Anna Nicole Smith Murder Plot

FBI records have revealed that the bureau once suspected Anna Nicole Smith of being part of a plot to kill the son of her one-time husband J. Howard Marshall. An investigation was launched but quickly dropped due to lack of evidence.

Anna Nicole supposedly wanted to kill Marshall's son Pierce because of a dispute over poor old J. Howard's fortune, which Anna believed should all be hers because she had to fuck the old wrinkled coot and no one else did.

Pierce ended up dying of an "infection" a year before Anna Nicole's own death at the hands of Howard K. Stern.

Crabbie has learned through his exclusive (totally not made up) FBI contacts that the plot involved Anna putting on a sexy Playboy bunny outfit and luring Pierce down a dark alley where he would then be beaten to death by Satan, Darth Vader and the evil brother of Santa Claus.

Unfortunately, Satan, Darth and evil brother of Santa never showed, despite Anna telling them in her dream that she would give them each eleventy-thousand dollars in fairyland coins plus enough titty-fucks to make their penises explode.

Virgie Arthur Peddling Graveside Pictures

Anna Nicole Smith's mother Virgie Arthur is attempting to sell pictures of herself grieving at the side of dead grandson Daniel's grave. Here's the truly inspired part though: the pictures haven't even been taken yet.

"She'll go to the Bahamas if you want," says an email the photo agency repping Virgie sent to Entertainment Tonight. "She would like to visit the grave, and it would make pretty emotive pics of her doing so."

Was Virgie planning on taking these pics with the giant piece of chocolate cake still clutched in her hand, or was she going to set it down first?

And we wonder how people like Anna Nicole grow up to be the fucked-up people they are. If half your genes are from a person like Virgie Arthur, you pretty much have no chance.

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Daniel Smith Was Probably Murdered

A medical examiner has told an inquest that Anna Nicole Smith's son Daniel had to have died from an "intentional" overdose of methadone - but downplayed suicide as a possible explanation.

The quantity of methadone found in Smith's body indicated the ingestion of a large dose in a short time - something Dr. Lee Hern said, during testimony, was not consistent with the usual behavior of abusers.

"It's not common for people in recreational use to take large quantities all at once," Hern said. "In my study of drug abuse patients people don't take such a quantity of pills to get high. They take one or two and if the effects are not there they may take more."

Smith, according to Hern, showed no signs of methadone tolerance, meaning he was not a heavy user of the drug, and would therefore not have needed such a large dose to achieve the desired effect.

Hern all-but-discounted the possibility that Smith knowingly took the pills. To establish suicide, Hern said the case would need proof of "self destructive statements or suicidal thoughts heard by people that were close to [Smith]." There is no such evidence.

Hern then outlined how methadone could be dissolved in a liquid to mask its taste, meaning a person could take eight tablets - the number Smith is believed to have ingested - without even knowing it.

"So what we are left with is homicide," Hern flatly stated.

Howard K. Stern flushed methadone tablets down a toilet shortly after Smith's body was discovered.

(source)

The Year In Pictures: Farewell, Anna Nicole

From March...The people who shamelessly exploited loved Anna Nicole Smith attend her tacky funeral. Anna Nicole died as she lived - on her back and full of drugs.

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Anna Nicole As We Remember Her Best - Naked And Covered In Vomit

Someone claiming to have known Anna Nicole Smith sent the above photo to the website IDon'tLikeYouInThatWay. It purports to show an obviously ill and inebriated Anna Nicole a month before her highly-publicized and deeply suspicious death in a Florida hotel. The picture's source says it was taken by Howard K. Stern with Anna Nicole's own camera. They say Anna Nicole herself saw the picture and others later and for some reason gave them to her bodyguard Big Moe for safekeeping. Supposedly, Big Moe has had these pictures leaked out to the blogs because he thinks they will help show how Anna Nicole was exploited before her death. I don't know about that - but I do know that they're helping assholes like me exploit her after her death.

(source)

What The Hell's All This Larry Birkhead/Howard K. Stern/Rita Cosby Crap?

