Rupert Everett Hates Everyone (Especially Himself, I'm Guessing)

Rupert Everett has gone off on another of his crazy rants, attacking everyone from Michael Jackson to Barack Obama to America to...Gwyneth Paltrow?

Oh, I love it when he's off his meds. Here's Rupert on why Michael Jackson is better off being dead:

He was a freak. He looked like a character from Shrek. He was a black to white minstrel. He was crucified by that court case when he was accused of child molestation - that killed him.

[Jackson] personified the pain and anxiety of a black man in a slave country. We all watched as he changed from black to white. He was living performance art. I think it was fortuitous that he died.

He does know that slavery was abolished, right? Oh, who cares. Here's Rupert on Barack:

We're living in very strange times.

We have Michael Jackson, a black man who has gone white, and we have President Barack Obama, who is a half-white man gone black. It's absolutely fascinating to watch.

And here's Rupert on why he hates America:

Straight [after 9/11], this cruel and nasty city [of New York] was hit with a sudden wave of compassion. Everyone looked out for everyone. I thought that could be the beginning of something amazing.

It felt like it was a new beginning but then the rain started and President Bush came in and began the war. The whole country just changed and became completely alien to me. We came to America as kids because England was stuffy and constipated. The U.S. used to be a breath of fresh air but Bush changed all that.

[America] is a weird place now. ... cartoons are more realistic than real-life. Family Guy, The Simpsons and Shrek are much more believable than action films. People react to cartoons rather than life. That is a tragedy.

Yeah, yeah...but what about Gwyneth?

If I had the choice of being on a desert island with Jordan [aka Katie Price] or Gwyneth Paltrow, I would choose Jordan.

With Jordan you get the truth. She's treated like a quasi-hooker, whereas Gwyneth is seen as the patron saint of good living. Which one has more integrity? I would much rather have Jordan any day.

Well, you only want to hang out with Jordan for the skin care tips, but whatever. Anyone who hates Gwyneth Paltrow is okay in my book.

Oh Christ

My hatred for Gwyneth Paltrow grows more powerful with each passing day. Soon it will consume me...but it will make such a lovely flame.

By the way, if anyone tries that recipe - tell me if it's any good, 'kay?

Paltrow To Play Kidman's Wife

Gwyneth Paltrow is putting her quest to become the next Martha Stewart on hold long enough to portray the wife of post-op transsexual Nicole Kidman in Tomas Alfredson's The Danish Girl.

Yes, Nicole Kidman as a tranny (typecasting if I ever saw it) and Gwyneth Paltrow as his/her wife. Charlize Theron was originally going to play the wife, but she must've realized that playing anything opposite Kidman as a tranny had second-fiddle written all over it.

Paltrow, on the other hand, doesn't mind playing second-fiddle to Nicole Kidman. Or fourth-fiddle to Robert Downey, Mickey Rourke and Scarlett Johansson as she will be doing in Iron Man 2.

One thing's for sure: when Gwyneth shows up on the set, she will have a clean colon.

Random Celebrity Convergence: McCartney And Gwyneth

Gwyneth would be great for McCartney. You know how he likes those skinny, veggie-fart-reeking, cause-supporting insufferable bitches. If he paid her enough, you think she'd consent to having her leg hacked off? Then she'd be perfect.

Shoulda Seen This Coming

Gwyneth Paltrow's foray into know-it-all twattery via her website GOOP is not merely a passing fancy, but is in fact part of a larger scheme to transform the Oscar winner into the second coming of Martha Stewart.

"Her plan is to stay visible in the occasional film, but to create products for real women," reported a Paltrow confidante. "She is working on new products for her own beauty line under Estee Lauder and looking at different products for moms at home that she can tie to her website, GOOP."

Why give it away for free when you can make some dough on it, right Gwyneth?

She may hate America, but she sure loves good old-fashioned American capitalism.

Think This Learned Him?

This is what's left of George Michael's Range Rover after he got bombed on some of the good stuff and had a head-on with a truck. I'm sure George has discovered a new appreciation for life after this harrowing experience and will endeavor to get his sorry existence on track. Yeah, I chuckled too. Fucker loves his drugs too much. He'll die horribly, probably taking several people with him. If you must pray, pray that the other vehicle is carrying Lily Allen, Keira Knightley, Sienna Miller, Gwyneth Paltrow and Avril Lavigne.

