The Birthers, for those who think news begins and ends with Kate Gosselin's activities, are a group of nutwads, led by such senior wackfaces as Lou Dobbs, who believe that Barack Obama is not a native-born American and therefore isn't eligible to be president. These freaks base their entire argument on the fact that Barack has allegedly not produced sufficient evidence of citizenship - an argument Jon Stewart took apart with typical incisiveness and wit last night on The Daily Show.
Actually, my beef with the Birthers has nothing to do with what they believe, the theories of wackjobs constituting nothing more than extra static fizzing and popping in the ether around me. My problem with them is that they go around calling themselves "the Birthers." You know what that name sounds like to me? Something from a bad science fiction movie. There were the Steriles, and then there were the Birthers. And they were led by Octomom.
Clearly, the anti-Barack nutjobs can't fight him on ideas or policies, because that would require the ability to comprehend something more complicated than a made-up conspiracy plot of the type Lou Dobbs enjoys propagating. Sad.
The Oscars have dumped Jon Stewart for this year and will go withHugh Jackman, who has award ceremony hosting experience from doing the Tonys a couple of times. I'm officially declaring myself down with this selection. Hugh's much nicer to look at than Stewart and he can do song-and-dance numbers and deliver lines crisply and suavely. Plus this should mean fewer lame-ass political jabs. Really Jon? George Bush is stupid? I hadn't a clue until you made that joke about it. Thanks.
Jon Stewart gives his little daughter Maggie a monkey-kiss. This was taken at a playground. Dear God...tell me Jon Stewart isn't going to become the short, hairy, Jewish Jennifer Garner. Gaaaaaaaaa!
I wouldn't mind too much if Mitt Romney became president. Call me shallow, but I could imagine worse fates than four years of staring at a distinguished-looking, handsome, well-groomed fellow with smoldering eyes. Even if he's a Republican Mormon who by definition thinks I'm the embodiment of evil.
Yes, I know - supporting Mitt Romney would be going against my own self-interests. If I really love my country, and want to make it a better place, I will vote for the dashing young Barack Obama who has been officially anointed the reincarnation of JFK...by no less an authority than JFK's own brother Teddy.
Barack ain't so bad to look at himself, actually. I could live with him becoming president too. John McCain though...no thanks. That guy's head looks like a baked potato after it's been in my microwave for a couple minutes. And frankly I've never gone for those military types. He probably says 0700 hours instead of 7 o'clock. At least we don't have to worry about him doing any one-armed push-ups to prove his manliness...
No McCain for me...and no Hillary Clinton either. What a disaster a Hillary presidency would be. I mean, can you imagine...some big international summit with all the great leaders of the world, the fate of humanity on the line and such, and out comes Hillary in her lemon-yellow pantsuit? Nightmare!
I'm sorry kids, but I'm just not ready for a woman president...who doesn't know how to dress herself. Condie Rice I could get behind, as long as she wore those knee-boots she likes so much. And Nancy Pelosi? Only if Rachel Zoe gave her a total makeover. God, and someone has to do something about that perpetual look of surprise she wears on her face. It's like she spends her whole life being flashed by her uncle.
These people are all freaks, when you get right down to it. And Mitt is no exception...but Mitt's freakiness is of a kind I find oddly appealing. He's just such a dope. Like when he tried to relate to the black folks. You saw that video right?
Mitt got savaged by all the smarty-pantses like Jon Stewart and Bill Maher - because those guys, as we know, are too hip for any room. And they love destroying guys like Mitt because he doesn't have a lick of irony, and because he looks like the kind of guy who nailed the hot cheerleaders they all wanted to fuck but couldn't get because they were too busy smoking pot and calling for people to be impeached. That's why the smart-alecks hate Romney - he reminds them of their miserable childhoods. They think Mitt has never experienced a second of frustration or disappointment in his entire life. They despise him because he's openly optimistic while they are suicidal misanthropes. They ascribe devious motives to him and insist that underneath his sunny, Reaganesque exterior there is only cynicism and calculation and hatred.
Well, poo on them. I like Mitt. I think he's a dear. So what if he's a Neo-Con war-monger waiting to happen? So we invade a few more Arab countries and make another few million young Muslims want to destroy us. We're fucked anyway. We might as well go down staring at someone cute who we don't mind being fooled by (as long as our fantasies include him getting the hell out before the sun comes up).
