No More Von Wannabe?

Evan Rachel Wood is apparently officially over Marilyn Manson. I know because she's dropped the Dita Von Wannabe act. Now she's a fake redhead instead. Next up: Vaginoplasty. That stuff needs a lot of work to get back to something resembling something a normal man would ever want to stick their peepee in. She can just let them stick it in her mouth in the meantime. That hole ain't good for nothin' else.

Theologian

Jessica Simpson has a hankering to take up theology - an idea that got planted in her head thanks to a certain well-known religion-related conspiracy theory. "I've been contemplating taking a college course in religion," Jessica told Marie Claire. "I love religion. I remember whenever the book The Da Vinci Code came out, the Discovery Channel did this three-night piece on it that I TiVoed and then watched eight times." I'd say Jess is just about in the IQ range of the typical Da Vinci Code freak - those idiots who go on those tours and get laughed at by the Frenchies. I don't know about her plan to study theology though. She might be better served taking up something that can help her career-wise in the future - like hair dressing, or dog grooming, or getting picked up in bars by ex-athletes who don't care that a bitch is a little used up as long as she has nice hooters and will let them cum in her face.

More Messed-Up Than Ever

A bug crawled onto Priscilla Presley's face and she squashed it. No wait...those are her lips! When someone wants to kiss her they tell her to unpucker...and she can't fucking do it!

She Made it to 27

Britney celebrated her 27th birthday yesterday. I really hope Britney let her hair down and had some fun, cause God knows she never gets to enjoy herself. Seriously...what the fuck difference is there for someone like Britney between their birthday and, say, Thursday? Oh, there's cake with "Happy Birthday Britney" written across it. Like she couldn't have that every day of the week if she wanted. Do these people have any perspective on reality at all? Dumb question.

Let the Meltdown Begin

Miley Cyrus has had enough of her parents interfering with her personal life and is seeking to become emancipated. The main problem between Miley and her folks is that they think it's silly for a 16-year-old twit to be dating a 20-year-old underwear model and she disagrees. Miley's argument is that being a rich celebrity has forced her to "grow up fast" and she's now ready to handle her own business. Cause we all know that living the Hollywood lifestyle breeds super-maturity. Just look at Britney Spears. Can you say 5...4...3...2...1...meltdown? Sam Lutfi is already licking his chops.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I Give You the World's Biggest Dumb-Ass

Blake Fielder-Civil got out of prison and put in rehab, but now he has to go back to prison after apparently fleeing the rehab so he could see his wife Amy Winehouse who is allegedly trying to divorce him. "I can confirm he has been recalled," said Blake's lawyer. And now the stupid bastard will have to serve out his full term, which expires in 2010. All because he couldn't keep his hands off a scraggly, peely-skinned, bug-ridden crackhead! Oh God. Keep Whitney Houston away from this guy or he might just lose his mind entirely.

Camilla Belle is a Nasty Slut

New reports say Twilight star Robert Pattinson is dating obscure actress Camilla Belle. Yes, that would be the same Camilla Belle who, five minutes ago, was fucking Joe Jonas. There were even pictures of Camilla and Joe in Mexico. There were reports that Joe had broken Taylor Swift's heart by choosing Camilla over her. And now? Camilla thinks Joe is yesterday's news and has moved on to Robert. Yeah - what a fucking headline-whore. Whichever little sub-25 hot piece of male-tail is most in the news, that's who Camilla is all over. Not that she's the first little tart to ever fuck for press run, but damn...she's taking it to a whole new slutty, shameless level. Even Mischa Barton isn't this bad.