Dita Von Teese And Marilyn Manson To End Their Unholy Union

The marriage between "burlesque queen" Dita Von Teese and shock-rocker Marilyn Manson would appear to be over. At least, Dita thinks it is. Cause she's serving him with divorce papers today. Which would be one indication that things probably aren't going so hot.

And what, pray-tell, could come between such a loving couple as Dita and Marilyn? Did she catch Marilyn canoodling with Beelzebub again? Did Marilyn get sick of her forgetting to lube the strap-on when she gave it to him in the pasty white ass? Actually, it was nothing so interesting. Dita, it turns out, just got sick of Marilyn not paying attention to her.

"He's not been responsive," a source told Page 6. "She loved him so much, but he has too many demons. He can't even communicate with her at this point. She tried to tell him she was divorcing him, but she can't even get him on the phone. She moved out of the house and he hasn't even noticed."

Too many demons. She didn't mean that literally, right? Like, Marilyn's got too many pet demons and they keep pissing on the couch and setting it on fire. "I told that Marilyn, the demons go or I do." All I can say, Dita, is no one can come between a man and his demons. Especially when they've hypnotized him with their magic demon eyes.

By the way, that picture - that is not an image of two of the world's vaster intellects. If Manson's stare were any more vacant he'd be an Olsen twin. And Dita...let's just say Dita ain't gonna be applying for a Mensa membership any time soon. And seriously, what's with the Halloween get-ups? I know, the whole gothy, alternative-lifestyle, tattoos-and-pierced-genitalia thing. Great. Fine. But honestly - these idiots don't expect us to take them seriously when they dress like that do they? It's like, "Ooh, I'm so dark and mysterious, so I paint my face all white and dress like Dracula's wet-dream." Please, Marilyn. You're nothing but an arrested adolescent with an elaborate compensatory facade. Underneath all that crap you're just a fourteen-year-old wanking to a picture of Morticia Addams and listening to Alice Cooper records. Grow up and get a clue. And Dita - you appear to be a very attractive woman. Why the hell would you marry a horse-faced closet-homo freak like Manson? Are you that near-sighted? Or are you another one of these vapid bitches who buy into the whole "dangerous man" persona that losers like Manson affect? Don't you know the whole thing's just an act meant to keep us from seeing that the stupid bastard is emotionally bruised from too many wedgies in high school? He's not dark and mysterious and strangely sensitive Dita - he's a brainless pervert who makes crappy music and probably harbors a secret fascination with one or more of the members of N'Sync. Jesus, is Crabbie the only one who sees through these preposterous poseur lamewads?

Oh God. I think Marilyn Manson just put a curse on me. I feel this strange pressure in my bowels.

Oh, wait. That's just the laxative kicking in. Never mind.

Kate Moss Dumps Pete Doherty? Who Will Be Our Favorite Wash-Out Couple Now?

It looks like the final bell has tolled for Kate Moss and Pete Doherty as a couple. Reports are coming out of England that Kate has finally become fed-up with her heroin-shooting, actor-murdering boyfriend and told him to get lost.

This is a tremendous blow to everyone who enjoys following the exploits of crazy junkie couples. I haven't felt this low since Whitney and Bobby broke up.

Hey. But there's always hope, isn't there? Especially now that Nicole Richie looks bent on joining the ranks of the self-destructive celebrity addicts. All we need now is a good druggie boyfriend for Richie. I know:


Nah. Too old. Plus I think he's gay.

All right then. How about this guy:

A possibility. As long as Nicole doesn't mind bedding Lindsay Lohan's cast-offs. Of course there's always the chance that Matthew has cleaned himself up, which sort of strikes him from the list.

Oh wait, I know:


This would seem a better choice. He's right about at Nicole's intellectual level, plus people think he's hip, which would help Nicole's image. The problem, of course, is that Paris already went there, and there could be tension. Wouldn't want a beautiful friendship being broken up over a man (especially not one as low-rent as Jason Mewes).

Hmm, this is tough. Looks like we might need to think outside the box on this one. Ooh, I've got it:

Why not? She's available (apparently). And isn't it about time we had a good lesbian junkie-couple, instead of another boring hetero one? Of course, it would be a bit strange for Kate Moss to be the fat one in the relationship. But hey - when they went to England, Nicole would be able to drive without even having to adjust to being on the left side. It's a match made in heaven, if you ask me.

Aniston and Vaughn Call it Quits

The Hollywood couple no one cared about, Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn, have decided to end their sham relationship and get on with their lives.

"After Jennifer's trip to London several weeks ago, Jennifer and Vince mutually agreed to end their relationship but continue to be good friends today," reps Stephen Huvane and John Pisani told People Magazine. Translation: They are both thoroughly sickened by the sight of each other. If they'd had to spend even another second in each other's presence, one of them would've whipped out a butcher knife and, well, it wouldn't have been pretty.

