She's Moved On To Semi-Humans

Evan Rachel Wood is no longer together with that subhuman Marilyn Manson, but has traded up for semi-human Shane West. This is progress Evan. Perhaps your next boyfriend will have the correct number of chromosomes. At least you have the good sense not to let any of these science experiments get you pregnant. Save that womb for when you at last land a Homo sapien.

She Likes Them Older And Freakier

Evan Rachel Wood was seen making out with The Wrestler co-star Mickey Rourke at a SAG Awards after-party Sunday according to FoxNews. Evidently, Evan's little relationship with Marilyn Manson left her with a jones for a real man. So she picked Mickey. Who I guess qualifies as a real man if you leave out his face, which is decidedly not real. I give Evan points for originality at least: Most little starlets go for the same dudes, Josh Hartnett and Ryan Phillippe and that whole gang, but Evan, she likes sniffing around the freak-jobs. When she's done with Mickey she'll probably go find herself a one-armed carnie or maybe go lesbo for Jocelyn Wildenstein.

Snubbed By A Fake Plastic Wench

Creepy Russell Brand tried asking Dita Von Teese out on a radio show but the "burlesque queen" was having none of it. "I will not be shagging Russell Brand," Dita said during a recent red carpet appearance. "Just because I gave him my number does not mean I’ll be going on a date with him.

"I was the subject of one of his calls once, but I didn’t answer the phone thank goodness. I just saw his name come up on the screen and thought: 'I don’t think I’m going to answer that right now.'"

Wow Russell Brand. Think about that. A woman who fucked Marilyn Manson doesn't want to fuck you. Will anyone fuck you? And don't say Sienna Miller - she doesn't count. I mean will anyone fuck you who has even the slightest hint of a standard.

Getting On With His Life

Marilyn Manson has moved on from his break-up with Evan Rachel Wood and found a new girlfriend. Nice to see Marilyn not getting hung-up on his exes. Be a shame if he allowed some past relationship to haunt him forever. I know people who've gone their whole lives attempting to recreate something they had long ago and never succeeding and they all just wind up miserable and annoying. But Marilyn's not that type. He's all about moving forward. Growing. Exploring new and exciting orifices.

No More Von Wannabe?

Evan Rachel Wood is apparently officially over Marilyn Manson. I know because she's dropped the Dita Von Wannabe act. Now she's a fake redhead instead. Next up: Vaginoplasty. That stuff needs a lot of work to get back to something resembling something a normal man would ever want to stick their peepee in. She can just let them stick it in her mouth in the meantime. That hole ain't good for nothin' else.

Make Up Your Mind, Ho

Evan Rachel Wood is clearly disturbed. A couple days ago, ho got all deranged because someone was spreading stories that she had broken up with that absurd alleged musician Marilyn Manson. "Manson and I both decided to take some time apart so we could concentrate on work," she said in a statement. So they're just taking a break from each other? Now bitch has changed her story though. "I'm always going to love him and respect him," she said - which sounds a hell of a lot more final than that other statement. As does the response she gave when asked how she was feeling:

I'm doing fine, you know, as best as can be expected.

Well, it usually takes hostages some time to get over the kidnapping. I'm sure with enough counseling Evan will be able to put her life back together, and even get over her Dita Von Teese fixation. Fingers crossed.

Denial Monkey

Dita Von Wannabe is being a denial-monkey over stories she threw Marilyn Manson out of her house for going all crazy on her slacker brother. She says she and the schlock-rocker have merely chosen to take a little vacation from each other. "Manson and I both decided to take some time apart so we could concentrate on work," Wannabe said in a statement. "Someone used that opportunity to kick us while we were down and sell a completely false story." Persecution complex much? Wannabe's statement gets more interesting:

Manson owns the house he lives in. My brother has never stayed there and the person that said such horrible things about Manson being "controlling" and "emotionally abusive" is certainly no source "close" to me. Manson has been by my side and taken care of me through the best and worst times. I love him as a person and as an artist. I will always be proud to have been a part of that.

If any more attacks are made on us, it is the act of a desperate, selfish person, who is angry to no longer be a part of my life. No further comment will be made and we request our privacy at this time.

Dear Wannabe: If you're so close to Marilyn and love him so much, how come you keep referring to him by his last name? Seems a bit impersonal to me. Also, that last paragraph makes me believe you know exactly who is responsible for putting out this story. Ex-boyfriend? Bitter family member? Your alter ego who is trying desperately to rescue you from the clutches of an emotionally backward pervert loser? Sorry hon - everyone knows you're over this guy. Except, apparently, you.

