The Mad-Dog's New Style

Maddox is sporting a new style lately. Basically, he no longer looks like a kid, but a little miniature dude, complete with mustache. How is a 7-year-old growing a mustache? I know Asians are sometimes freaky that way but, dang man, he must've been exposed to radiation or some Sasquatch genes.

And Towelhead Baby Makes 7

Angelina and Brad recently took a trip to Syria to visit refugees displaced by the Iraq conflict. Angie evidently saw something she liked because it's being reported that she has begun the process of adopting one of the poor sunburned victims of George Bush's illegal oil war.

Ah, but this deal isn't going down as smoothly as the last few adoptions/births. Sources say Brad was against adding a 7th kid to the brood, and Angie went ahead without him. People with knowledge of the situation say only Angelina's name is on the adoption papers.

Numerous questions arise in the wake of this news. 1: What color is an Iraqi refugee baby officially and how does this affect the legendary balance? 2: How long before Brad putters off on his motorcycle to find a piece of ass who isn't a deranged baby hoarder? 3: At what point does Shiloh begin her bid to become legally emancipated? 4: How will Octomom react to this shocking news? For that matter, how will Balloon Boy react? 5: When will I stop repeating these silly, unfounded rumors as if they were fact?

A Dash Of Salt (That's Why I'm The Best)

A Russian-language trailer for Angelina Jolie's forthcoming thriller Salt has bubbled up from the great frothing mire of the internet. Yes, this is the movie that was supposed to star Tom Cruise until someone decided the story would be better if the lead character had a vagina and a pair of juicy tatas. Tom doesn't have juicy tatas.

Famous People Care

Brad and Angie visited some orphans in Jordan at the invitation of Queen Noor. The orphans sang a song to distract Angie while Brad went off to give the Queen a quick poke. Fucking a queen was a step down from fucking the Empress of the Universe, but Brad's not picky.

Her Favorite

Not sure why, but I always get the impression that Maddox is Angie's favorite. Of course we know she hates the blob. She probably hates the twins because they are also blobs, though she has been careful not to call them that. Zahara is basically Brad's. And Pax...he's just along for the ride.

When Angie dies, Maddox will get everything. The black wardrobe. The whips and handcuffs. The knives. All of it. And James Haven will be devastated.

Studmuffins

"So Brad, do I have any shot at Angelina at all?"

"You'll have to get me out of the way first, sir."

"That can be arranged you know."

"Yeah? Can you also arrange to stop blowing your booze-breath in my face?"

"I like you Brad. I'm willing to do a swap. Give me ten minutes with Angie and you can have Hillary for a night."

"What the hell am I supposed to do with her?"

"Just do what I do. Make her lie on her stomach, get in there, do your business, tell her she's holding up pretty well, then watch 30 Rock on the DVR till you nod off."

"That sounds great. But you do realize that 5 minutes with Angie would pretty much kill your old french fry-eating ass."

"That's what I'm hoping son. Death by skank. Can you think of a better way to go?"

"Besides snapping my dick off in George Clooney's asshole and bleeding to death?"

"I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that."

Don't Tell Angie

Superfetation is when a woman gets pregnant and then somehow conceives a second time before crapping out the first one. This shit is never supposed to happen - thank God or women would be even crankier than they are - but somehow it did, to a redneck named Julia Grovenberg.

If something insane and physically impossible is going to happen, it's probably going to happen to a redneck. Who needs genetics labs when you have Arkansas?

It struck me, after I read this story, that Angelina would be all over this if there were some way to induce it. She would basically just stay pregnant all the time, pumping out one after another. It's cheaper than her robot army idea plus babies are much cuddlier.

Back On The Circuit

Angelina Jolie is back on the suffering circuit. This time it's Somalia. I'm sure they were very comforted. They considered killing and eating her but one look at her stick arms and they figured it wasn't worth the trouble. So they slaughtered a couple of their own children instead.

Poor Kid

Katherine Heigl is adopting a Korean baby with her husband Josh Kelley and renaming it Nayleigh. Not Kayleigh or Hayleigh but Nayleigh. A few months with Heigl and the baby will wish it was back in Korea living in a cage and eating rancid dog meat.

Some kids hit the jackpot, being adopted by Angelina Jolie or Madonna. And some get adopted by Katherine Heigl. Which still isn't as bad as being adopted by Sharon Stone.

In Case You Were Wondering

The Brood is in France, doing fun family things like shopping for gerbils. Brad wears a disguise when he goes into the pet store and looks at the gerbils. They know him too well there.

Has Angie ever heard of summer colors? Black black black black. So predictable.

