Neil Patrick Harris, Out and About

Newly decloseted Doogie Howser cutie Neil Patrick Harris helps Buffy star Alyson Hannigan announce the People's Choice Awards Nominations in Beverly Hills. That Doogie's looking good, huh? And the other guy ain't so bad either, if you like that sort of thing.

The Gayness of Neil Patrick Harris

Everyone knows by now that Doogie Howser, M.D. star Neil Patrick Harris has come out of the closet. In an interview with People Magazine, he admits his gayness, and calls himself "a content gay man living my life to the fullest." Which is the sort of thing some people like to get up and applaud. Because some people just have this terrible need to demonstrate to everyone that they're cool with people being gay, and can handle even someone as iconic as Doogie Howser living on the ass-fucking side of the tracks.

Ha. That's all I have to say about it. Ha.

You phonies - yeah you. All the ones who're giving Doogie a hearty pat on the back for his courage in coming out. There isn't one of you who really wishes this guy well, you lot of two-faced fuckwads. If you people really had your way, Neil Patrick Harris and the rest of us homos would be turning slowly on a spit.

That's right, you'd kill us all if you had the chance. But not right away of course. First you'd waterboard us, or torture us in some other horrible way dreamed up by Dick Cheney. Then you'd make us sign a paper repudiating our gayness, and admitting to having lived sinful lives. Then you'd tie us up and put us on the spit and cook us like chickens. All the while swilling beer and singing college football fight songs or whatever the hell you hetero bastards sing when you're hanging out drinking and eating and farting and calling women "hot."

So save it, you straight assholes. Save your, "Isn't it great that Neil Patrick Harris is brave enough to come out and live his life in the open?" Because you don't really mean it. What you really mean is, "Wouldn't it be great to drug Neil Patrick Harris and toss him into the lion's cage at the zoo and watch the lions do to him what they used to do to the Christians." And then you'd high-five each other and crack open another Miller Lite and pass wind and say, "That Pamela Anderson is so hot," and then go off to watch a bunch of steroid freaks in tight pants fling themselves at each other in a blissful display of homoeroticism sometimes referred to as football.

Sick of you bozos.

Ever Wonder What a Gay Hillbilly Looks Like?

Wonder no more, kids.

Crabbie's Quickies: George Michael's Drug Woes; Bobby Brown's Arrest Warrant; Eva and Tony's Bust-Up; Moss and Doherty's Wedding Plans

George Michael says he doesn't have a drug problem.

Am I missing something? Didn't George just get arrested for falling asleep at an intersection while on dope?

And I suppose Mel Gibson doesn't have any problems with Jews either. And Anna Nicole Smith is on perfectly good terms with reality.

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An arrest warrant has been issued for Bobby Brown over his failure to show up for a Boston court date.

3-1 they find Bobby in an abandoned warehouse blubbering and soaked in urine (both his own and other people's). And waving a gun around.

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Reports say swarthy little bitch Eva Longoria dumped her boyfriend, hoopster hottie Tony Parker, because Parker was getting too cozy with one of his ex-girlfriends.

Sounds like Eva was having trouble keeping somebody happy. Might be time for her to consider having certain things tightened up (and I don't mean her ass).

By the way, Tony Parker. If you should ever become interested in moving over to the gay side of town, I'm available for tour-guide duties. You bald-headed slab of ball-bouncing Euro beef.

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Kate Moss and Pete Doherty are planning on getting married and starting a family.

Says Doherty's manager Eammon Tucker, "She's [Moss] just a very sweet girl who's very much in love with Pete. He makes her laugh and they're looking forward to having children soon."

I wonder what makes Kate Moss laugh. Balloon-animals? Dirty limericks? Seeing Pete passed out in a puddle of his own vomit?