Freak Freak-Out

Evan Rachel Wood has come to her senses and kicked disgusting middle-aged arrested adolescent no-talent Marilyn Manson out of her house. Hmm...and I thought things were going swimmingly in that particular cringe-inducing relationship. No. Seems Marilyn is "controlling and abusive." Who'd a thunk? And what caused Rachel to finally see the bastard's true colors? Reportedly, things came to a head for the couple when Marilyn tried to boot Evan's slacker brother Ira out of their guest house. "Evan owned the house and didn't want her unemployed sibling living on the street," a source said. Creepy old guys will be lining up around the block to take Marilyn's place, no doubt. First up - Mickey Rourke, Evan's co-star in the movie The Wrestler.

Evan Rachel Wood is a Sad Puppet

Poor Evan Rachel Wood. She just can't get away from controlling men who want to make her over after their own jerk-off fantasies.

The top picture shows Evan in Dita Von Teese mode. Marilyn Manson, Evan's boyfriend, just can't get over losing burlesque queen Dita...and with compliant little Evan around, he doesn't have to.

The bottom picture would seem to show Evan finally liberated from the clutches of wanky men...but alas, it isn't so. Yes she may look fresh-faced and pretty (if a tad pale), but that's only because she's filming a movie for Woody Allen...and Woody is clearly trying to make her look like Scarlett Johansson.

Can't these bastards just jack-off to dirty magazines like normal pervs?

Nicky Hilton Brings the Fug

Are you sure Marilyn Manson didn't father Nicky Hilton?

Now We Know Where He Gets It From

Schlock-rocker Marilyn Manson, the only man I know of who would be tasteless and sick enough to make a chandelier out of the bones of a dead Chinese girl, now has designs on auctioning off his own mummified foreskin.

And why, you might ask, would Marilyn even have his own mummified foreskin around to offer for bidding? Because his mother kept it, of course.

Marilyn said:

It's in...a contact lens case, kind of like a shriveled up Lifesaver . If [mom] ever came here, she would wave it around. We're hoping Sotheby's one day.

That's his vaunted creep wit, I guess. Honestly, could this man be anymore repulsive? Short of washing his face, putting on a suit and becoming a Republican I mean?

(source)

Love-Birds?

This is Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood heading to catch a train in Paris. I don't know - does it look like Evan enjoys being touched by Marilyn? Looks more like she's enduring him. You don't think Evan could just be using Marilyn for the publicity do you? You know, letting him think she's his puppet when, in a weird, twisted way, it's actually the other way around?

Marilyn Manson Wanted To Kill Himself. Unfortunately, Something Stopped Him.

Crock-rocker Marilyn Manson is blubbering to anyone who'll listen about the horrible turmoil he suffered before breaking up with ex-wife Dita Von Teese. Said the ass-faced charlatan to the Observer:

Really, I haven't left my house in a year. I shut myself, literally, out of being with people . . . I didn't want to live. When you want to die, you at least have a goal. ... [Dita] didn't understand the amount of pain I went through.

Sorry Marilyn, but Dita did understand - and that's why she left. Because, contrary to what you may believe, everyone in the world isn't as consumed with your pain as you are. Dita had better things to do than watch you sit there moaning and bellyaching about how much you hurt. That isn't callous disregard for your feelings Marilyn - it's being fed-up with someone who is obviously a whining, self-absorbed little fuckhead. People like you are sickening - you spend your days spewing and blubbering about how much you hurt, then expect everyone else to always be "understanding," or in other words, pity you as much as you pity yourself. Dita did the only thing she could under the circumstances - extricate herself from a situation that she, being mature and intelligent, realized was never going to change. See Marilyn, it's like this - love isn't when someone worships you, it's when two people want to be with one other, and share the road of life (and all the bumps too). But you wanted Dita to be some kind of supplicant - you wanted her to take your silly pain as seriously as you take it, and construct her entire life around satisfying your imbecilic needs. Maybe she was willing to do that, for awhile, in hopes that you'd eventually grow the fuck up and become a real man. But she finally saw that this was never going to happen, and skedaddled. And you have no one to blame but yourself, Marilyn, for turning your entire existence into an on-going wallow in whatever mundane miseries you've experienced - miseries you've blown up to cosmic proportions, because for an egomaniac like you, every tiny insult and slight must be treated as though the very universe is quaking at it. What you suffer from isn't pain Marilyn, it's narcissism and emotional retardation. And when you talk about wanting to die, and say that at least if you're trying to die you have a goal? Yeah - you need to try harder to achieve your goals, Marilyn. Really, put your back into it next time. I know you can do it, freak.

(source)

Marilyn And Evan - Ain't Freak-Love Grand?

