Jennifer Aniston was arrested last night for jumping on the back of a police officer and beginning to hump him. "She kept screaming, 'I'm so lonely, please love me,'" an eyewitness described. "She was like an escaped zoo animal. But her shoes were really nice." The officer escaped with minor bruising. Aniston was dragged to the nearest police station, hosed down and charged with being a desperate, old, washed-up mess.
