a good enough job promoting his new loud brainless summer extravaganza Transformers 2. "I have been waiting, and waiting for the anticipation of an 'event movie' to make it into the 'public zeitgeist,'" the director ranted in an email to studio chief Brad Grey. Bay specifically ripped the print campaign, calling it an "abject failure." And believe me, this guy knows from abject failures: he made The Island.

Of course this all reeks of preemptive ass covering. If the movie flops, then it will be the fault of the studio for not promoting it. And if Bay is already trying to plant this seed? It must mean he knows the film is doomed, a major league stink-bomb that will make even Land of the Lost look like a classic. That's scary badness right there. Maybe, for the next Transformers movie (if there is one), Bay should just get rid of the giant robots and Shia LaBoof, and have Megan Fox work the pole for 2 hours. At least then she'd finally be tackling a role she can handle.

Verbal Diarrhea

Megan Fox is the new Jessica Alba. Megan runs her mouth about everything. She’s on record complaining about her resemblance to Alan Alda, looking like a tranny and being too beautiful and sexy. Just shut it, Megan. I don’t want to hear your revelations, you brainless cow. Megan has not learned by Jessica’s example. If you are a marginal actress, no one cares what you think. Keep quiet and look pretty. You are capable of earning some major coin and may retain some mystique. Zip it. You lose your allure with every asinine comment and interview. You are paid to be beautiful. That's it, genius.

UPDATE-There's one more nitwit too stupid to stay quiet, Jessica Biel. It's easy to forget her until she opens that mouth.

Less Than Meets The Eye

The big buzzing fashion item of the day is Megan Fox wearing this thigh-baring number to the Berlin premiere of the new Transformers movie. Contrary to what you might be thinking, Megan does not play one of the robots in the movie. No matter what Megan does, she always comes off looking like a plastic tranny. No matter what she says, she always comes off sounding like the kind of person shampoo manufacturers had in mind when they decided to put instructions on the bottle.

Megan Fox Runs Herself Down

I didn't actually watch this video but apparently it features Megan Fox slamming her own looks, claiming she's a tranny who resembles Alan Alda, etc., Oh, poor Megan...well, thankfully you're a rich movie star now and can afford all sorts of surgery. Unfortunately, there's no such thing as a self-esteem transplant. Or talent injections.

More Of This Shit

Transformers 2: Rise of the Fan Boys' Penises Every Time Megan Fox Sticks Her Tits Out tops my list of movies not to see in 2009. Won't matter of course - shit will still make a gazillion dollars and there will be a flood of publicity appearances by that tattooed slut and Shia LaBeouf who will hand out random bits of himself that fell off after his accident. Here's a suggestion...how about we go one year without any idiotic expensive Hollywood blockbusters being released? I'm still not over all the bullshit from this summer and it's only a few months until more starts coming. And don't even get me started on the Oscar hype. No, Benjamin Button is not that good. Speaking of that movie...was I the only one who was disappointed that they didn't stick a shrunken Brad Pitt head onto the baby at the end? What kind of fucking cheat was that, using a real baby. CGI that shit, man. And the stuff where they smoothed out all Cate Blanchett's wrinkles...it didn't make her look young, it made her look freaky - like Nicole Kidman without the plumper.

Dude Can't Catch a Break

Shia LaBeouf still hasn't recovered from busting his hand up in that car wreck, and now the actor is nursing another injury after getting hit in the eye with something on the set of Transformers 2: Megan Fox's Tits Plus Robots. LaBeouf reportedly received stitches to close a gash over his eye and immediately went back to work. What a trouper the kid is. Too bad he's such a god-awful dickweed.

Pair o' Bimbos

Shia LaBeouf took Transformers co-star Megan Fox as his date to the premiere of his new movie Eagle Eye. Oh Shia - you're so cool; you get to hold Megan Fox's hand. And if you were a female stripper or a has-been former 90210 cast-member, she might even fuck you.

So Deep

Plastic twat Megan Fox used an interview in GQ magazine as an opportunity to vent her anger at the Disney tart-machine and the control they exert over their starlets. "With any of the Miley Cyrus shit, or any of that Vanessa Hudgens shit—I would never issue an apology for my life and for who I am," Fox said. "It’s like, 'Oh, I’m sorry I took a naked, private picture that someone is an asshole and sold for money. I’m sorry if someone else is a dick.' No. You shouldn’t have to apologize. Someone betrayed Vanessa, but no one’s angry at that person. She had to apologize. I hate Disney for making her do that. Fuck Disney."

And then Megan added, "They take these little girls, and they put them through entertainment school and teach them to sing and dance, and make them wear belly shirts, but they won’t allow them to be their own people. It makes me sick."

Yes Megan - they'd be much better off if they rebelled against corporate power like you. Oh, by the way - Transformers 2 will be out June 26, 2009. Keep sticking it to the man Meg.

Megan Fox as Mother Teresa?

A trailer for a fake movie having something to do with the new film How to Lose Friends and Alienate People. That title is annoying enough to guarantee I will never, ever see this movie. I'm sure all the slobbering Megan Fox fanboys will buy the thing on DVD as whacking material.

No Really, Finger Stumps Are So Cool

Shia LaBeouf's pinky finger got so messed up in the crash that doctors will probably have to lop it off. "Shia called producers yesterday and told them," said a source on the set of Transformers 2: More Giant Dumbness and Megan Fox's Ass. "It's really thrown the movie into turmoil." Well I shouldn't think it would matter, what with CGI and all. Frankly, I'd think Shia would be thrilled about this. You know how hard he tries to seem tough. What could be more bad-ass than a missing finger? He'll be like a Yakuza or some shop teacher who was careless with a power saw. He should ask the doctors to lop a few fingers off, then he could be truly hardcore.

Megan Fox Topless Photos

Some pictures of Transformers skank Megan Fox prancing around topless while shooting her new movie have hit the web. Click HERE to see the uncensored version!!!

Megan Fox Was Always Two-Bit (And Not Especially Bright)

Cheap Angelina Jolie knock-off Megan Fox was reportedly once banned from Wal-Mart for shoplifting lip gloss.

"Megan was quite a rebel growing up," a source told the National Enquirer. "She thought she could get away with anything, and definitely had sticky fingers.

(Her fingers weren't all that was sticky I bet.)

"She would pocket things like candy and gum from convenience stores," the source continued, "but Megan's shoplifting days were quickly put to an end when she got busted for heisting a $7 tube of lip gloss from Wal-Mart.

"At first, Megan denied it. Even after they told her they caught her on surveillance video, Megan still tried talking her way out of it. But when they threatened to call the police, Megan broke down in tears and confessed."

The shoplifting part is just lame...the part about her being reduced to tears after getting caught is hilarious.

Oh, let me tell you...don't fuck with Wal-Mart. They may seem cheerful, but don't let them get you in a backroom. You only think Guantanamo Bay is bad.

How lame. Megan Fox...master shoplifter.

By the way, Megan sweetheart...you may laugh at gilded butterflies, but we all laugh at featherheaded twats and their stupid tattoos.