This is "rocker" Marilyn Manson (carrot juice is soooo hardcore) walking around in London with his ever-creepier girlfriend Evan Rachel Wood. Dang - even when she's walking around outside, Evan's got spooky lighting. What's the deal with this chick anyway? Everyone says she's trying to look like Marilyn's ex Dita Von Teese. I definitely think he's been coaching and dressing her. The '50s-ish heart sunglasses, the barrette, the pale face and red lipstick - she's like an android Lolita at this point. And Marilyn - I know you've got an "alternative" rep to keep up, but don't you think you're trying a bit too hard? Do you really need the vest with the garage sale t-shirt and Goodwill bin leather jacket?



Some people look at these two and see "cool couple." I look at them and see an old queen who's going bald, has more lipstick on than his girlfriend, and doesn't realize that people stopped giving a shit about him ten years ago. And i see a misguided young woman who thinks this "interesting" older man is showing her the world, when all he's really showing her is what it's like hanging out with a controlling, pretentious ass who's entire image is nothing but a compensatory facade he cooked up because he was too emotionally brittle to deal with being picked on as a kid. Take your self seriously much, Brian?

Dita Von Teese Doesn't Hate Marilyn Manson

Stripper Dita Von Teese says she doesn't hate silly Satanic rocker and soon-to-be-ex-husband Marilyn Manson, but also says they aren't friends. So I guess that means Marilyn won't be able to borrow her underwear anymore.

But how is Dita doing otherwise? Says the famed fetish model:

I live for adventure and experience and I'm having a really wonderful time in my life. It's a new renewal for me and a new chapter in my life and I'm excited about what happens next.

Translation: I'm a miserable neurotic who can't keep any relationship alive for very long, so I spend my life running around having "experiences" to distract me from how deeply unhappy I am.

No, I kid Dita - I'm sure she really is happy. I mean, getting away from someone like Marilyn Manson - that's got to be like having the elephant finally get the hell off your chest. She can breathe again - without inhaling sulphur fumes.

(source)

The Woman Who Really Broke Up Marilyn And Dita

We had a little fun yesterday with the idea that Lindsay Lohan was responsible for driving a wedge between stripper Dita Von Teese and her schlock-rocker snookums Marilyn Manson. Turns out, however, that Lindsay was only a peripheral figure in the whole melodrama. For once, the antics of Lohan must take a backseat, while a different, less-well-publicized starlet gets her moment in the spotlight.

You may have seen Evan Rachel Wood - she's been in a couple of movies, and was even touted for an Oscar nomination a few years ago for one called Thirteen where she played a barely-teenaged tongue-pierced delinquent sex-fiend (a total fabrication that film; everyone knows 13-year-old girls are all sweet and wholesome). Well, now Evan Rachel Wood, semi-recognizable young blonde creamy-skinned actress, has made her move into the middle ring of the three-ring circus - by going out with Marilyn Manson.

Apparently Marilyn, who looks to me like elephants trampled his face at some point in his life, is considered very attractive by some women. Near-sighted ones perhaps. Or 19-year-old ones (yes, Evan is 19) who are still going through that awkward phase where they think Satanism is incredibly sexy, and a boyfriend who wants to drink your blood is the coolest thing since Barbie's Dream House. According to reports, Wood and Manson have been friends ever since Manson asked her to appear in a film he's producing called Phantasmagoria: The Visions Of Lewis Carroll (a movie about a pedophile; that's where the red-flags would've gone up for anyone who was paying attention). Wood has also reportedly posed for a watercolor painting by Manson (he took up the hobby while in the nuthouse I guess), and was present at the opening of his Halloween art gallery (snicker), The Celebritarian Corporation Gallery of Fine Art (what do they show at a Halloween art gallery - trees with toilet paper all over them?).

And what of the jilted woman in this equation, poor old Dita Von Teese? She's reported to be "heartbroken" by the revelation of Manson's new relationship. Well of course she is. She loved Manson (for some sick twisted reason), and he went and traded her in for a younger, less-worn-out model. Dita apparently thought that a Satanic love-pact was forever, but now she's found out that even devil-worshipping donkey-faced nincompoops can get itchy for some tighter snatch (who'd a thunk?). Of course, Dita can always try and do something to win Marilyn back. Like carve his initials into her forehead with a box-cutter. That's always an impressive gesture of devotion. Or maybe she could go in and have her stuff refurbished. You know, so Marilyn's tiny little peepee won't feel like it's exploring Carlsbad Caverns.

