Goop This, Bitch

Gwyneth Paltrow's GOOP endeavor has earned her plenty of ripping from people all over the internet including me, but Gwyneth says she doesn't give a crap about the dissing and thinks the spreaders of negativity are all just messed up inside. As she said it to USA Today:

Q: When actors or artists do something different, they open themselves up to criticism. How would you respond to the people who are critical of your latest endeavor?

A: I think part of the problem is people get a hit of energy when they are negative about something, and it is a very detrimental way for them to get that hit of energy. They do not understand why they do not have a happy life. That kind of stuff is just noise to me. I just feel sorry for them.

Dear Gwyneth...First of all honeybunch, I know exactly why I have an unhappy life, so can the high-and-mighty bullshit. Second of all...people who feel this overwhelming need to give advice are really not doing it because they want to be helpful - they're doing it because they think they know everything and want to demonstrate this vast wisdom and knowledge to everyone else. Why do you think I give lectures like this? Because I give a shit about you? No. It's because I'm full of myself. Difference between me and you is that I'm big enough to admit it. So, please dear, stop trying to portray yourself as someone who is utterly pure of motive because you're not. You are a smug asshole twat and your site is a patronizing load of self-indulgent bullshit. Now would you kindly crawl the rest of the way up your own ass and suffocate you twerp whore. P.S. Chris Martin is a closet fag and Apple is the dumbest name ever for a kid and I hope you get cunt-cancer and die.

Wrong Approach

Gatecrashers says Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are on the verge of a break-up and are currently "holed up" in their London home trying to fix it. No...wrong guys. If you want to fix your marriage, the last thing you should do is hole up anywhere together. People break up because they can no longer stand the sight, smell and sound of each other...so the solution surely isn't to spend even more time in each other's presence. Right? Very silly. And kind of surprising considering Gwyneth's status as the wisest and most knowing person in the history of the world.

Choke On A Turkey Bone And Die, Bitch

Gwyneth Paltrow is the only being on earth wise and experienced enough to handle preparations for Thanksgiving dinner. Thankfully, Gwyneth is not shy about bestowing her vast knowledge on all us mindless peasants who can't even get the turkey out of the plastic and are utterly baffled at the concept of dressing. A sampling of Gwyneth's Turkey Day insight via her site Goop.com:

Turkey will always be the main event of Thanksgiving (at least in my house) and a whole turkey is the way to go if you’re feeding at least 12. But if your party is smaller, the stuffed turkey breast turns out to be a great halfway point. Brining it overnight insures that you don’t need to baste it and it has a quick cooking time. Why should things be any less festive if dinner is just for two? I came up with these stuffed turkey burgers which were a giant hit in my house. They are the perfect solution for anyone who isn’t feeding a big group (or for a big group that wants to try something different!).

I came up with an idea too Gwyneth - if you really want to get into the Thanksgiving spirit, you and everyone in your pathetic, fucked up family should get really wasted, dress up like Indians, go to Gwyneth Paltrow's house, grab her scrawny ass and drag her into the street and beat her with sticks until she is nothing but an unrecognizable carcass! And then you can all take turns fucking what remains of the corpse! Then stuff it and eat it! Yummy yummy cum-filled Thanksgiving Gwyneth Paltrow! And don't forget to chop Chris Martin into little bits and make a pie out of his no-talent Radiohead-ripping-off ass! Happy Thanksgiving fuckfaces!

Leaves Of Ass

Coldplay brought their special brand of watered-down crappy music to the American Music Awards. I don't know what the leaves have to do with anything. Maybe they symbolize the audience's desire to make like a tree and leave. Maybe if I listened to the song I would understand. I wonder if Chris Martin pays attention to Gwyneth at home or just tunes her out like the rest of the world does?

Lay Off The Drugs Hon

A funny thing happened to Duffy in her dressing room before a gig opening for Coldplay in Cleveland: The candle she'd lit for ambiance set her hair on fire and she almost burned up. "I was in the dressing room and I had music on and candles alight," said the reincarnation of Lulu (yes I know Lulu isn't dead). "The venue was a huge stadium, like a big sports centre. The dressing rooms had big white lights, no mirrors and lockers all along. They were super cool but you wouldn't want to spend three hours in there. So I was giving it a little bit of razzle dazzle. I had dimmed the lights then I lit this candle and it started melting a bit.

"I thought, 'Shit!' and started blowing it out. I got a cloth to wipe it up and bent down, not realising it was still lit. Then the entire left side of my hair went up in flames."

The situation was made more embarrassing, says Duffy, because Coldplay's Chris Martin was on his way to meet her, and when he got there she had to explain her room smelling like fried hair. "Are you giving yourself a home perm in here?" Michael Jackson sympathizes I'm sure.

Courtney's Paltrow Worship

Courtney Love may be the greatest I've ever seen at talking crazy shit. She's the only person I can think of who could've possibly concocted the following:

Over the years Gwyneth [Paltrow] has always invited me out to London and I have always procrastinated. I was like, "What if I come out to hang out with her and Chris Martin, who is a genius, and me being such the opposite of who they are?" My "What if?" worries started to kick in.

So fuck it! I decide to go to GP and face my fears, I pull up to a neighbourhood near Chelsea. My anxiety is kicking in and I am terrified I am not good enough for GP, for their beautiful lovely home, and lovely lifestyle and lovely family! What if my hair is messy? What if my extensions fall out? What if I have lipstick and spinach stuck between my teeth? What if they don't get my jokes? What if they hate to gossip? What if I accidentally made a stain on Gwyneth's coffee table?

I arrive two minutes early, and before I can even light my nerve smoke, Chris greets me at that gate with a gorgeous smile and a big hug. As I enter the kitchen there's an ashtray, two lighters and two packs of Silk Cuts. Did I just fucking die and go to heaven? Next thing I know I am being kissed by a beautiful woman (GP), wearing an apron! She is all chipper and rubs my head and pinches my cheeks! I am so overwhelmed by the atmosphere and the fact I can fucking have a smoke without getting arrested or kicked out.

I give GP a big bear hug and just lifted her up off the floor and guess what? She is a slip of a girl and light as a feather and far more beautiful than should be legal with an IQ that I have discovered and cannot reveal, although it is out of this world and much higher than one might think.

This confirms what I've always suspected - all fucked-up "bad girls" secretly want to be prim, prissy, uptight, smug little twats like Paltrow. And yes, I'm sure Paltrow's IQ is much higher than one would think. It would have to be, wouldn't it? She is, after all, perfect.

Gwyneth Had A Tummy Ache

At last, an explanation for why Gwyneth Paltrow was briefly hospitalized earlier in the week - she had a stomach ache.

This from Gwyneth's pal chef Mario Batali, who described her condition as "a little gastrointestinal situation" that has now been "straightened out." You mean to tell me Gwyneth Paltrow has intestines like regular people? I thought she was superior to normal humans and therefore did not possess icky organs and such.

An eyewitness said Paltrow was, "slumped over in a wheelchair pushed by Chris Martin." I would've paid money to see that.

(source)