Fake Bump

Jennifer Lopez is not pregnant again, but is sporting a fake bump for a movie she's shooting. Yeah, I know - Jennifer Lopez still thinks she has an acting career. Crazy, right? Like Jennifer Aniston still thinking she has a shot at happiness. Like Zac Efron thinking he can continue passing himself off as a heterosexual. Like me thinking anyone reads this blog.

Charade

Kanye West wants everyone to know that Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez's relationship is a sham. Or, no wait, I did that wrong. It should've been:

KANYE WEST WANTS EVERYONE TO KNOW THAT MARC ANTHONY AND JENNIFER LOPEZ'S RELATIONSHIP IS A SHAM AND GEORGE BUSH HATES BLACK PEOPLE AND TAYLOR SWIFT I'M SO SORRY I RUINED YOUR NIGHT GIRL BUT LET'S FACE IT YOU ARE AN UNTALENTED TWAT AND IF YOU WEREN'T PRETTY AND WHITE YOU WOULD BE WORKING AT JACK-IN-THE-BOX SPEAKING OF WHICH I COULD SURE USE A TASTY BURGER COOKED AND SERVED BY BLACK PEOPLE.

K-Ho

Kim Kardashian is trying to turn herself into Jennifer Lopez. Unfortunately, there's more to J-Lo than just the ass. Believe it or not, Lopez actually possesses a modicum of talent. She doesn't really use it for anything nowadays, but anyone who saw Blood & Wine or Out of Sight knows it's there.

I guess being a no-talent knock-off of J-Lo is enough for Kim. Otherwise she'd at least take singing and acting lessons. But why bother when you can get by as a reality TV/sex tape whore? The standards for fame keep dropping.

I'm 40, Look At My Ass

Jennifer Lopez wants us all to know that, even though she's 40, she still possesses the ass that made her famous. "Get a picture of that muchachos. That fucker's worth millions." Fame is meaningless.

Still Trying

Aw, she's holding the ice cream cone and he's eating it. Ain't it cute? But why does she look pissed? And why do I suspect there's someone pointing a gun at him from just out of the frame? "Just eat the fucking ice cream. And this time look like you love me."

I'm So Relieved

Jennifer Lopez denies rampant reports that she is about to send Marc Anthony packing. "Every time I'm not wearing my ring, people think I'm getting divorced," Lopez said. "Divorce is not, and never was, an option." I believe her. If she wants to get rid of this guy she'll just have him murdered or put him in a coma like she was Claus Von Bulow. If I were him I'd make a break for it. Fake my death and run to Argentina or something. Eh, who am I kidding...she'd find him anyway. There's nowhere for him to hide. Sorry dude...I tried.

Break Up Already

Everyone keeps saying Mark Anthony and Jennifer Lopez are on the rocks but there the two of them are still going through the motions at least. Oh, I love the purple priest outfit. It's the hot thing among child-touching hypocrites this season.

Dear Charo...

I guess we won't be needing you anymore. Jennifer Lopez has it covered. So you may begin decomposing now. Godspeed Charo.

No J-Ho

Eva Mendes does not appreciate people comparing her to Jennifer Lopez. "I would like to think I will have a more serious career than J-Lo," Mendes says. "We may both be of Latin origin but that’s where the comparisons stop.

"She manages her career like the head of a big corporation, whereas the only thing I care about is becoming the best actress possible."

Sure Eva. You're not the least bit jealous of J-Lo and all the media attention she gets and the moneymaking machines she's turned most of her endeavors into. You're a "serious actress" who doesn't go in for all that corporate bullshit. Please. Obviously, you just lack Lopez's savvy and ambition. Otherwise you'd be a big star like her.

What a Girl

Brad Pitt has a beauty regimen that would put even Jennifer Lopez to shame. The Enquirer says Pitt, "steams his face twice a week, meticulously clips his goatee daily and plucks his own eyebrows." He "goes through an intense ritual of cleansing, exfoliating and toning his face with all sorts of balms and creams…One a week, [he] lubes up his hands and feet with olive oil-based creams to keep his skin supple and wrinkle-free. He even wears gloves and socks to bed to make sure the cream works while he’s sleeping." The article claims Brad takes an hour every night getting ready for bed, which drives Angelina nuts because she herself only brushes her teeth and washes the crust off her face. This story does not shock me one bit and yes I believe every effing word of it.

Tragedy Averted (Alas)

Jennifer Lopez had a harder time finishing that triathlon than her publicity people want us to believe. Reportedly, J-Ho was just about done with the swimming section when a riptide or something she had for lunch started dragging her under...and bitch almost drowned! Yeah, but then her heroic trainer pulled her sorry ass back up. What a story that would've been, huh? Jennifer Lopez Survives Diddy, Dies Like Confused Sea Lion. I guess God wasn't feeling frisky enough this weekend.