Flattering

I remember this dress from Star Trek. It was on some green chick with antennae who Captain Kirk ended up fucking. It looked like shit on her too, but at least she had an excuse: she was a green chick on Star Trek.

Gwyneth's liquid detox program appears to have sucked all the humanity out of her face. There wasn't much left to suck, though, was there?

Her Pee Smells Like Grapefruit

Gwyneth Paltrow has released another of her insufferable GOOP newsletters, this one detailing the three week juice diet she recently put herself on as a way of making herself even more obnoxious than before.

"As I write this, I am finishing the amazing three-week-long “Clean” detox program detailed below," Paltrow writes. "Designed by New York cardiologist and detoxification specialist Dr. Alejandro Junger, this program allowed me to work and exercise regularly, something I cannot do if I am on a liquid-only detox.

"I followed it to the letter and I can report that it worked wonders. I feel pure and happy and much lighter (I dropped the extra pounds that I had gained during a majorly fun and delicious “relax and enjoy life phase” about a month ago). I also really enjoyed learning about the incredible health benefits of resting your digestive system, etc. This thing is amazing."

And how much did this shady-sounding Junger clown pay you to write this Gwyneth? Oh, that's right, you're too pure and good to take money in exchange for a "newsletter" that's actually an endorsement. What a fraud.

How Do You Say "Stuck-Up Twat" In Spanish?

Gwyneth Paltrow has discovered another country that's better than America: Spain.

"It is so different from the United States," Gwyneth says of the country she calls her "second home." "It seemed to have a history, and the buildings are years and years and years old. Here in the United States an old building is about 17 [years old], and over there it's from 500 B.C., it's incredible.

"Also, the way people live over there. They seem to enjoy life a little bit more. They aren't running around as much as in New York. They enjoy time with the family. They don't always have their BlackBerry on."

No, this is not the first time Gwyneth has declared an adopted home superior to the US. She also said the same shit about England once. English people, she informed us, are better conversationalists than Americans, and care more about babies and kittens.

I used to think Gwyneth was being a jerk with these observations about other countries, but now I realize that it's just tough love. Gwyneth actually wants America to be more like England and Spain and these other places where people really know how to live - that's why she writes GOOP; so Americans can learn the right way of making a vegan sandwich, just like they do in the places in the world where people aren't all smelly ruffians.

There are, as we all know, no ruffians in England or Spain. No soccer hooligans. No bloodthirsty bull fighting freaks. No drunks or rapists or suicidal Michael Jackson fans. Everyone there is very refined and tasteful and aware of the glories of life. Just like Gwyneth.

9 1/2 Weeks Was A Long Time Ago

The first picture of Mickey Rourke as bad guy Whiplash in Iron Man 2. Watching former wash-outs Rourke and Robert Downey, Jr. have at it in this movie should be amusing. Unfortunately, in order to enjoy this clash of the erstwhile junkie titans, we will have to endure both Gwyneth Paltrow and Scarlett Johansson. What, Maggie Gyllenhaal wasn't available?

Gwyneth Paltrow's Legs Make Their Own Gravy

A lot of people have been wondering what was up with Gwyneth Paltrow's legs last night on The Tonight Show. Well, isn't it obvious? Gwyneth is half-slug. I'm not sure what the other half is. Maybe pond-scum.

(Is there anything more insufferable than Hollywood twats going on and on about their special kids? Oh, your boy likes poetry and music. Is he enrolled at the Sorbonne yet? Everyone just hand their kids over to Gwyneth to raise. All humanity's problems would be solved.)

You Know Where You Can Stick It Pal

Crappy singer-songwriter Jason Mraz is on a crusade to save the environment. Funny that I would use the word "crappy" to describe him, since a central element of this crusade touches on the subject of crap, and more precisely, what we wasteful Americans use for wiping that particular material from our hairy assholes. Yes, toilet paper. That's what Jason Mraz aka the male Gwyneth Paltrow is concerned about. He posted on his MySpace blog:

Deep Shit

Recent News from our friends at the Natural Resource Defense Council (The NRDC) say that Americans’ addiction to two-ply, super soft toilet paper is causing greater harm to our environment than our gas guzzling cars. No shit.

How is that so?