I was only half-way paying attention to all that shit about Rita Cosby claiming Larry Birkhead and Howard K. Stern were gay lovers - then all of a sudden Larry Birkhead was on Larry King getting all up in Rita Cosby's face (with that poodle Harvey Levin sitting in for Larry), and Rita was on Bill O'Reilly making more wacky accusations, and everybody and their mother was acting like this was the story of the century or something. Now, it looks like Larry Birkhead plans on suing Rita for defamation. This might have less to do with the gay-sex allegation than some other crap Rita said about Larry and Howard being in cahoots all during the Dannielynn paternity battle - some stuff about Howard agreeing to give up the paternity fight if Larry would let him stay on as Anna Nicole's executor. All I know is that, when a fat whore's money is up for grabs, people will do some pretty sinister shit. Not that I would go as far as Rita Cosby in suggesting these guys were up to no good - I'm not a low-rent journalistic creep like Cosby, just a jolly celeb blogger with an over-active imagination. I would never, for example, suggest that Howard K. Stern killed Anna Nicole's son Daniel on purpose to get him out of the way. Nor would I suggest that Howard and Larry conspired to do away with Anna and then worked out how to split up the money. Nor would I claim that, even as we speak, Howard and Larry are holed up in some fleabag someplace taking turns fisting each other in the ass. I'm not that kind of person.

Willa Ford Had At Least $20,000

Willa Ford, the sometime-pop-star hired to play Anna Nicole Smith in a new movie, has spent $20,000 purchasing an exact replica of a bed once featured on Anna Nicole's reality show. I guess that's what they call method-acting - Willa figures it will help her become Anna Nicole if she sleeps in a bed just like Anna Nicole's. I'm thinking the 20-grand might've been better spent on acting lessons, but then what the hell do I know? Anyway, the real story here is that Willa Ford had $20,000 to spend on a bed. I had no idea whores were making that kind of money these days.

(source)

Courtney Love To Play Anna Nicole Smith

Everyone wants a piece of the Anna Nicole Smith story, and that includes moviemakers. Already it's been announced that obscure pop-singer Willa Ford is set to play Smith in an indie biopic - and now it's come out that no less a talent than Oscar-nominated toxic dump Courtney Love is being considered to tackle the role of Anna in a full-on major film.

So what does Courtney think about the chance to play the fat, mumbling Anna Nicole in a movie? Here's what a source told the Daily Star:

Courtney is flattered to be in the frame as she had a lot of respect for Anna. Courtney feels she can relate to her tragedy.

Courtney Love is "flattered" that someone wants her to play Anna Nicole Smith. She's over-the-moon with happiness that someone looked at a person who was bombed on drugs almost every hour of her life and thought, "You know who should play her? Courtney Love." Whatever. Doesn't take much to flatter Courtney I guess. Personally, I don't think she's right for this role at all. First of all, she's going in entirely the wrong direction weight-wise. If you aspire to play Anna Nicole, the last thing you want is to have some kind of gastric-band surgery and drop 50 pounds. And another thing - not that I think Anna Nicole was such a great-looking woman, but Courtney Love is a flat-out beast. I mean, have you looked at Courtney's face lately? I think someone may have taken a meat-tenderizer to it. I mean, that bitch is hideous. There ain't a make-up artist on earth who could turn that monster into something even vaguely human, much less attractive.

(source)

Father Of Anna Nicole's Baby Revealed

Anna Nicole Smith's Sister Wanted Anna Buried Next To Marilyn

The sister of Anna Nicole Smith wanted her famous sibling buried next to her idol Marilyn Monroe, and even went so far as to contact Hugh Hefner about giving up the burial plot he has reserved alongside the famed screen icon's - a request Hefner respectfully declined.

Anna Hogan reportedly contacted Hefner days after Anna Nicole's unfortunate demise at the hands of Howard K. Stern and her shady psychiatrists. Said Hefner:

The sister asked if it was possible to be buried [next to Marilyn], which I thought was out of the blue.

