Only A Spears...

Star Magazine says Jamie Lynn Spears endangered the life of little unborn Maddie by getting liposuction while she was pregnant. The mag says Jamie Lynn just thought the preg-weight was regular Cheeto fat and begged her mom to let her get a blubber-suck, and her mom being a fantastic parent pulled strings and greased palms and convinced a surgeon to do the procedure on JL even though she's underaged. Apparently, no one involved in the process, including medical people, ever got clued in that JL's ballooniness might be the result of having a bun in the oven. Now do you people see why we need socialized medicine? Only many more layers of red tape can ever prevent this sort of thing from happening again. And sterilization of all members of the Spears family. And clip that pipelayer's peepee too just to be on the safe side.

Stop Kissing Up To The Hillbillies, Bitch

Nicole Kidman says she wants her daughter Friday Rhododendron to speak like a redneck when she grows up. "I hope she has a Southern accent," Kidman told the Nashville Tennesseean in an interview. And busted teeth and freaky eyes - so she can have her own Disney show. Keith needs to get working on his mullet. And I'd book the vaguely suggestive Vanity Fair photoshoot at least five years in advance. Wouldn't want Jamie Lynn Spears's kid beating you to the hillbilly jailbait finish line, would you?

Still Alive

Photographic proof that Jayden James is still alive. Can't see if Jamie Lynn looks pregnant. The place said this picture was taken at an "alligator farm." Britney asked for some alligator seeds so she could plant her own. No, I kid. Of course Britney knows you don't grow alligators like plants. That's only crocodiles.

Why does little JJ look like he wishes he could go live with the alligators?

Churning Them Out

Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant again according to the National Enquirer, and she and mother Lynne are reportedly hysterical. "Neither of them knows what to do, but for now they’re trying to keep the news from getting out," a source said. Jamie Lynn apparently believed she couldn't get pregnant while she was breast-feeding. At least that's what the guy told her. "You know I hate those nasty rubbery things, Jamie Lynn." I refer to the father as "that guy" because no one yet knows who it is. It very likely isn't the pipe-layer kid but another random dick. Perhaps a guy who does drywall or drives a forklift. Jamie Lynn's friends are reportedly urging her to get an abortion, but that would of course mean eternal damnation for Jamie Lynn who is looking forward to heaven after a life lived mostly in Louisiana.

Blockbuster Run

Britney and Jamie Lynn made a Blockbuster run. "Excuse me miss? Where do y'all keep the Robert Bresson films? I'm in the mood for some Au hasard Balthazar. That poor donkey...he just can't catch a break, can he?"

Mommy Evilest

Lynne Spears has released her idiotic book about the trials and tribulations of a Hollywood mom. In it she says that, if she had it to do over again, she would still let Britney and Jamie Lynn pursue show-biz careers. "I think you have to let them follow their dreams," she told People. "I think it would be worse in the end if you didn't." Yeah, worse for your bank account. Of course nothing matters but the little ones' dreams, right Lynne? Especially when they dovetail nicely with your dreams. Like the dream of not having to work another day in your life. So what if they completely ruin their lives in the process? They may be miserable but at least you have a nice house and a nice car and people at your beck-and-call 24 hours a day. No, I didn't expect her to come clean about what a heinous human being she is.

Happy Mom

I wonder if Jamie Lynn Spears regrets letting the pipe-layer do his thing in her. Nah, she's happy as a clam.

Big Day for Baby

Jamie Lynn Spears took baby Maddie on her first trip to Wal-Mart yesterday. Those who aren't white trash have no idea what a huge deal that is. It's like your first communion only ten times bigger and with a lot more lead-tainted toys and huge vats of ketchup. "One day you will work here little Maddie," Jamie Lynn whispered to her daughter, "and you will get a 15% discount. Then you will buy mommy lots and lots of Diet Coke and tampons." You gotta dream big.