Investigate This Now

There needs to be an investigation into Jennifer Lopez's alleged completion of a triathlon in Malibu. She says she finished it in 2 1/2 hours but I'm sort of doubting it. I'm thinking she swapped herself out for a lookalike for most of it, then popped back in Rosie Ruiz-style right at the end. There must be videotape of this. FBI analysts should be brought in to look closely at this evidence and determine whether J-Ho is a true triathlete or just a publicity-grubbing phony. I think we already know the answer to that one.

Most Worthless

Nicole Kidman has been named the most overpaid Hollywood star by Forbes magazine. The rag says Kidman's films made only $1 for every dollar the actress was paid, with her disastrous horror movie The Invasion actually losing $2.68 for every dollar of the $17 million she was given to appear. The eternally pregnant Jennifer Garner finished second on the list, with an average of $3.60 made for every dollar she was compensated. Tom Cruise finished 3rd, largely thanks to the bomb Lions for Lambs. The remainder of the top 10:

4. Cameron Diaz
5. Jennifer Lopez
6. Jim Carrey
7. Nicolas Cage
8. Drew Barrymore
9. Will Ferrell
10. Cate Blanchett

Easy Access

How thoughtful of J-Ho to wear a little ladder so her tiny slaves can climb up and re-apply her make-up and do maintenance on her hair. It was a bitch for them having to rappel down from the ceiling all the time. They may be from another planet but that doesn't mean they shouldn't be treated with respect.

Satan Twins

When did Posh and J-Ho become bestest buddies? These asses are supposed to do press releases when they start hanging out with each other so we can get our insults ready. Now I have to come up with something on the fly. Um...er...oh fuck, I've used them all. Two heinous bitches who think the world revolves around their twats. I'm surprised they can both occupy the same room given how huge their egos are. J-Ho is probably only using Posh to get in good with Tom and Katie. She wants to trade up from Leah Remini, Scientology-buddy-wise.

Frozen Like That

Remember when they used to have Christmas Specials? God, what a horrible thing to even remember. Thank goodness they put those things out to pasture. Otherwise J-Ho would've done one by now, and it would've looked just like that picture. A Very J-Ho Christmas, co-starring Marc Anthony, Andy Williams (cause he was in every damn Christmas Special ever), Kathie Lee Gifford and Rage Against the Machine.

She Needs Something New to Suck At

Jennifer Lopez is tired of sucking at music and acting, so she's begun training to run a triathlon. This bitch is so full of herself, she probably thinks she'll qualify for the next Olympics. She probably thinks she's great at everything she touches, but in fact, she is a walking mediocrity. She is so over-validated it's insane.

Bollywood Hot Jennifer Lopez Wallpapers

Jennifer Lopez Sued Over Dog Attack

A stewardess is suing Jennifer Lopez for $5 million, alleging the singer's dog attacked her while on a plane.

The dog, Floyd, is accused of lunging at flight attendant Lisa Wilson as she walked past Lopez's seat during a 2006 flight. Wilson suffered a bite that caused her to fall over and wrench her back, leaving her with debilitating pain.

There's a 90% chance this Wilson woman is faking it just to get money out of Lopez...but I don't care; I want Lopez to lose and have to cough up the $5 million. And then I want a concerted effort by the Congress of the United States to do something about the blight on our nation represented by obnoxious people and their obnoxious animals.

Why in the fuck do people like Lopez need to have their dogs sit with them on planes anyway? You can't handle a couple of hours without your dumb little mutt in your presence? Are you afraid it will be traumatized if it has to ride with the luggage? Actually, it's neither...it's pure entitlement. You're Jennifer Lopez, so you get to have your dog with you on the plane. And you don't care if that causes inconvenience or discomfort or even harm to other people.

What I wouldn't give for a bolt of lightning to strike this bitch down. It's almost enough to make me turn Christian, just so I could pray for that.

Jennifer Lopez - Still a Giant Bitch

Pumping out a couple of kids has clearly not mellowed Jennifer Lopez - her bitchiness and monstrous sense of entitlement remain intact. An account of J-Lo's recent trip to the Catherine Malandrino boutique on Manhasset's Miracle Mile (via Page 6):

[Jennifer] demanded the store be shut down for her to shop alone, but they said, "Absolutely not." Then one of her eight-person entourage, including two bodyguards with their guns showing, was yelling at the clerk that Jennifer gets a 50 percent discount. Jennifer also tried on about a million outfits, then just threw it all in a pile in the dressing room and didn't buy one thing.

It never ceases to amaze me that a person who became rich and famous essentially for having a big ass can be so convinced of their superiority. Honestly Jennifer...what have you ever done? You danced on TV. You were in a few terrible movies. You made plastic music. And yet the world is supposed to bow to you like royalty?

George Carlin is dead but Jennifer Lopez lives on. Where are those fucking razor blades?