In order to produce all that perfectly plush paper, companies must harvest tons of virgin trees, which the reaping of means less oxygen for the atmosphere to offset or all the carbon that seems to be frying us here on the surface.

So our asses are in trouble.

The US is the country that consumes the most forests specifically to fulfill the demand of Charmen Assficiandos far and wide. If you travel abroad, you may find discomfort in the thin one-ply offered up pretty much everywhere else. But that’s because most other countries are more careful about their resourceful trees and/or use recycled and post-consumer paper in the manufacturing of toilet tissue. Click here to learn what post-consumer means.

I remember visiting India and being astounded to find there wasn’t any paper. Talk about saving trees and not clogging the septic! Instead, there was a water hose next to the toilet and it was recommend you use your hand (which is why you always shake hands and eat meals with your right (and only your right).)

So let me get this straight: this cocksucker is suggesting I take my cues from India, the filthiest country on earth not named France, and use a hose and my hand to clear the excess from my ass rather than wipe with Charmin? Because it's killing trees? Is this guy fucking serious?

Dear Jason Mraz: Get the fuck out of my face. What I wipe with is my own business. I will use fifteen-ply butt-scrubbers made from the entrails of endangered African rhinos if I choose. This is America bucko, the most wonderful, civilized nation on earth - and we didn't get that way by hosing out our assholes or using shitty one-ply foreign paper. Have you even read the fucking Declaration of Independence numbnuts? It's right there in the second paragraph:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of soft, soft wood-pulp-based products with which to caress the inner-most reaches of that orifice which God in His infinite wisdom made the most special and wondrous place in all the earth and heaven.

Does Jason Mraz think he knows better than the Founding Fathers? Does he think he can throw his idiot conservationist bullshit up in the face of hundreds of years of American ass-wiping tradition? Does he think I'm going to start wiping my ass with leaves or buying rags I then have to wash instead of just flush down the toilet and not think about anymore? Fuck him and his granola-sucking ways. And fuck Ed Begley, Jr. and Al Gore and all the rest of them. I'm an American, and as such, it is my right to fuck up the earth as much as I please. And have a nice, fresh, clean, silky-smooth asshole.

Gwyneth Paltrow Has Pretentious Friends

Gwyneth Paltrow thinks we care what her friends' favorite books are and has posted their lists on GOOP. I think you can already guess what's on there. No Danielle Steele. Lots of high-falutin' shit of the sort no one actually reads but they pretend to so people will be impressed by them. The Poisonwood Bible? Fuck you and fuck Barbara Kingsolver that commie bitch. When I see that thing at a garage sale I buy it just so I can piss on it. Madonna's faves are on there too: One of them is The Bad Girl by Mario Vargas Llosa. Cause Madonna's such a bad girl, you know. Gosh I'm so jealous I can't be a literate, worldly woman who is friends with Gwyneth Paltrow. She probably makes little sandwiches out of the parts of fish you're not meant to eat and then everyone sits around discussing books and waiting for someone to go to the bathroom so they can talk shit about them behind their back. "Her ass is getting huuuuuuuge."

Sure Honey...It's By Choice

Gwyneth Paltrow's movie career is pretty much in the toilet but you won't find the former Oscar winner admitting it. Instead Gwynnie, who has reached new heights of insufferableness with her patronizing website Goop.com, is finessing the whole circling-the-drain thing by pretending she's taking time off to be with her kids. "I haven't starred in a film since my kids were born, and I don't think I will," bitch told Gotham magazine. "I'll never get these days back ... I don't want to miss them." Well Gwyn, I asked your kids about it, and they said they wouldn't mind you going back to work. In fact, they asked me to tell you to please please pretty please with sugar on top and a big red cherry go the fuck back to work you unbearable shitstain of a human being. And give the website a rest. The peasants have been making their own Thanksgiving dinners for centuries and don't need your advice. This is your kids saying this Gwyn. Not me.

Goop This, Bitch

Gwyneth Paltrow's GOOP endeavor has earned her plenty of ripping from people all over the internet including me, but Gwyneth says she doesn't give a crap about the dissing and thinks the spreaders of negativity are all just messed up inside. As she said it to USA Today:

Q: When actors or artists do something different, they open themselves up to criticism. How would you respond to the people who are critical of your latest endeavor?

