Jolie Cheats And Lies To Get Kid

Angelina Jolie is willing to do almost anything to feed her addiction to child-adopting - including circumventing the laws of nations. The newest victims of Jolie's pushiness are the Vietnamese. Angelina saw a little orphan boy there she wanted to adopt, but she wasn't willing to go through the same process everyone else has to, so she used her movie-star clout and State Department connections to get around the pesky rules. The potential snag was that unmarried couples like Angelina and Brad are seen as less-than-ideal adoption candidates. So, Angelina simply applied as a "single mother." Said one international adoption advocate, "This is a clear contradiction of Vietnamese law, and such situations would not be allowed for other couples. ... Most cohabitating couples who try to adopt as a single parent are either turned away from agencies or face difficulties." But not Angelina. Because she's Angelina.

Of course, the argument in Jolie's favor is, "So what? As long as she's saving the little kid from poverty, who cares about the rules?" But the rules exist for a reason - to protect the kids. You screen adoption candidates because certain people aren't great prospects, they don't have stable situations, and bad things can happen. Am I saying we should be worried that Angelina is a bad mom? No. But why should we assume that, just because she's rich and famous, she will necessarily be able to give the kids she adopts a better life? If she's really such a wonderful mother, then let her go through the process like everyone else. She'll be vindicated in the end. The only reason she's circumventing the rules is because she doesn't want to be inconvenienced. Movie-stars get used to being fast-tracked, moved to the front of the line, let in through the side-door. And Angelina is no exception. However, if she's really such a great advocate of adoption as she claims, then she should have more respect for the rules. She shouldn't turn the adoption process into a farce. She should set a better example for other prospective adopters. Her behavior frankly makes her seem very selfish and unconcerned about supporting a system that, after all, exists to keep the kids from harm. But, of course, it's all about Angelina, isn't it? What Angelina wants Angelina gets.

Fake Anna Nicole Pictures Weren't Fake

Last week, the National Enquirer ran pictures it claimed were "photo re-creations" of a dead Anna Nicole Smith stretched out on the slab. Now, a source close to the Enquirer has told the New York Post that, in fact, the photos were real, and the whole "re-creation" story was cooked up to keep the mortuary worker who conspired with the Enquirer's photographer from getting canned. The unnamed worker was allegedly paid a great deal of money to remove Smith's not-yet-embalmed body from a refrigerated drawer and allow the photog to snap his pics.

The thing about this story is that it doesn't really matter. It's the Enquirer - most people are going to assume the pictures are fake even if they are real. And the kind of flip-flop-wearing fat-asses who buy the magazine probably can't read anyway, so all they see are the pictures of what looks like Anna Nicole dead - no explanation would mean a damn thing to these people anyway. What's sort of odd is that the Enquirer would bother shelling out a ton of money to get real pictures in the first place, when they probably could just make fakes and get away with it. I mean, it's the same ploy one way or the other - you run the teaser on the front-page, not bothering to mention that the pictures are fake, then the reader pages to the story and you lay on them that the photos are re-creations. Seems to me you do this whether the pictures are real or not - so why not save the expense, and the potential for someone at the mortuary to get in trouble (if you really are concerned about that), and just fake them? Can it actually be more expensive to hire a decent photoshop artist than pay off some unethical mortuary employee? Maybe it is. Maybe they saved money by getting the real pictures. Still, seems like kind of a waste of good publicity - to have real pictures of Anna Nicole dead and say they're fake. But, like I said before, it's the Enquirer - no one would believe they were real anyway.

By the way, this picture of Howard K. Stern partying it up with Anna's body after the funeral? Totally real:

Liotta Shoots Down Plastic Surgery Rumors

Recent pictures of actor Ray Liotta have led people to speculate that the actor had some kind of cosmetic surgery done to his face. But, according to Liotta's spokespeople, these rumors are absolutely false. "Ray Liotta has had no cosmetic procedures," they say. Dr. Anthony Griffin, a plastic surgeon, doesn't believe them. Here's what Mr. Griffin said to the New York Daily News after viewing the pictures of Mr. Liotta:

He's probably had some Restylane or something injected into his laugh lines. He's developed a bit of a jowl. His skin looks awful. I'm sure he's been getting some kind of treatment because he's had a history of acne.