Yes, out of the blue - the drunken, drug-addled blue. Or did you mean Viagra-blue there Hef? Jesus, shouldn't you be a mummy by now? And would you please for the love of heaven stop frolicking with those young, brainless faux-blondes of yours on TV? If I have to see one of those bleached-out, vacant-eyed sluts one more time I swear I'm going to blow chunks.

What the hell was I talking about? Oh, Anna Nicole's sister wanting to plant the fat stupid dead bitch next to Marilyn. Well, talk about "there goes the neighborhood." Thank God Hef refused. I mean, could you imagine spending eternity next to that mumbling whore Anna Nicole? God - poor Marilyn. As if having to bed down a bunch of perverted weirdos like Joe DiMaggio and Arthur Miller wasn't enough...

(source)

Did Rejection Really Kill Anna Nicole?

The autopsy findings indicate that Anna Nicole Smith died of a drug overdose, but the real culprit behind her untimely demise may have been a crushing rejection. According to Gatecrasher's Ben Widdicome, Anna, just months before her death, had her heart set on playing her idol Marilyn Monroe in a movie about Marilyn's one-time husband Joe DiMaggio. So keen was Anna for the role that she was even willing to put up some of the money to get the movie off the ground. But, producers told Anna that she wasn't "ready" for the part, and behind the scenes, there were worries that Smith's involvement would make it hard for them to cast a big-name actor in the lead.

Now, let me get this straight - they didn't want to cast Anna because she wasn't "ready" for the part? Who in hell was ever more ready to play the role of a drug-addled sex-kitten than Anna Nicole Smith? She was born for that part. I don't care what anyone says, the producers of that DiMaggio pic have blood on their hands. As far as I'm concerned they murdered Anna Nicole - with help from Howard K. Stern of course. You know, he gave her the actual drugs, they just nudged her closer to the edge by crushing her little dream. All a bunch of freaking murderers - and none of them ever really understood her either. She had an empty hole in her soul that no substance was strong enough to fill. Even Trimspa couldn't fill it. Maybe playing Marilyn could've - and just think, what if Anna had rocked in the role? What if she had won herself an award? Maybe she would still be with us today. Woozy and incoherent, but still with us.

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Stop The Presses: Anna Nicole Had Toxic Level Of Drugs In System At Time Of Death

Dead reality star Anna Nicole Smith's system contained a toxic level of the sleeping medication choral hydrate at the time of her death, the National Enquirer and Star Magazine are jointly reporting. The tabloids also say that Anna Nicole was suffering from a bad blood infection at the same time, and would've died from that even had she not overdosed on the sleeping pills.

Smith, who died on February 8th in Miami, reportedly suffered the blood poisoning after having an unknown substance injected into her high-priced buttock and developing an abscess. Smith also allegedly developed a case of norovirus, which caused her to suffer horrible diarrhea. Unwilling to seek hospital care while in Miami in the days leading up to her death, Anna Nicole was instead treated by a private nurse who gave her over-the-counter flu medication and ice-water baths to control the fever. The day before her death, Anna Nicole was vomiting and shitting profusely, leading to dehydration, and her abscess was still growing. At some point overnight on February 7, Anna Nicole ingested the large dose of choral hydrate and never woke up.

On Monday, Broward County Medical Examiner Joshua "Freakskull" Perper is set to announce Anna Nicole's official cause of death as choral hydrate overdose, overturning the initial finding of systemic sepsis syndrome, a blood infection.

(source)

Fake Anna Nicole Pictures Weren't Fake

Last week, the National Enquirer ran pictures it claimed were "photo re-creations" of a dead Anna Nicole Smith stretched out on the slab. Now, a source close to the Enquirer has told the New York Post that, in fact, the photos were real, and the whole "re-creation" story was cooked up to keep the mortuary worker who conspired with the Enquirer's photographer from getting canned. The unnamed worker was allegedly paid a great deal of money to remove Smith's not-yet-embalmed body from a refrigerated drawer and allow the photog to snap his pics.

