Only A Spears...

Star Magazine says Jamie Lynn Spears endangered the life of little unborn Maddie by getting liposuction while she was pregnant. The mag says Jamie Lynn just thought the preg-weight was regular Cheeto fat and begged her mom to let her get a blubber-suck, and her mom being a fantastic parent pulled strings and greased palms and convinced a surgeon to do the procedure on JL even though she's underaged. Apparently, no one involved in the process, including medical people, ever got clued in that JL's ballooniness might be the result of having a bun in the oven. Now do you people see why we need socialized medicine? Only many more layers of red tape can ever prevent this sort of thing from happening again. And sterilization of all members of the Spears family. And clip that pipelayer's peepee too just to be on the safe side.

Big Day for Baby

Jamie Lynn Spears took baby Maddie on her first trip to Wal-Mart yesterday. Those who aren't white trash have no idea what a huge deal that is. It's like your first communion only ten times bigger and with a lot more lead-tainted toys and huge vats of ketchup. "One day you will work here little Maddie," Jamie Lynn whispered to her daughter, "and you will get a 15% discount. Then you will buy mommy lots and lots of Diet Coke and tampons." You gotta dream big.

Nothing is Ever Easy for the Spears Family

Drama follows the Spears family around like Scarlett Johansson tailing a Barack Obama motorcade (while herself being tailed by Woody Allen). Of course Jamie Lynn's birthing experience was not going to be exempt from this. Star has the details (via I Don't Like You in That Way):

"The baby's heart rate dropped every time she tried to push," a family insider tells Star. "They did an ultrasound and quickly discovered that the umbilical cord was too short." But despite the doctors' dire warnings, the 17-year-old "was adamant about having a natural delivery." Everyone in the room at Southwest Mississippi Regional Medical Center in McComb, Miss., pleaded with Jamie Lynn to listen to the doctors - including big sister Britney. Brit had already been with Jamie Lynn for hours, massaging her back as she endured painful contractions. "But she got mad," says the insider. She told Jamie Lynn to "just have a damn Caesarian," as she did. "Britney then ran out in tears because she couldn't bear to see what was happening."

Then a circus bear came dancing into the room, a bunch of clowns tumbled out of the closet and the whole place exploded.

Jamie Lynn has reportedly decided that having a baby isn't such a wild time after all, and has moved in with Lynne so grandma can take care of it. Doesn't grandma have enough work taking care of Britney? And since when is Lynne qualified to raise a kid? I mean, look at the track record.