Paris And Britney - The Friendship Is Over

I'm trying to hold it together as best I can right now, but honestly, I don't know if I'm going to make it. So I'll just try and get through it. Okay. Here goes...

Paris and Britney...oh God, this is so hard. Okay. Just breathe....

Paris and Britney...hmmmph....

Paris and Brit...

Oh God! Paris and Britney aren't friends anymore! Cause Paris got mad when Britney said she didn't want to hang out anymore and now Paris calls Britney "The Animal!" Jesus! Somebody hug me right now! I don't think I can...

Hold on a sec while I wipe the tears off the keyboard.

Oh God, why are you so cruel?

That's it. I can't take it anymore. Where's that bottle of sleeping pills? I'm ending it now.

Goodbye world. Paris and Britney were too beautiful for you. And for me now there is only sleep. Deep, deep sleep...

Yes, I'm coming to the light.

Oh God. It's him. It's Rock.

I'm coming Rock. I'm coming!

Britney's Crazy Ride: A Retrospective

On behalf of all the entertainment/celebrity/gossip bloggers, I would like to say thank you to Britney Spears. Thank you, Britney, for giving us so much fine material the last couple of weeks. Thank you for having the poor taste to flash your goods in front of numerous cameras, guaranteeing lots of juicy pictures. And thank you most of all for just being Britney. Low-rent, clueless pieces of trash like you are worth your weight in gold (and page impressions).

And thank you also, Britney, for the memories. We'll cherish them always:


Yes Britney. We feel the same way too.

Crabbie's Quickies: Tom's Girdle, Heather's Hate-Mail, Lindsay and Paris No Longer Pals

Ho-in-the-Know Janet Charlton is reporting that Tom Cruise wore a girdle under his wedding tux.

In other news, the sun rose in the East this morning, and is expected to do the same thing tomorrow.

***

Heather Mills' website has been getting bombarded with hateful e-mails. So many of them that the address has finally been removed from the site.

A sampling of some of the vitriol spewed in Heather's direction includes this little missive:

"Dear Heather, you are now quite comfortably the most loathed person in the British Isles. Congratulations, it’s one hell of an achievement."

And this one:

"Heather, you are nothing but a bloody gold-digging disgrace…go to your bloody minefields, preferably without a detector."

I wish my detractors were so eloquent. Then I'd get pithier comments than, "Your ugly," and, "Your an asshole." (Contractions are apparently outside of these idiots' experience).

***

Lindsay Lohan's friendship with Paris Hilton appears to be over.

According to witnesses, Lindsay got bent-out-of-shape recently when, while on a shopping trip, she had her retinue of paparazzi stolen from her by Paris and her best pal Britney Spears. Lindsay attempted to "get revenge" against Paris and Brit by driving around town blaring Kevin Federline's CD on her stereo.

But wait, there's more. On Wednesday night at Teddy's, Lindsay attempted to hang out with Paris and Britney, but was rebuffed by the blonde BFF's. In a state of irritation, Lindsay was heard to say that she wouldn't mind hooking up with Federline, whom she said was sexy. And Britney's alleged reply? "Take him. Tell her please. Seriously, take him."

Paris Likes Ice Cream

That Paris, she likes her some cone. Yum-yum.

Nick Carter Calls Paris a Pothead. Paris Says, "Who Now?"

Paris Hilton's ex, newly-minted reality star Nick Carter, says that Paris is a pothead - such a huge pothead that when she goes on trips she crams her teddy bear full of the stuff and smuggles it onto airplanes.

"If she was going overseas she'd cut a hole in her teddy and stuff it with cannabis," says the obviously bitter former Backstreet Boy. "She had to have her own private stash with her at all times regardless of the consequences."

Well, why shouldn't a girl be able to have a puff when she wants one? All these damn prudish laws. A girl like Paris, she can't be dragged down just because other people are a lot of fuddy-duddies.

By the way Nicky, what's the deal with you also telling tales about Paris's lovemaking issues?

She relied heavily on drugs and drink to give her confidence in the bedroom and was more often than not too wasted to even perform.

I lost count of the nights I had to pick her off the floor and drag her to bed passed out.

It never occurred to you, did it Nicky, that maybe Paris was only pretending to be passed out so she wouldn't have to endure having sex with you. Because having sex with you was such a chore that she couldn't deal with it any longer. Because getting squirted in the face before the guy even gets it in isn't really that fun after awhile.

Crabbie's Odds

Paris Hilton, arrested several weeks ago for being intoxicated behind the wheel, has now been formally charged with drunk driving.

Odds Paris ends up doing Boy George-like community service work: 50-1.
Odds Paris shows up for her court date carrying a monkey in a pink bag: 20-1.
Odds Paris vomits in the next 24 hours: 3-1.


Katie Holmes's ex-squeeze Chris Klein is good-naturedly shrugging off claims that Katie and Tom Cruise's daughter Suri more resembles him than the alleged father.

Odds Chris Klein gets a visit from Scientologists in black trenchcoats in the next week: 20-1.
Odds Suri grows up to be about 6-foot-two with an endearingly aw-shucks manner: 15-1.
Odds Tom Cruise actually endures all this without some kind of pharmaceutical assistance: 100-1.

Monkey-like tramp Nicole Richie is vehemently denying claims that she has checked herself into a rehab facility over an eating disorder.

Odds Nicole eats an entire turkey sub with extra mayo: 75-1.
Odds Nicole is mistaken for a macaque and dragged off to a zoo: 4-1.
Odds Paris finally pays a hitman to murder Nicole: 2-1.



"Comedian" Kathy Griffin says that ex-90210 star Tori Spelling and her husband Dean McDermott are expecting a child.

Odds Kathy Griffin says something genuinely funny at some point in her life: 200-1.
Odds Tori Spelling puts her face too close to a radiator and it melts: 10-1.
Odds of a man ever vaginally penetrating Tori Spelling without first putting a paper bag over her head: 500-1.


Russell Crowe is flush with indignation over speculative reports that he wishes to portray his late friend Croc-man Steve Irwin.

Odds Russell Crowe punches someone today: 5-1.
Odds Russell Crowe punches someone tomorrow: 5-1.
Odds Russell Crowe sucks a cock today or tomorrow: 1-1.

Crabbie's Back

Had a lovely vacation on my couch. Now I'm ready to dish the dirt again. Let's see, what's been going on the world...

Oh my God, they finally published pictures of Tom Cruise's baby. Little Suri. Who bears on her tiny undeveloped shoulders the burden of rehumanizing her lunatic father. Good luck Suri. You're gonna need it.

Paris Hilton got arrested for DUI. I heard that, initially, she didn't want to take a breathalyzer, then they told her it was just like sucking on a budding young rock star's sweaty prick and she grabbed it and tried to flee. I kid Paris.

I watched a little bit of the U.S. Open. Roger Federer and his fuzzy balls beat Andy Roddick and his fuzzy balls. I just love manly men and their fuzzy balls.

Oh, and that poor croc guy got killed by that stingray. When I first heard about it, all I heard was that a famous Australian had lost his life in a freak aquatic mishap, and I had visions of Russell Crowe being chopped up by a propeller. Then I found out it wasn't Russell Crowe. Oh well, maybe next time...