A: I think part of the problem is people get a hit of energy when they are negative about something, and it is a very detrimental way for them to get that hit of energy. They do not understand why they do not have a happy life. That kind of stuff is just noise to me. I just feel sorry for them.

Dear Gwyneth...First of all honeybunch, I know exactly why I have an unhappy life, so can the high-and-mighty bullshit. Second of all...people who feel this overwhelming need to give advice are really not doing it because they want to be helpful - they're doing it because they think they know everything and want to demonstrate this vast wisdom and knowledge to everyone else. Why do you think I give lectures like this? Because I give a shit about you? No. It's because I'm full of myself. Difference between me and you is that I'm big enough to admit it. So, please dear, stop trying to portray yourself as someone who is utterly pure of motive because you're not. You are a smug asshole twat and your site is a patronizing load of self-indulgent bullshit. Now would you kindly crawl the rest of the way up your own ass and suffocate you twerp whore. P.S. Chris Martin is a closet fag and Apple is the dumbest name ever for a kid and I hope you get cunt-cancer and die.

Boob Goop

Gwyneth Paltrow may have finally had something done about those pitiful boobies of hers. People who study such things - in other words perverts - have been looking closely at recent pictures of Gwynnie and they say she has had some augmentation. "She didn't use to have anything up top," one creep said. "Now she does, and they are perky." Well I'm gonna take this guy's word for it. Looking at Paltrow for longer than three seconds makes me want to goop on myself. From multiple orifices.

Wrong Approach

Gatecrashers says Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are on the verge of a break-up and are currently "holed up" in their London home trying to fix it. No...wrong guys. If you want to fix your marriage, the last thing you should do is hole up anywhere together. People break up because they can no longer stand the sight, smell and sound of each other...so the solution surely isn't to spend even more time in each other's presence. Right? Very silly. And kind of surprising considering Gwyneth's status as the wisest and most knowing person in the history of the world.

Ooh...SMOKing...

Gwyneth Paltrow talked to Gotham magazine about growing up in New York. Listing her favorite things about her childhood, Paltrow said:

Underage smoking on stoops of brownstones, going to museums, the seasons, and how great a school Spence was.

Yes, Gwyneth was a rebel - she used to sneak cigs on stoops when she was 15. But she was one of those arty rebels who liked museums. She knew she was destined for something better than what all the other girls longed for - those horrid, predictable dreams of marrying handsome squares or becoming high-class call girls who throw themselves out of windows in fits of boredom.

Choke On A Turkey Bone And Die, Bitch

Gwyneth Paltrow is the only being on earth wise and experienced enough to handle preparations for Thanksgiving dinner. Thankfully, Gwyneth is not shy about bestowing her vast knowledge on all us mindless peasants who can't even get the turkey out of the plastic and are utterly baffled at the concept of dressing. A sampling of Gwyneth's Turkey Day insight via her site Goop.com:

Turkey will always be the main event of Thanksgiving (at least in my house) and a whole turkey is the way to go if you’re feeding at least 12. But if your party is smaller, the stuffed turkey breast turns out to be a great halfway point. Brining it overnight insures that you don’t need to baste it and it has a quick cooking time. Why should things be any less festive if dinner is just for two? I came up with these stuffed turkey burgers which were a giant hit in my house. They are the perfect solution for anyone who isn’t feeding a big group (or for a big group that wants to try something different!).

I came up with an idea too Gwyneth - if you really want to get into the Thanksgiving spirit, you and everyone in your pathetic, fucked up family should get really wasted, dress up like Indians, go to Gwyneth Paltrow's house, grab her scrawny ass and drag her into the street and beat her with sticks until she is nothing but an unrecognizable carcass! And then you can all take turns fucking what remains of the corpse! Then stuff it and eat it! Yummy yummy cum-filled Thanksgiving Gwyneth Paltrow! And don't forget to chop Chris Martin into little bits and make a pie out of his no-talent Radiohead-ripping-off ass! Happy Thanksgiving fuckfaces!

Leaves Of Ass

Coldplay brought their special brand of watered-down crappy music to the American Music Awards. I don't know what the leaves have to do with anything. Maybe they symbolize the audience's desire to make like a tree and leave. Maybe if I listened to the song I would understand. I wonder if Chris Martin pays attention to Gwyneth at home or just tunes her out like the rest of the world does?