Lindsay Lohan Broke Up Marilyn Manson And Dita Von Teese

It's a question we've all been asking for the past couple of days - what, oh what, could've broken up America's Sweethearts Marilyn Manson and Dita Von Teese? Was it really just his uncommunicativeness, or was there some other, more sinister force at work? Like Satan perhaps. You know, maybe Lucifer was jealous that Dita took his boyfriend away, and laid some kind of curse on them (an even worse one than that mug Marilyn got saddled with).

Well, it turns out that there was a sinister force at work - one more powerful even than the devil. And who or what could possibly have exerted more of an evil influence on Marilyn and Dita's relationship than the Fallen One himself? Yup, you guessed it - Lindsay Lohan.

No kids, Crabbie ain't making this one up - Lindsay Lohan is the reason Dita Von Teese walked out on Marilyn Manson. At least according to one of Dita's friends, who spoke about the subject to the Sun:

"[Dita] just had enough of [Marilyn's] wild partying," says the friend. "Lindsay Lohan was ringing up the house wanting to come round and party with him. The phone would go all through the night, with people constantly turning up to hang out. Dita wants a quieter life and to have a baby. She told Manson to sort himself out or she was leaving. ... Unfortunately, nothing changed and he didn't clean up his act."

Lindsay Lohan ringing your house at all hours wanting to party - now that's some scary shit. Gonna take some strong voodoo to keep that evil spirit from breaking up your happy home. Maybe Dita should've called Paris Hilton and asked to use one of her spells. Like the one that makes Lindsay fall down and break parts of her anatomy, or the one that causes her to have asthma attacks, or the new one that inflames her appendix.

Of course, even if you get rid of the evil Lindsay, you're still married to Marilyn Manson, who is a complete over-the-rainbow freak. And a paranoid drug-addict, according to Dita's friend:

"[Manson] became paranoid as a result of the drugs he was taking. At one stage he thought the cleaner was trying to kill him."

No Marilyn, the cleaner's not trying to kill you. The mailman, however...

Dita Von Teese And Marilyn Manson To End Their Unholy Union

The marriage between "burlesque queen" Dita Von Teese and shock-rocker Marilyn Manson would appear to be over. At least, Dita thinks it is. Cause she's serving him with divorce papers today. Which would be one indication that things probably aren't going so hot.

And what, pray-tell, could come between such a loving couple as Dita and Marilyn? Did she catch Marilyn canoodling with Beelzebub again? Did Marilyn get sick of her forgetting to lube the strap-on when she gave it to him in the pasty white ass? Actually, it was nothing so interesting. Dita, it turns out, just got sick of Marilyn not paying attention to her.

"He's not been responsive," a source told Page 6. "She loved him so much, but he has too many demons. He can't even communicate with her at this point. She tried to tell him she was divorcing him, but she can't even get him on the phone. She moved out of the house and he hasn't even noticed."

Too many demons. She didn't mean that literally, right? Like, Marilyn's got too many pet demons and they keep pissing on the couch and setting it on fire. "I told that Marilyn, the demons go or I do." All I can say, Dita, is no one can come between a man and his demons. Especially when they've hypnotized him with their magic demon eyes.

By the way, that picture - that is not an image of two of the world's vaster intellects. If Manson's stare were any more vacant he'd be an Olsen twin. And Dita...let's just say Dita ain't gonna be applying for a Mensa membership any time soon. And seriously, what's with the Halloween get-ups? I know, the whole gothy, alternative-lifestyle, tattoos-and-pierced-genitalia thing. Great. Fine. But honestly - these idiots don't expect us to take them seriously when they dress like that do they? It's like, "Ooh, I'm so dark and mysterious, so I paint my face all white and dress like Dracula's wet-dream." Please, Marilyn. You're nothing but an arrested adolescent with an elaborate compensatory facade. Underneath all that crap you're just a fourteen-year-old wanking to a picture of Morticia Addams and listening to Alice Cooper records. Grow up and get a clue. And Dita - you appear to be a very attractive woman. Why the hell would you marry a horse-faced closet-homo freak like Manson? Are you that near-sighted? Or are you another one of these vapid bitches who buy into the whole "dangerous man" persona that losers like Manson affect? Don't you know the whole thing's just an act meant to keep us from seeing that the stupid bastard is emotionally bruised from too many wedgies in high school? He's not dark and mysterious and strangely sensitive Dita - he's a brainless pervert who makes crappy music and probably harbors a secret fascination with one or more of the members of N'Sync. Jesus, is Crabbie the only one who sees through these preposterous poseur lamewads?

Oh God. I think Marilyn Manson just put a curse on me. I feel this strange pressure in my bowels.

Oh, wait. That's just the laxative kicking in. Never mind.