Steve-O Finds Jesus

You knew the second he started talking about sobering up and getting his life in order that Steve-O was probably one pamphlet away from finding Jesus.

Sure enough. Here's Steve-O on his quest for a new and better Steve-O:

"I'm doing really well, overwhelmed with excitement regarding the future. My urge to stay sober, today, is way stronger than my urge to get fucked up. I truly pray to keep it that way."

Steve-O honey...there's no such thing as an "urge" to stay sober. Having urges of any kind is sort of the problem.

Anyway, we know that you will soon be embracing Jesus the same way Mel Gibson did after he kicked drugs. Cause that's what most addicts do. They don't really get better, they just trade one kind of crutch for another.

No matter what religion you adopt, Steve-O, I'm sure you will always have an urge to be a disgusting asshole.

Steve-O Was an Alky from Infancy

Steve-O has gone from outrageous jackass to blubbering pansy.

The self-harming dipshit, who was recently admitted to a mental health facility and put on suicide watch, has posted on his MySpace blog about his new-found desire to live:

I'm not ready to die. I'm ready to live. I'm ready to breathe (properly, even). I'm ready to fall in love. I'm ready to become ready to start a family. I'm ready to be happy, fulfilled and meaningful.

Good luck with that.

Steve-O continues:

It is not my intention to glorify my history as a drug abuser with elaborate stories about having sex in lavatories on airplanes after snorting amphetamines off the toilet at the tender age of seventeen.

Mom was very alcoholic, and I feel that is a gross understatement. I know I was always powerless over alcoholism, because it had such a grip on Mom’s adulthood and my childhood, and I never chose to fight it. Until now.

We were frequently on airplanes and, before Mom and Dad would find themselves in the embarrassing position of being caught by other passengers with a crying baby, I was fed alcohol.

You were fed alcohol...when banging your head against the seat would've been so much more effective.

Okay Steve-O, we know...you're a sad pathetic case who's now ready to turn his life around. I'd give you a medal if I didn't think you'd try to pin it to the inside of your colon.

Steve-O in Hospital, On Suicide Watch

Professional worm-eating fucktard Steve-O has reportedly been in Cedars Sinai's Thalian Mental Health Center since Sunday. Star Magazine says the Jackass hooligan is on suicide watch. TMZ says he has been charged with cocaine possession.

I say let him die.

Seriously...here's a chance for someone to make the world a better place. Some nurse there at the booby-hatch...just a little poison in his IV. Don't worry, you won't go to jail. You'll be given a medal and your own TV show.

Steve-O Arrested for Coke Possession

Jackass star Steve-O has been arrested for cocaine possession.

In the lamest bust since Boy George got nailed for drugs after calling the police to his own house, Steve-O got pinched after a neighbor put him under citizens arrest for knocking holes in their common wall. This happened at five o'clock in the morning.

Hmm...so Steve-O was up all night destroying the walls of his own apartment. Doesn't sound like coke to me...sounds more like meth.

Maybe Steve-O planted the coke to throw the cops off. "No officers, there's just the cocaine. No meth here at all [snicker snicker]."

This is not the first time Steve-O has been thrown in the clink for being a complete imbecile. In 2003, the retard was jailed in Sweden for publicly boasting about the drugs he'd smuggled into the country.

Steve-O honey...I know you think it's your job to entertain the world by abusing yourself and doing dumb things that get you in trouble with the law. But it's okay for you to stop now. No one really cares that much anymore. Jackass is so 2002. Amy Winehouse is the tattooed trainwreck we all laugh at now.