Jessica Biel Is Destroying The Internet

According to internet security experts, Jessica Biel is the celebrity most favored by virus-spreaders seeking to hijack searches. A new report says a full one out of five Biel searches leads the innocent Googler to a site that propagates malware.

It's just like I've always though: Jessica Biel is ruining the internet. Nay, the world.

Experts say Beyonce, Jennifer Aniston, Tom Brady and Jessica Simpson are the other most-favored celebs by hackers and other web troublemakers. Conspicuous by her absence on this list is Angelina Jolie. Which leads me to believe that Angelina is in charge of the hackers.

Angie Brings Out The Old Stuff

It's not quite the good old vampy Angie but it's as close as you're going to get. Not sure what Brad's going for there. The Most Interesting Man in the World? Button that up!

Don't They Know That Stuff Is Poison?

Brad and Angie are just normal people like you. They drive around with their kids, and when they're hungry, they hit the McDonald's drive-thru. And have to repeat their order at least fifteen times to the idiot on the other side of the intercom who still doesn't get it right. Shit like that is why people snap and reach for their automatic weapons.

Facial Hair Issues

Brad Pitt has gone from that little pedophile mustache to a goatee. Suggestion Brad: shave. Unless Angie likes the look. Then obviously you have to stick with it. Angie must be obeyed, otherwise no more "trips to the park" with Zahara.

Someone's Getting Reamed

I have no context for this photo of Angelina in her SUV. I have no idea if she's going through a drive-thru here, or screaming at a pap, or reaming out a pedestrian who failed to bow as she drove by. I'm going to assume that, if her window is rolled down and she's interacting with people outside the vehicle, she is either giving an order or delivering a tongue-lashing. The Queen of the Universe would have no other reason for lowering herself to acknowledge a peasant.

Twins Turn 1

It's been a year since Angelina shat Knox and Vivenne, her second and third bio-blobs, into the world. The brood hasn't grown at all since then, which leads one to believe that either Angie's twat is tired or Brad put his foot down. My money's on the first one.

Sass

This is Angie taking Shiloh and Zahara to dance class. Why do they need to learn how to dance when they are already perfect? I don't know. Anyway, looks to me like Zahara is getting a pretty good mouthful of sass from the white blob. "Whatcho lookin' at nappy?" Can I say "nappy?" Oh fuck it. I just hope these two make Angie's life a hell.

How Can The World Still Have Problems With Angie Here?

Angelina spoke at World Refugee Day in Washington, which was apparently sponsored by the channel that airs The Dog Whisperer. They should start a new show called The Refugee Whisperer, starring Angie. Actually, Angie doesn't whisper at refugees, she just sort of looks at them all compassionate and saintly and makes their suffering go away. Someone - Brad, say - should take a picture of Angie doing that look, blow it up really huge, make a million copies and hang them all over the earth. Then no one would ever suffer again. We'd all walk around in a permanent state of Angelina-induced bliss. How come I'm the only one with any good ideas?

They Probably Said Something Bad About Her...In 1998

Angelina Jolie cheesed off Harper's Bazaar by refusing to participate in a big feature story they had planned on her. No photoshoot for the cover. No quotes for the piece. Nada. Zilch. Zippo. The magazine went ahead with the piece anyway, but had to use an old pap photo and throw together some rehashed bullshit in place of the new fawning article they would've run.

As far as I now, Angie has given no explanation for her refusal to cooperate with the magazine, but I can imagine she is holding a grudge against them for something they said about her, possibly even years ago. Angie seems to me like the kind of person who never forgets a snub. Well, frankly, that's the kind of person I am too. I burn with hatred for years, even decades after the fact. Just ask the chick who grabbed the last Easter egg in the Easter egg hunt, leaving my basket empty. It happened when I was five. I still routinely call the bitch in the middle of the night and tell her I'm going to break into her house and strangle her with piano wire.

Yes, I have a problem. Deal with it, fucko.

Thanks For Warning Us Jon

Jon Voight is on a crusade to stop Barack Obama from...I'm not sure quite what. Ruining America? Spreading socialism? Having sex with white women? Obviously, not everyone in that family is as fond of brown people as Angelina. But it's easy to see where she gets the crazy from. Voight has gone entirely off the rails; he makes Dennis Miller seem calm and reasonable.

I'm not entirely certain where Jon is going with his "false prophet" characterization of Obama. Does anyone really think of him as a prophet? He's using the kind of language that goes over well with other religious imbeciles, I guess. Jeez, this is what the right wing has going for it. Jon Voight. Rush Limbaugh. Glenn Beck. Sarah Palin. That dude from Growing Pains who thinks the second coming is right around the corner. That homophobe Miss California. Brain wizards.