Mary-Kate's Womb Baby-Free

Mary-Kate Olsen made certain to smoke and drink a lot during a recent visit to an art exhibition, just so everyone would know she isn't pregnant. How many abortions was this for Mary-Kate I wonder? I'm guessing she's in double-digits by now. Could be up to 20.

She Thinks You're Idiots

Jennifer Aniston finds the public fascination with her life sickening and thinks her adoring fans are nothing but a bunch of morons. "I think it's ridiculous. There's just this insatiable need," Jen told USA Today. "I am honestly getting sick of it, and I feel like telling people, 'You know what? It's none of your fucking business.' Seriously, it's enough. It's like we're appealing to the lowest..." So there you have it. All you people who watch her every move and fawn over her and defend her - she hates you and thinks you are pathetic and disgusting. What do you think of her now? Still wanna stick up for her pitiful no-kid-having ass? Didn't think so.

Kristen Stewart Is Pothead Pretty

In this girl's defence - if I were as obviously not into the red carpet crap as she is and still had to go around acting like I wanted to be there, I would probably be baked 24/7 as well. It's either smoke or breakdown and this girl has chosen smoke and I applaud her for that.

No One Wants Heath's Death-Pad

No one wanted to pay $26,000/month to live in the SoHo apartment where Heath Ledger overdosed on Mary-Kate Olsen's pills and now the pad has been taken off the market. Even though they were willing to throw in water, heat and a paper certifying the tenant as the most morbid bastard on the face of the earth.

High-Price Holie

Angelina Jolie has supplanted Reese Witherspoon as the highest-paid actress in the world with her $15 million/per movie price tag. Well, I think that's only fair. Reese has only her own kids to think about - Angie has an entire day-care center that she drags around with her. Maintaining an image as the most caring individual in human history is not cheap. Just try it some time.

Getting On With His Life

Marilyn Manson has moved on from his break-up with Evan Rachel Wood and found a new girlfriend. Nice to see Marilyn not getting hung-up on his exes. Be a shame if he allowed some past relationship to haunt him forever. I know people who've gone their whole lives attempting to recreate something they had long ago and never succeeding and they all just wind up miserable and annoying. But Marilyn's not that type. He's all about moving forward. Growing. Exploring new and exciting orifices.

Mayer Yaps

So apparently Jennifer Aniston went on Oprah and talked about some cake she made for an Obama election night party? Missed that. Anyways, John Mayer tried to make a funny out of the cake the other night on the red carpet for that Grammy nomination fiasco, and it turned out like most of Mayer's funnies - not funny. Mayer's cake-riff:

Jen and I made that cake together... She didn't really give me any credit for that cake. I was the architect on that cake. I put a lot of my time in designing that cake. I was a good man... I shared the process. From mixing to frosting... she took all the credit.

Put the Borat bathing suit on again Mayer - that was funny. Actually no, it was gross. And while we're on the subject of cakes - you people haven't lived until you've had a special Crabbie cake, topped with Crabbie's special homemade frosting. I'll let you guess what's in the frosting. Need a hint? If some of it got in Aniston she might actually have a kid. If she paid me a couple grand I'd be happy to mix her up a batch.