Not A Happy Woman

Does this look like a happy woman to you? One who's pleased with the direction her life is going? One who's glad to finally have that stinking no-good cheating pot-smoking immature dipshit husband out of her hair? She's dragging her own recyclables down the driveway! Where did the minions go? She's disintegrating before our eyes, and you fuckers are probably happy about it.

Another Good Way To Get Yourself In Trouble

Radu Mazare, the mayor of Constanta, Romania, is in the middle of a shitstorm after dressing up as a Nazi and goose-stepping around on stage at a fashion show.

The offending performance took place at a resort on the Black Sea, and also included Mazare's 15-year-old son. Watchdog groups have already gotten an apology out of Mazare, who claims he didn't notice the swastika on the uniform.

This may sound like just a run-of-the-mill act of political incorrectness, but in fact, in Romania it is illegal to display a swastika, and if convicted of such a crime, Mazare could face three years in jail.

Hilariously, Mazare claims he was inspired to wear the uniform by Tom Cruise's performance as Claus von Stauffenberg in Valkyrie. Yet another example of why it's a very bad idea to imitate Tom Cruise.

The Blind Hanging With The Blind

Oh no Jon Gosselin...why are you hanging out with Michael Lohan? Fuck man, don't borrow him any money. Or let him near any woman you're fucking. Or listen to anything he says. You thought Kate was a bloodsucker, but you ain't seen nothing till you've spent five minutes within range of a Lohan.

(He's not buttering up Michael to try and get a shot at Lindsay is he? After Hailey Glassman, Lindsay would seem the next logical step up the disgusting skanky party girl ladder.)

Fake Bump

Jennifer Lopez is not pregnant again, but is sporting a fake bump for a movie she's shooting. Yeah, I know - Jennifer Lopez still thinks she has an acting career. Crazy, right? Like Jennifer Aniston still thinking she has a shot at happiness. Like Zac Efron thinking he can continue passing himself off as a heterosexual. Like me thinking anyone reads this blog.

Rupert Everett Hates Everyone (Especially Himself, I'm Guessing)

Rupert Everett has gone off on another of his crazy rants, attacking everyone from Michael Jackson to Barack Obama to America to...Gwyneth Paltrow?

Oh, I love it when he's off his meds. Here's Rupert on why Michael Jackson is better off being dead:

He was a freak. He looked like a character from Shrek. He was a black to white minstrel. He was crucified by that court case when he was accused of child molestation - that killed him.

[Jackson] personified the pain and anxiety of a black man in a slave country. We all watched as he changed from black to white. He was living performance art. I think it was fortuitous that he died.

He does know that slavery was abolished, right? Oh, who cares. Here's Rupert on Barack:

We're living in very strange times.

We have Michael Jackson, a black man who has gone white, and we have President Barack Obama, who is a half-white man gone black. It's absolutely fascinating to watch.

And here's Rupert on why he hates America:

Straight [after 9/11], this cruel and nasty city [of New York] was hit with a sudden wave of compassion. Everyone looked out for everyone. I thought that could be the beginning of something amazing.

It felt like it was a new beginning but then the rain started and President Bush came in and began the war. The whole country just changed and became completely alien to me. We came to America as kids because England was stuffy and constipated. The U.S. used to be a breath of fresh air but Bush changed all that.

[America] is a weird place now. ... cartoons are more realistic than real-life. Family Guy, The Simpsons and Shrek are much more believable than action films. People react to cartoons rather than life. That is a tragedy.

Yeah, yeah...but what about Gwyneth?

If I had the choice of being on a desert island with Jordan [aka Katie Price] or Gwyneth Paltrow, I would choose Jordan.

With Jordan you get the truth. She's treated like a quasi-hooker, whereas Gwyneth is seen as the patron saint of good living. Which one has more integrity? I would much rather have Jordan any day.

Well, you only want to hang out with Jordan for the skin care tips, but whatever. Anyone who hates Gwyneth Paltrow is okay in my book.

Who's The Ho Next To The Other Hos?

Yeah, Jon Gosselin is still hanging out with Michael Lohan. They've been going to Bible class together. This is a special Bible class held in a strip club. The strippers queef the verses. It's really beautiful.

I don't know who I feel sorrier for, Michael for hanging out with Gosselin or Gosselin for hanging out with Michael. Actually, I feel most sorry for the blonde girl. I don't know who she is, but, if she's fucking Michael Lohan, she must be the saddest, most clueless bitch in the world not named Sarah Palin.

Horny Frog

The French celebrated Bastille Day on the 14th (I would've celebrated too but I forgot it was Bastille Day, plus I don't do silly foreign holidays except Jerk Off a Kangaroo Day). All the usual ceremonies were performed, including the one where the President strokes his wife's ass in front of a dude with some laundry on his head. Then came the fireworks, and then everyone went looking for Americans to spit on.

You really can't blame old Nick, though. She is pretty hot.