That's Jayden James but that's not Britney...it's Federline's new trashy stripper girlfriend whose name escapes me (and I'm too lazy to look it up). Won't be long before replacement stripper mom is more mom than real stripper mom Britney. Better that way. New stripper mom has a better grip plus her affairs aren't being controlled by her father on account of her being a looooooney.
Photographic proof that Jayden James is still alive. Can't see if Jamie Lynn looks pregnant. The place said this picture was taken at an "alligator farm." Britney asked for some alligator seeds so she could plant her own. No, I kid. Of course Britney knows you don't grow alligators like plants. That's only crocodiles.
Why does little JJ look like he wishes he could go live with the alligators?
Jayden James had to go to the hospital, it's now been revealed, because of a bad reaction to something he ingested. I sympathize with poor little JJ - I am also allergic to Windex.
Vacationing Britneyhad to rushJayden James to the hospital in Kentwood, Louisiana after he started flopping around and foaming at the mouth more than usual. The Kentwood doctors gave JJ a good looking over and concluded that an evil spirit had gone up his nostril and taken possession of his brain. JJ was then transferred to a non-hillbilly hospital where they determined that he'd suffered a seizure. Shitney didn't believe them and took Jayden back to Redneck General to begin the voodoo treatments. She stripped naked, sacrificed a couple of chickens, slathered herself in their blood and began dancing around a giant chalk pentagram. That was just to calm herself down. No, I'm sure the kid will be fine - what could possibly be wrong with him, with a couple of fine genetic specimens like Britney and Federline for parents?
Britney Spears set off a shitstorm last night when she refused to hand over Sean Preston and Jayden James to Kevin Federline's bodyguards when they came to pick the kids up at the scheduled time (this on the same day Britney showed up nearly two hours late for Federline's lawyers' most recent attempt at deposing her in court, then left after only 45 minutes). Clearly, Ms. Spears is unbalanced. Police were called to her residence, and after a three-hour stand-off the crazy woman was hauled from the house on a gurney and put in an ambulance - in full view of paparazzi, news helicopters and the entire world. An on-looker described her condition:
They had to strap her down like a mental patient and she was going between laughing and hysterics. ... She just went crazy.
An initial statement by police said Spears was "under the influence of a substance." What that substance might have been is still unknown, and at least one tabloid is claiming Britney's drug tests show she was clean during the episode (though it seems unlikely that a test could've come back so quickly). Britney, it has been confirmed, was taken by the ambulance to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center and placed on 72-hour evaluation as a "special needs" patient, meaning she is on suicide watch (Perez Hilton claims Britney will be kept in the hospital for two weeks). As a matter of further concern, it has been reported that Britney's son Jayden James was also taken to the hospital, for reasons that have still not become clear. At least one account of last night's Britsanity says Spears locked herself in a room with JJ after the court-appointed monitor removed Sean Preston from the house and called police, and that cops had to bust the door down to get to Britney and JJ. JJ is now reportedly with father Kevin Federline and brother Sean Preston...
But is there more bad news coming for Britney? OK! Magazine says police plan to book her on unnamed charges as soon as her psychological evaluation period ends.
What happened in the room with Jayden James after Britney locked herself and him in?
Witness the intense vehicular drama as Kevin Federline uses a black pick-up to block paps from getting footage of the kids in the SUV ahead:
Damn Britney - stealing Barack Obama's thunder like that. She just couldn't handle not being the center of attention!
Kevin Federline had Sean Preston and Jayden James over Christmas (their mom was too busy huddling in gas station bathrooms pretending to have phone conversations for the benefit of the gullible paps). PageSix.com (which has already overtaken TMZ as the go-to gossip site - sorry Harv) reports that Federline had his cook prepare Filipino food for dinner, but that there was also a deep-fried turkey for those not interested in the primary fare. The guest-list featured most of Federline's family, including his divorced parents and their spouses (makes for a crowded deck when everyone goes out to have their smoke). Here's the kicker though - according to PageSix.com's source, Federline went cheap on gifts for SP and JJ because "he knew Britney would go nuts and get them more than they will ever need."
Oh yeah - Federline didn't want to overdo it gift-wise, so the credit card stayed in the pocket. More likely the credit card came out of the pocket, then got slid through the thingie and was rejected. Then the clerk tapped her foot and Federline got all sheepish. Something Kevin's used to by now I'd imagine.
And even if Britney did go nuts and buy the kids a bunch of toys - how much fun would it really be for them watching their giggling mommy playing with their shit?
"Here comes Spider Man. Woo. Look I'm Spider Man kids. Hey, I can do that for real. Watch me shoot webs out of my palms.
Come on god damn it. I swear I made it work last week..."
SP and JJ cringing away in horror. That's Christmas?
It's been a busy day for Britney Spears (and not in the usual way where she's just running around getting her picture taken and having coffee thrown on her by irate people). First, Britney got to visit Sean Preston and the other one whose name she sometimes forgets, accompanied by a parenting coach per the court's orders. The above image, right-hand-side, purports to show Britney crying as she leaves the kids, but to me it just looks like she's digging for mineral resources, as the MacKenzie Brothers used to say. Who knows though - maybe she really is upset not to have the little poopers around. They probably entertained her at least. God knows Britney needs lots of entertainment - and drugs.
Speaking of drugs...apparently Britney is not on them after all. They gave her a drug test this weekend and she passed. Of course there are ways of beating drug tests. They involve hiding jars of urine up one of your orifices. We know Britney would not be above such a move. She's used to hiding things in orifices; she has lots of room in there.
Finally, a judge has ordered that Britney be officially booked on hit-and-run charges stemming from an incident a couple months ago where she clipped somebody's car while trying to park. Apparently, Britney is trying to work out some kind of deal over all this - so it's likely this one will never see court. Too bad - I was really looking forward to watching them haul her out in a strait-jacket.
Britney Spears is clearly distraught over yesterday's court decision, which saw her lose custody of her sons Jayden James and the retarded older one. How could she not be upset? Those babies are everything to Britney. They're her whole life. Without them, all the partying, poon-flashing and other insane antics mean nothing.
Britney must feel now that there's a huge gaping hole in her life. Without JJ and SP, who does she have to endanger? Besides herself and everyone who comes within ten yards of her.
You can't blame Britney for just needing to get away now. It's perfectly understandable that she would be too grief-stricken to stay in her Malibu home, where she used to have so much fun smoking while the boys played inches from the edge of the pool. She needs new digs - that's why, last night, she checked into the Peninsula Hotel in Beverly Hills. She'll be able to get some much-needed rest there. Then, when she's done resting, she can go out and get some much-needed party-time. Cause that's really what will get Britney over this - not family support, not the well-wishes of her fans, not the gentle reassurances of the magic leprechaun she carries around in her purse. Just good old-fashioned partying. And drugs. And a few healthy whacks at a photographer with an umbrella.