Jen and Vince first started seeing each other in 2005 while on the set of The Break-Up. Wedding rumors began popping up in early 2006, but were quickly quashed. Pictures surfaced now and then of the couple being romantic and stuff, but mostly the world just yawned whenever their names came up.

Okay. So. That's it for Jen and Vince I guess. No more stories about them. Hmm. All right. Well I'll see you around then. 'Kay, cool...

Crabbie's Quickies: Longoria/Parker Engagement; Sheen/Richards Divorce; Anna Nicole Booted; DeVito Drunk

Swarthy Desperate Housewife Eva Longoria and Euro-trash basketballer Tony Parker have announced their engagement.

Longoria broke the news first to her friend Ryan Seacrest in an early-morning phone call. Seacrest's high-pitched squeal of excitement was so powerful it shattered crystal five-hundred miles away.

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On the flip-side of marriage news, Charlie Sheen and his estranged wife Denise Richards are officially divorced.

So now when Charlie fucks hookers, it's no longer technically adultery.

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Brain-dead model Anna Nicole Smith has been ordered to vacate her Bahamas home, several months after originally being evicted.

I'm not actually sure I would want to live in a house Anna Nicole Smith had previously occupied. That booze-belch odor is hard to get out, and then there are all the bodies buried in the backyard.

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Rotund actor Danny DeVito is taking lots of shit over his drunken appearance yesterday on ABC's The View.

I don't know about you, but if I knew I was going to be facing Rosie O'Donnell in a few hours, I'd be pouring liquor down my throat like Shelley Winters at a wrap party (and that's a lot of drinking, folks).

Did Borat Break Up Pam and Kid?

That Borat - he's trouble all around. A menace to bigots, homophobes and fat masturbating guys everywhere. And he's not too good for superstar marriages either. At least he wasn't for Pam Anderson and Kid Rock's.

No, Borat did not steal Pam away from Kid. Fictional characters can't make off with other people's wives. They can, however, cause huge blow-ups during private screenings of movies. Especially when the person doing the blowing up has no sense of humor whatsoever.

Those who've seen Borat know that the fictional Kazakh journalist played by Sacha Baron Cohen is obsessed with Pam Anderson, and at the end of the film, tries to kidnap her from a book-signing. Well, this amusing bit of tomfoolery (which Pam participated in knowingly, unlike a lot of Borat's other co-stars) did not come across so hilarious to Kid Rock when the couple screened the film at Universal Studio chief Ron Meyer's house. In fact, Rock became incensed.

"Bob [Kid's real name is Bob Richie] started screaming at Pam," a Pam Anderson friend told Page 6, "saying she had humiliated herself and telling her, 'You're nothing but a whore! You're a slut! How could you do that movie?' - in front of everyone. It was very embarrassing."

"Ever since that night, it has been icicles between them," the friend goes on. "Bob is just a very unhappy and angry man. Pam is very disenchanted and sad. You know, there are reasons why she never married him before. Those reasons disappeared while they were together on a boat in St. Tropez, but she knows now that they never went away. The reality is he is an insecure, angry man."

So Pam walked out on him. Well I say good for Pam. She doesn't have to put up with that crap.

And as far as Kid's temper-tantrum goes - I think we all know the real reason he got upset. Borat makes merciless fun of rednecks, and those are Kid's peeps. That scene at the rodeo, where Borat sings the Kazakh national anthem to the tune of the "Star Spangled Banner". That's just the kind of thing that would upset a "put a boot in their ass" patriotic hick like Rock. Let's face it - Pam is just too sophisticated for Kid. She's a flag-waving member of PETA, and he's the kind of person who scrapes up roadkill and fries it for supper. That thing never had a chance to work.

Pam Anderson and Kid Rock Are Kaput

It has not been a great year for dirty trailer-trash couples. First Britney and Federline called it quits, and now Baywatch android Pam Anderson and her disgusting liquor-swilling monkey of a husband Kid Rock have filed for divorce.

The road to romance and ultimate separation was a rocky one for Pam and Kid. The couple first began swapping bodily fluids back in early 2001, then got engaged in April of 2002 only to split up in June 2003. They got back together this summer in St. Tropez after a chance meeting and for some reason decided to get married. They held a ceremony on a yacht on July 29, then became legally wed in Beverly Hills on August 3. In Pam's divorce filing, it is stated that the couple separated on Nov. 21, while in Kid's it says Nov. 26. The couple cited "irreconcilable differences" as the cause of the split.

It should be noted that Pam was reported to have suffered a miscarriage a couple of weeks back. No word on whether this played into the break-up. My own gut feeling is that one day Pam and Kid just looked at each other and realized they could both do better. Now Kid can find himself a younger woman with breasts that don't leak, and Pam can find herself an actual human male.