Nothing is Ever Easy for the Spears Family

Drama follows the Spears family around like Scarlett Johansson tailing a Barack Obama motorcade (while herself being tailed by Woody Allen). Of course Jamie Lynn's birthing experience was not going to be exempt from this. Star has the details (via I Don't Like You in That Way):

"The baby's heart rate dropped every time she tried to push," a family insider tells Star. "They did an ultrasound and quickly discovered that the umbilical cord was too short." But despite the doctors' dire warnings, the 17-year-old "was adamant about having a natural delivery." Everyone in the room at Southwest Mississippi Regional Medical Center in McComb, Miss., pleaded with Jamie Lynn to listen to the doctors - including big sister Britney. Brit had already been with Jamie Lynn for hours, massaging her back as she endured painful contractions. "But she got mad," says the insider. She told Jamie Lynn to "just have a damn Caesarian," as she did. "Britney then ran out in tears because she couldn't bear to see what was happening."

Then a circus bear came dancing into the room, a bunch of clowns tumbled out of the closet and the whole place exploded.

Jamie Lynn has reportedly decided that having a baby isn't such a wild time after all, and has moved in with Lynne so grandma can take care of it. Doesn't grandma have enough work taking care of Britney? And since when is Lynne qualified to raise a kid? I mean, look at the track record.

First Pictures of Maddie Briann Spears, Daughter of Jamie Lynn

Jamie Lynn Spears was unable to negotiate a deal to sell the first pictures of her newborn Maddie Briann...so she did the next best thing by throwing some of them up on MySpace. I'm sure this will encourage several more pregnancy pacts - as if the world isn't already filled with enough brats. Jesus, what ever happened to chastity belts? And now we don't even have George Carlin to make sense of it for us. I feel like throwing myself off a bridge today.

Jamie Lynn Spears Leaves Hospital, Gets Police Escort

New mom Jamie Lynn Spears left the hospital today. She hid behind a sheet in the backseat of a Range Rover while her baby daddy Casey Aldridge drove. The happy parents reportedly received a police escort.

I hope Jamie Lynn is happy for her contribution to the collapse of America. Yeah, you know what I mean...those little brats with their pregnancy pact. Jamie Lynn and Juno are responsible for that. One of these days we'll figure out that some things should be stigmatized, for the good of society. Unfortunately we'll already be in some post-Apocalyptic wasteland waiting for Mel Gibson to come drive the gas tanker for us.

Cousin Alli Crawls Out of Her Hole

Alli Sims, the 40-year-old alleged cousin of Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears, crawled out of the hole she shares with Adnan Ghalib and Sam Lutfi long enough to make a statement about Jamie Lynn becoming a mom.

"I'm sure the baby's beautiful, and I'm so glad everybody's healthy and doing well," Sims said.

"I just wish them all the happiness in the world. I know they're going to have so much fun."

I'm still waiting for Alli to release that album she was making. When's that coming? I cleared a space for it on my shelf by throwing out Kevin Federline's CD.

Another Spears Enters the World

Jamie Lynn Spears had her kid. That's a nice way of saying it right? Not "shat out a bundle of joy" or "ejected a wailing little shitter?" I'm trying to class the place up a little, so no more "vag-monkey." Oh what the fuck do I care? My mother was planted long ago and she was the only one I would've worried about shaming.

They named the kid Maddie according to Us. That's different than what everyone was saying yesterday. Clearly, the Spears camp put out a little misinformation about the naming. Spearses are cleverer than you'd guess. Plus they know more possum recipes than almost anyone.

Jamie Lynn Spears to Be Induced

Pregnancy complications will reportedly cause doctors to induce Jamie Lynn Spears as early as tomorrow, reports the Enquirer.

Jamie Lynn apparently had an ultrasound last week which indicated the baby was in a breech position.

Britney and Jamie Spears have reportedly left Los Angeles to be with Jamie Lynn in Mississippi.

Who has their kid in Mississippi if they have a choice in the matter? Do they even have hospitals there?

Hopefully Jamie Lynn and the baby will be okay...cause it would suck if we didn't get to make fun of them for many years to come.