Uh, some kind of treatment, Dr. Griffin? Looks to me like he's had his face sandblasted. Or maybe he just had all the skin blowtorched off and replaced with wax. Whatever the case, the man no longer looks natural. I mean, just look at his eyes. He can't even open them anymore. And his mouth - those aren't lines trailing away from the corners, they're cracks. And his forehead. Christ, if NASA discovered that, they'd try to land rovers on it to explore it. I mean, Jesus Ray - even Amanda Lapore thinks you look fucked-up.

Jessica Simpson Is A Classy Chick

Jessica Simpson wants to reassure us that we will never see pictures of her cooch on the Internet. "I don't understand what's going on with that," Simpson says about the propensity of certain starlets to flash their goods for the cameras. "I'm the kind of girl who always puts my hand between my legs when I'm getting out of a car if I'm wearing a short skirt. I always wear underwear. It's a personal rule."

So now you know - Jessica Simpson always wears underwear. She has a rule about it. And what happens if she breaks the rule? Does she paddle herself on the ass? Whack herself in the knuckles with a ruler? Make herself stand in the corner? We know she doesn't make herself write "I will always wear underwear" on a piece of paper five-hundred times - Christ, "underwear" alone has 9 letters, not to mention all those other tough words (like "I"). There's a limit to how much punishment a person should have to bear.

Fergie Is A Dork

Here's a picture of Fergie and her dog. But I don't care about the dog. I want to focus on Fergie. Mostly I want to focus on that belt she's wearing with the bottles and the pack in front. And the way her hair looks. And her bloated face and butt-chin. I'm not saying these things just to be mean, by the way. I'm actually trying to make a point. About coolness. I think we can all agree that, generally speaking, Fergie is considered one of the cool people. She's treated that way by the media at least. Fergie, the hip, sexy music star. But, looking at this picture - uh, that is not my idea of a cool person. That is my idea of a dork. That is what a star becomes when they don't have someone telling them how to dress, and do their hair, and move, and act. And, I hate to say it, but I think the majority of those who are supposed to be "the cool people" are actually dorks. I think that, frankly, the image-makers of this world are taking us all for a ride. But, I have to give them credit - if they can take a dork like Fergie and make her seem cool, they must have something going for them. They must be geniuses.

Sienna Miller Denies Being A Slut

Sienna Miller is sick and tired of people insinuating she's a slut. "It makes me angry that I have been linked to every single actor I have ever met," says the rapidly aging blonde strumpet. "I've just come out of a relationship I was in for three years, and before that I was in a relationship for two years, so I've actually had a boyfriend for five years. But I have this reputation that I've shagged this bloke and this bloke. ... There's no truth in most of this. I meet Josh Hartnett and suddenly people are wondering what our babies would look like. Because I'm inherently rebellious, I think, 'Why can't I have male friends who are actors? This is my world. Why should I change and be discreet, that isn't who I am.'"

Oh get over yourself Sienna. Everyone knows the truth - you'll spread your legs for just about anyone. Doesn't even have to be an actor. Could be the garbage man, or the plumber, or the mental patient who's always shambling past your house with his hands in his pockets, muttering things about J. Edgar Hoover. You are voracious Sienna. Can't get enough of it. A roomful of men is to you what a package of Oreos is to Rosie O'Donnell. If you go even one day without being hammered senseless you feel like your whole life is unraveling. Of course you're a slut. What else would you be?

Anna Nicole's Funeral

Anna Nicole Smith's pink-draped coffin, behind it a picture of her dressed as Marilyn Monroe. Splash News must be the photo agency that shelled out the $15,000. What a freaking waste.

There's only one way for this story to be interesting now - if Howard K. Stern and Larry Birkhead come to blows, knocking over the coffin, and revealing that it was filled with bricks. Otherwise it's just a matter of morbid curiosity, and a way for the cable news channels to fill time until the next celeb meltdown.