Why Jude Cut Sienna Loose (No, it Wasn't the Smelly Bed-Farts)

Hunky but troubled actor Jude Law apparently had a good reason for breaking off his relationship with mentally challenged actress Sienna Miller - he was sick and tired of all the partying.

"She was just too wild for him," says a source close to Law. "She partied too much. He is a devoted father of four children and she always wanted to go out constantly. He was just done with her."

Oh, so it's her partying that broke them up. How typical. Things go sour and of course it's all the woman's fault cause she can't keep herself together. Never mind the fact that the man is a known nanny-fucker who hasn't always looked the picture of mental stability himself.

I for one can't wait to hear Sienna's side of the story. Surely, there must've been something more than Sienna's propensity to live it up that came between them. Probably Jude was screwing the help again, or maybe Sienna just got tired of his bawling and carrying on.

Of course, there's always the chance that Jude is telling the truth. That Sienna really is an out-of-control booze-monkey and he just couldn't take it anymore.

But why is Sienna an out-of-control booze-monkey (if she actually is one)? Maybe she's just trying to deal with all the sorrow heaped on her because Jude can't keep it in his pants.

And what about poor Sloane, still in the coma after her car crash? And little Ashley who's going to have to grow up without a daddy now that the evil Miles shot him and mailed his body to South America? And that wench Victoria - when is David going to figure out that she's cheating on him? Poor David. He really loves Victoria, and she's just a total slut. Somebody really ought to poison that bitch's Cheerios.

Jude Law and Sienna Miller Call it Quits. And This Time, They Mean It. I Think.

Oft-estranged movie star couple Jude Law and Sienna Miller are splitting up once and for all, citing "fundamental differences." And there's no reason for us to doubt that this time it's for real - except for the fact that both of them are lying publicity-hungry scum.

All right, that wasn't fair. Jude's not lying and publicity-hungry; he's just drunk all the time. Sienna, however, is a certifiable truth-challenged media-whore - and a moron, and a twat.

By the way, I wonder if Sienna has a witty nickname for Jude like she does for Pittsburgh. Crude Law? Jude Crawfish? Pumpy the Ram-Rodder? Man Who Doesn't Get to Fuck Me Anymore?

Poor Jude. Must be hell losing this bitch. I mean, the man is clearly a masochist. And Sienna, well, she's just a masochist's dream isn't she? Better than a dentist with Parkinson's. But now Jude's going to have to find a new bitch willing, and able, to gratify his urge for abuse.

Hmm, I wonder who's out there...


Perfect.

Unless the name "Jude" brings back unpleasant memories for old Stumpy.

Update: The Chick Who Broke Up Reese and Ryan

It's official - Ryan Phillippe and Reese Witherspoon broke up because Ryan was screwing around.

And by "it's official" I mean "it's being reported by Page 6." So maybe "official" isn't the right word.

At any rate, it appears that Ryan and Reese are splitsville because Ryan couldn't keep his dick in his pants. And which tart was hot enough to jar Ryan away from his little Reesie-poo?

This bitch:


Abbie Cornish, a 24-year-old Australian actress, whom Phillippe met and got cozy with on the set of the movie Stop Loss. Cornish, it must be pointed out, is both 6 years younger than Reese and has one less Oscar - both qualities a man like Ryan might find appealing. Insecure dirty dog that he is.

By the way, according to The National Enquirer (another unimpeachable source like Page 6), the point-of-no-return for Ryan and Reese was reached two weeks ago when, after the premiere of Ryan's new movie Flags of Our Fathers, Reese discovered "incriminating e-mails" on Ryan's Blackberry.

Let Crabbie bestow a little wisdom here kids - when a man leaves e-mails from his lover on his Blackberry, and leaves said Blackberry lying around for his wife to pick up, then that man wants to get caught. Cause he's tired of the whole thing and is just looking for some way to end it. And doesn't have the balls to just confront his wife directly because, well, his balls are currently being kept in a little metal box in the corner of his wife's underwear drawer.

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This just in to Crabbie's Hollywood: Abbie Cornish's people are denying she had anything to do with breaking Reese and Ryan up, insisting their client and Ryan are "co-stars and that is it." Stupid of them to refute the claims given the great publicity opportunity that's been dropped in their lap. But I guess they don't want to help Abbie become famous.

Breaking News: Ryan Phillippe is Free

Super-hot Crash star Ryan Phillippe and his little bridge-troll wife Reese Witherspoon have separated after seven years of marriage.

An official statement from the couple's rep: "We are saddened to announce that Reese and Ryan have decided to formally separate. They remain committed to their family and we ask that you please respect their privacy and the safety of their children at this time."

