Crabbie's Odds

The gender and name of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline's second child have been revealed: It's a boy and its name is Jayden James Federline.

Odds of K-Fed giving up strip clubs and booze to stay home and take care of the kids: 5000-1.
Odds of Britney moving off the couch any time in the next two months: 6000-1.
Odds of Jayden James growing up to be a quantum physicist: 1000000-1.

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Courtney Love is now taking credit for talking Pete Doherty into entering rehab (this after she reportedly mentored Whitney Houston through her own drug troubles).

Odds Courtney is telling the truth: 200-1.
Odds Courtney is actually sober now herself: 500-1.
Odds the coroner will be able to identify Love's body as that of a human being after she dies: 10000-1.

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Wesley Snipes, in Namibia shooting a movie, has said he will not put his work on hold to return to America and face charges of tax fraud.

Odds Wesley ever sets foot in America again: 20000-1.
Odds Wesley ever has a hit movie again: 30000-1.
Odds Wesley is adopted by either Angelina Jolie or Madonna and made into a sex slave: 3-1.

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Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are officially officially getting married in Italy on November, 18. Officially.

Odds Katie Holmes is lucid during the wedding ceremony: 5000-1.
Odds Tom Cruise wears elevator shoes during said ceremony: Even.
Odds Mr. Spock gets drunk and punches Alf at the reception: 2-1.

Crabbie's Odds

Paris Hilton, arrested several weeks ago for being intoxicated behind the wheel, has now been formally charged with drunk driving.

Odds Paris ends up doing Boy George-like community service work: 50-1.
Odds Paris shows up for her court date carrying a monkey in a pink bag: 20-1.
Odds Paris vomits in the next 24 hours: 3-1.


Katie Holmes's ex-squeeze Chris Klein is good-naturedly shrugging off claims that Katie and Tom Cruise's daughter Suri more resembles him than the alleged father.

Odds Chris Klein gets a visit from Scientologists in black trenchcoats in the next week: 20-1.
Odds Suri grows up to be about 6-foot-two with an endearingly aw-shucks manner: 15-1.
Odds Tom Cruise actually endures all this without some kind of pharmaceutical assistance: 100-1.

Monkey-like tramp Nicole Richie is vehemently denying claims that she has checked herself into a rehab facility over an eating disorder.

Odds Nicole eats an entire turkey sub with extra mayo: 75-1.
Odds Nicole is mistaken for a macaque and dragged off to a zoo: 4-1.
Odds Paris finally pays a hitman to murder Nicole: 2-1.



"Comedian" Kathy Griffin says that ex-90210 star Tori Spelling and her husband Dean McDermott are expecting a child.

Odds Kathy Griffin says something genuinely funny at some point in her life: 200-1.
Odds Tori Spelling puts her face too close to a radiator and it melts: 10-1.
Odds of a man ever vaginally penetrating Tori Spelling without first putting a paper bag over her head: 500-1.


Russell Crowe is flush with indignation over speculative reports that he wishes to portray his late friend Croc-man Steve Irwin.

Odds Russell Crowe punches someone today: 5-1.
Odds Russell Crowe punches someone tomorrow: 5-1.
Odds Russell Crowe sucks a cock today or tomorrow: 1-1.