The thing about this story is that it doesn't really matter. It's the Enquirer - most people are going to assume the pictures are fake even if they are real. And the kind of flip-flop-wearing fat-asses who buy the magazine probably can't read anyway, so all they see are the pictures of what looks like Anna Nicole dead - no explanation would mean a damn thing to these people anyway. What's sort of odd is that the Enquirer would bother shelling out a ton of money to get real pictures in the first place, when they probably could just make fakes and get away with it. I mean, it's the same ploy one way or the other - you run the teaser on the front-page, not bothering to mention that the pictures are fake, then the reader pages to the story and you lay on them that the photos are re-creations. Seems to me you do this whether the pictures are real or not - so why not save the expense, and the potential for someone at the mortuary to get in trouble (if you really are concerned about that), and just fake them? Can it actually be more expensive to hire a decent photoshop artist than pay off some unethical mortuary employee? Maybe it is. Maybe they saved money by getting the real pictures. Still, seems like kind of a waste of good publicity - to have real pictures of Anna Nicole dead and say they're fake. But, like I said before, it's the Enquirer - no one would believe they were real anyway.

By the way, this picture of Howard K. Stern partying it up with Anna's body after the funeral? Totally real:

Anna Nicole's Funeral

Anna Nicole Smith's pink-draped coffin, behind it a picture of her dressed as Marilyn Monroe. Splash News must be the photo agency that shelled out the $15,000. What a freaking waste.

There's only one way for this story to be interesting now - if Howard K. Stern and Larry Birkhead come to blows, knocking over the coffin, and revealing that it was filled with bricks. Otherwise it's just a matter of morbid curiosity, and a way for the cable news channels to fill time until the next celeb meltdown.

Report: Anna Nicole Killed By Pneumonia

Preliminary findings indicate that Anna Nicole Smith was killed by pneumonia and not a drug overdose, the Enquirer is exclusively reporting. However, prescription drugs did probably play a role in her death - by masking the severity of the pneumonia.

This would seem to be consistent with what he'd heard about Anna Nicole's "flu-like" symptoms in the days leading up to her death. And, Anna Nicole was actually treated for pneumonia previously, shortly after the death of her son Daniel in fact.

In other news, what's that smell?

Judge Places Anna Nicole's Remains In Hands Of Dannielynn's Guardian

That stupid bastard Seidlin started crying. All the times Crabbie's gotten hauled into court, the fricking judge has never cried once...

Anna Nicole Hearing: Day 3

"Okay. First you mash up the avocado by hand, then you mix the onions, jalapeno, tomato and lime juice together in a food processor. Then you mix it with the avocado, and some sugar and sour cream. Mix it up real good. Then, and this is very important, you have to put the avocado pit into the bowl with the guacamole, otherwise it turns brown. Yes, I'm serious, it works..."

"If one more person says I look like Paul Reiser, I'm going to kill them like I killed Anna Nicole. Oh, shit. Was that out-loud?"

"So I saw this big juicy pimple on her back, and I said to her, 'Let me squeeze that pimple on your back.' So she sits down, and I'm squeezing the pimple, and the pus just squirts out of the damn thing, right in my eye. I swear to God it was the most disgusting thing..."

"Woah man. It's like, my hands are magnetically repellant. Like, even if I try pushing them together, I can't do it. Shit man, my hands will never touch each other again. How am I gonna clap dude? I'll have to slap myself on the knee like that guy with one arm. Woah, that guy was trippy man. He had these awesome mushrooms. Like, we went down into this box canyon, and it was like being inside a living thing. Like the rock was flesh. And then the one-armed guy turned into Jesus and I was like, 'Woah man, you're totally Jesus,' and he was like, 'I know. Groovy, huh?'"

Anna Nicole News - With Monkeys!

Yesterday was all full of news about Anna Nicole Smith. Now, in my capacity as a pseudo-journalist, I have an obligation to report on this stuff - even if it is the most boring load of bullshit in the history of the world. I mean, here's the story as it should be told: Anna Nicole Smith was a druggie, she died, some sleazy people are fighting over her body, money, kid, etc., THE END. But that's not good enough. Ugh - all right, let me just get this over with...