Respect their privacy and the safety of their children? What, are they worried somebody might take advantage of the situation to attempt a kidnapping?

I think I see a pattern emerging with these celebrity marriages that break up. It happened earlier this year with Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe too. These hot young couples seem so happy together, but underneath there's all this simmering resentment, because the woman is far more accomplished than the man. I mean, Hilary wins two Oscars, and what does Chad Lowe do? Win Employee of the Month at Costco? And then at the ceremony, Hilary doesn't even bother to remember the poor schlub.

It wouldn't surprise me to find out that what finally broke Ryan and Reese up was that Oscar Reese won. I mean, sure, Ryan's movie won Best Picture, but that was an ensemble piece, and Ryan wasn't even nominated for an acting award. Reese, meanwhile, is garnering individual accolades like there's no tomorrow. That's a lot for a man to stand, especially one as obviously loaded with testosterone as Ryan. Having to sit there smiling pleasantly while your woman beats your ass at the thing you both do. The male ego is a pretty fragile thing, you know.

Mills Says McCartney Beat Her. Bitch is Just Lucky He Didn't Kill Her, If You Ask Me.

Screeching one-legged bitch Heather Mills is alleging that estranged husband Paul McCartney physically assaulted her on several occasions over the course of their marriage, and that the former Beatle also consumed alcohol and drugs to excess during that time.

It would be very easy right now to make a joke about McCartney needing lots of drugs and booze to survive living with a shrill gold-digging monopede like Heather, but I won't, because I'm above that. I will also refrain from making humorous comments about Mills deserving to get the shit kicked out of her for being nothing but an opportunistic harpyish peg-leg who, had she not gotten so much attention for having her limb whacked off in the first place, would never have met someone like McCartney, and been put in a position to leech off him. There's absolutely no need for remarks like that.

Getting back to the story...

In court papers filed by Mills' attorneys, the model and anti-landmine advocate alleges that McCartney attacked her while she was pregnant, and once stabbed her in the arm with a broken wine glass (it wouldn't have done any good to stab her in the leg). Mills also accuses Sir Paul of verbally abusing her, calling her an "ungrateful bitch" (so honesty is a crime now?), and - this is hilarious - of "objecting vociferously" when Mills wanted to buy a bedpan so she wouldn't have to drag her asymmetrical carcass to the john in the night.

Damn, Paul. That's cold.

Paris Dumps Travis Barker. Guess She Doesn't Like Monkeys As Much As We Thought.

Paris Hilton has broken it off with that icky drummer-guy Travis Barker.

According to sources close to Hilton (eye-roll), the big-nosed, funky-eyed illiterate blonde pet-abusing publicity whore (that would be Paris) just decided she didn't need any drama in her life right now - drama like being called a "skinny bitch" by Shanna Moakler right before getting clocked in the lower mandible.

So the guy who started the whole ruckus in the first place has been kicked to the curb. I say good for Paris. That Barker guy is just plain revolting. Like something from a side-show. The amazing tattooed rhesus monkey. Eighth wonder of the world. Come see the giant pulsating schlong that captivated a nation, as well as several undiscriminating brainless blondes.

Crabbie's Quickies: George Michael's Drug Woes; Bobby Brown's Arrest Warrant; Eva and Tony's Bust-Up; Moss and Doherty's Wedding Plans

George Michael says he doesn't have a drug problem.

Am I missing something? Didn't George just get arrested for falling asleep at an intersection while on dope?

And I suppose Mel Gibson doesn't have any problems with Jews either. And Anna Nicole Smith is on perfectly good terms with reality.

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An arrest warrant has been issued for Bobby Brown over his failure to show up for a Boston court date.

3-1 they find Bobby in an abandoned warehouse blubbering and soaked in urine (both his own and other people's). And waving a gun around.

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Reports say swarthy little bitch Eva Longoria dumped her boyfriend, hoopster hottie Tony Parker, because Parker was getting too cozy with one of his ex-girlfriends.

Sounds like Eva was having trouble keeping somebody happy. Might be time for her to consider having certain things tightened up (and I don't mean her ass).

By the way, Tony Parker. If you should ever become interested in moving over to the gay side of town, I'm available for tour-guide duties. You bald-headed slab of ball-bouncing Euro beef.

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Kate Moss and Pete Doherty are planning on getting married and starting a family.

Says Doherty's manager Eammon Tucker, "She's [Moss] just a very sweet girl who's very much in love with Pete. He makes her laugh and they're looking forward to having children soon."

I wonder what makes Kate Moss laugh. Balloon-animals? Dirty limericks? Seeing Pete passed out in a puddle of his own vomit?

Kiss My Ass: Whitney and Bobby No Longer A Couple

Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown have filed court documents seeking a legal separation. TMZ reports that Whitney will officially file for divorce next month.

Now's your chance Osama!