Jamie Lynn's Baby Shower

OK! Magazine got pics from Jamie Lynn Spears' baby shower (I'll be expecting an email from their lawyers after posting this one). Britney appears to be wearing a tablecloth, plus she's about six-feet tall. Lynne looks like she's going to the Kentucky Derby (to watch horse death). I'd comment on Jamie Lynn's appearance if I were 100% sure that actually is Jamie Lynn in the middle. The chick next to her looks like Tori Spelling and Heidi Montag had the worst parts of their faces fused to create Bride of Fugenstein. And the broad on the far right...I'm pretty sure she rang up my groceries the last time I was in Safeway.

Big Old Jamie Lynn Spears

Pregnant Jamie Lynn Spears is almost up to Britney-size now. Good thing Britney has that deal with Bally...she can get Jamie Lynn hooked up with a great work-out regimen after she pops the kid.

Who am I kidding? A Spears post-baby work-out regimen is sittin' on the couch yellin' with a mouthful of Doritos, spittin' wet Dorito all over the TV and occasionally leaning over to let out a big smelly Dorito fart.

Gift Ideas for Jamie Lynn Spears

Jamie Lynn Spears and her apparent fiance Casey Aldridge have registered for gifts at Babies R Us. Note the expected arrival date: July 10. Also note that the "Grandparents" field is left blank. Hmm...is someone else in the Spears family on the outs with Lynne?

Also, note the Registrant's Message:

Thank you for supprting us during this special time.

Yup, she's a Spears all right.

Aw...but this is no time to be piling on Jamie Lynn. It's such a joyous, happy time in her life! What could be better than giving birth at 16?

Just in case you were planning on buying Jamie Lynn a gift, here are ten suggestions from the Crabster:

1. A car-seat. Cause we don't want Jamie Lynn and baby starring in any photos like this.
2. A baby spoon. Cause it's about time someone in the Spears family learned how to eat with a utensil.
3. A super mega pack of Huggies. The special ones with "Jail Bait" written across the butt.
4. A pack of Virginia Slims and a can of Red Bull. Or, as the Spears family calls it, lunch.
5. A helmet. For when something like this happens (and you know it will).
6. Lipsticks from Rite Aid. No Spears family outing is complete without them.
7. An umbrella, so baby can join in the Spears family's favorite pastime, pap-whackin'.
8. A frame baby can one day use to proudly display his/her GED.
9. A can of couch-sittin', white-boy-rappin' gold-digger repellent.
10. Directions to the nearest Family Planning Center. Also a big old box of condoms.
    

Jamie Lynn, the Happy Ho

Brazen hussy Jamie Lynn Spears smiles in the face of people's scorn.

I swear, I think Jamie Lynn already popped out the one kid, and is onto her second. Little bitch has a whole brood already, tucked away some place.

Jamie Lynn Spears Goes to a Pregnancy Center

Look at the two nice young ladies. My, they must be headed to school. Or maybe to the mall.

Uh...how about the pregnancy center.

Yes, those "nice young ladies" are in fact Jamie Lynn Spears and some random friend (or maybe a person who claims to be her cousin). They headed to a pregnancy center in Mississippi together a few days ago. There Jamie Lynn learned all about birthin' babies. And the doctors told her about all the stuff she's not supposed to do while pregnant, like drink and smoke and take dope.

Doctors are such party-poopers.

Hopefully, Jamie Lynn will avoid getting any advice from her big sister Britney. "Now Jamie Lynn, when it comes time for the stork to come, you tell those doctors not to put you under. I did that baby thing two times and I didn't get to see the stork either god damn time..."

Let's hope Jamie Lynn grows up (fast) and becomes a responsible parent. Cause it would be awful if Scientologists had to come and take her baby away to raise as one of their own.

Jamie Lynn Spears Gets Her GED

Teen mother-to-be Jamie Lynn Spears has earned even more white trash cred by getting her GED. Hey Jamie Lynn - you put in your application at K-Mart yet?