Anna Nicole News Rundown:

Howard K. Stern and Larry Birkhead appeared in court yesterday, along with Anna Nicole's mother Virgie. What the hell kind of name is Virgie? Sounds like a cute word for some kind of food product. Have a Virgie...


Boring!

Judge Larry Seidlin made Howard K. Stern spell Dannielynn's name, apparently trying to make a fool of him. Okay Howard. Now spell "douchebag." D-O-U-C-H-E-B-A-G. Ding, ding! You move on to the lightning round!


Still boring!

Larry Birkhead's lawyer Deb Opri accused Howard K. Stern of killing Anna Nicole.


Holy shit. Can she do that? What a bitch.

Howard K. Stern said Anna Nicole was "his whole world." Sort of a pitiful world there, Howard. Not really a planet, more like an asteroid. And you were an astronaut then I guess, exploring Anna Nicole? Do any spelunking Howard? Oh, I bet you did. And yodeling too - quite an echo in there. Carlsbad Caverns.


Yes, hilarious.

Howard K. Stern said Anna Nicole wanted to be buried near Marilyn Monroe. Spokespeople for Monroe said Marilyn is sick of her name coming up in the Anna Nicole story, and could people please compare Anna Nicole to someone else for awhile, Mamie Van Doren perhaps?


Leave Marilyn alone!

Howard K. Stern told the court that Anna Nicole was inordinately worried about bugs getting into her coffin after she died, and that she talked repeatedly about where she and Daniel would be buried.


Don't know what to say about that. Little sick...

Howard K. Stern's DNA was subpoenaed. Spokespeople for Howard K. Stern's DNA said blah blah blah blah blahbittity blah...



Howard K. Stern said he didn't want to marry Anna Nicole because then people would've called him a gold-digger. So he killed her and now people call him a murderer.


We're rolling now...

Howard K. Stern said Anna Nicole was upset her mom Virgie said she and Howard were responsible for Daniel's death. Ooh, and the medical examiner said Anna Nicole's body was deteriorating faster than usual and could everyone please speed it up because he was running out of those little pine-tree air fresheners...


Judge Seidlin allowed Howard K. Stern to return to the Bahamas for the night. Can I go to the Bahamas judge Seidlin?


Yay Bahamas!

Anna Nicole Case

Howard K. Stern arrives in court in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. Some b.s. is being worked out there over what will happen to Anna Nicole's body. Anna Nicole is lucky in that she no longer has to be bothered with this crap.

Speaking of Anna Nicole. Um, the video of her bombed out of her mind, while pregnant, and made-up like a crackhead clown:



Yeah - that image is now burned into my mind forever. I think it pretty much sums up Anna Nicole and the whole damn mess. And oh, by the way Anna Nicole - John Wayne Gacy just called. He thinks you're hot, and would like to invite you over for a tea-party in his crawl-space.

Anna Nicole Lightning Round

There's too much Anna Nicole stuff from the last couple of days to deal with in any depth (without my brain finally exploding; and you know how hard brain is to get out of a keyboard). So, I'm going to go lightning round:

ITEM 1:

Howard Stern heads to Bahamas, reuintes with Dannielynn.

Howard Stern sleazy; Dannielynn unlikely to grow up to be Rhodes Scholar (but then you never know).

ITEM 2:

Larry Birkhead's lawyer thinks Stern will swap out Dannielynn for his own niece, who looks a bit like Dannielynn, in some misbegotten attempt to beat the DNA test.

What exactly would that accomplish?

ITEM 3:

Anna Nicole may have acquired Bahamian permanent residency status by bedding a corrupt government official, namely this guy:

Well, they look happy anyway.

ITEM 4:

Anna Nicole may have used frozen sperm from J. Howard Marshall to conceive Dannielynn.

J. Howard Marshall was pretty old. Was he capable of still producing sperm? Was the sperm originally frozen in 1965?