Studmuffins

"So Brad, do I have any shot at Angelina at all?"

"You'll have to get me out of the way first, sir."

"That can be arranged you know."

"Yeah? Can you also arrange to stop blowing your booze-breath in my face?"

"I like you Brad. I'm willing to do a swap. Give me ten minutes with Angie and you can have Hillary for a night."

"What the hell am I supposed to do with her?"

"Just do what I do. Make her lie on her stomach, get in there, do your business, tell her she's holding up pretty well, then watch 30 Rock on the DVR till you nod off."

"That sounds great. But you do realize that 5 minutes with Angie would pretty much kill your old french fry-eating ass."

"That's what I'm hoping son. Death by skank. Can you think of a better way to go?"

"Besides snapping my dick off in George Clooney's asshole and bleeding to death?"

"I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that."

Hillary Clinton Gets Drunk, Dances Like She Just Don't Care

Couple pops of wine and Hillary Clinton just goes crazy. And you should see her after she's snorted a few lines. Superfreak.

Total Mess

Hillary Clinton is out and about again after breaking her elbow in an apparent drunken incident. I can't even begin to convey how annoyed I am by the little State Department badge on the sling. You think Thomas Jefferson would've sported something like that when he was Secretary of State? It's fine to be a doofus, Hill, but do you have to advertise it like that?

Can't Any Of These Bitches Walk?

Last week Sonia Sotomayor fell at the airport and broke her ankle, and then yesterday, Hillary Clinton took a tumble near the White House and broke her elbow. Which begs the question: What the fuck are these bitches drinking? And why am I not presently loaded on the stuff?

If I'm Kathleen Sebelius, I'm being really careful stepping off any curbs, going up any stairs or attempting to perambulate in the presence of any large carpet crimps.

Wouldn't Shock Me

The nuts are claiming Joe Biden is set to step down as Barack Obama's running mate so Hillary Clinton can slide in and take the position she should've been given in the first place. The rumors say "health reasons" will be cited as causing Biden's withdrawal, when the truth is that Obama's people are afraid of the Palin factor, and are almost equally terrified the loose-lipped Biden will say something so horrific it will derail the whole campaign. It saddens me that someone like Joe Biden who I think is a fantastic, honest and smart guy is seen as a liability when a complete empty dress like Palin is viewed as a positive. I honestly don't think the Democrats should be that worried about her though. Even most Republican drones, once they start listening to her, will have to realize how stupid she is. And maybe then it will dawn on them how insulted they should feel at being made to swallow such a load of bullshit in the first place.

Bitterness

The bitterness expressed by "Hillary Clinton" in this SNL bit from last night mirrors the feelings of the entire Democratic party over the way Sarah Palin has swooped in and seemingly hijacked the whole campaign. It was all going so wonderfully for Juggy until runner-up Miss Alaska came along and made everything sooooo complicated. My advice to the Democrats? Have Joe Biden come down with a mysterious ailment right before the first debate with Moose Mom and slide in Hillary as a last-second replacement. Hillary can then proceed to tear Palin fifteen new assholes and no one can accuse her of sexist bullying.

Yes, Tina Fey has the Palin voice down and Amy Poehler does a decent job mocking Hillary's underlying anger but I'm sorry - I can't see these two now without thinking of the atrocious and unfunny Baby Mama. How I managed to sit through that whole thing when every instinct in my body was telling me to jump out the nearest window is beyond me.

Strategery

John McCain's pick of Alaska governor Sarah Palin as running mate is a pure chess move. Let's try to grab some of those women who are pissed about Hillary Clinton getting snubbed by Obama. Let's get someone young and attractive to balance off McCain's old, grizzled image. Let's throw someone in there against Joe Biden who, when he beats on her in the debates, can sniffle a bit and make him look like a mean bully. The Republicans are not dumb, kids. That's why they have a great shot to still knock off Jug-Eared Jesus.

Nightmare

Hillary Clinton got into an over-crowded elevator Wednesday night after her husband Bill's big speech, and found herself stranded for five minutes when it got stuck between floors. Reports say things got "hectic" inside the stalled lift. Wow - it's like someone looked into my mind and ripped out my worst nightmare and made it real. Except I wasn't on the elevator with that bitch thank God.

Never Had a Shot

The pundits all had us believing Barack Obama might actually consider choosing Hillary Clinton as his running mate. Turns out that was bunk. Not only did Hillary not make Obama's short-list, she was never even seriously considered. "She was never vetted," said a party official. "She was not asked for a single piece of paper. She and Senator Obama have never had a single conversation about it. How would he know if she’d take it?"

What scared Obama away from Hillary? Just her general heinousness or all the skeletons in her closet? The Vince Foster murder and Whitewater and all the other shady business deals. Had they vetted her, they would've doubtless discovered all sorts of other stuff too. So they didn't bother. No one wants a buck-toothed crook as a running mate.

I'm Moving to Canada

I have no problem with this Funny or Die bit starring Paris Hilton - I guess it's sort of amusing; she reads her lines okay and looks fairly good in the bathing suit. What I do have a very very big problem with is this response to the video from John McCain's spokesperson Tucker Bounds:

Sounds like Paris is taking the "All of the Above" energy approach that John McCain has advocated -- both alternatives and drilling. Perhaps the reality is that Paris has a more substantive energy plan than Barack Obama.

It was unconscionably lame for McCain's people to put Paris and Britney in the Barack attack ad to begin with (the point's valid I guess...it was just a dumb way of making it). After it blew up in their face you'd think they'd be smart enough to just stay away from all that shit entirely. But no. They are not. They keep going back to the well. Because McCain's people know he's really old and has zero cred with young people - and they think sparring jokingly with Paris is somehow rectifying that. But it's not. It's only making the old man seem lamer. And it's only reconfirming my belief that our Democracy is irrevocably screwed up. This is what we spend our time talking about?

Barack nailed it the other night when he said McCain's people were focusing on the Britney-Paris stuff to deliberately distract everyone from the real shit. Republicans don't want us thinking issues because they know George Bush has fucked the country up and therefore they lose on issues. And the even sadder part? All they're doing by going frivolous is setting Barack up to win points by staying above the fray. Hillary did that time-and-again, and now the McCain people are falling into the same trap. They try to undercut him, and he shrugs and acts like the whole thing is so silly and beneath him. That's his bit. Politics is a slimy game that he won't play. Except he will play it...he just plays it cleverer. The McCain people look like amateurs when they go this route.

I'm so sick of this country right now that I'm thinking of fleeing to Canada. When does Greyhound leave? Er...okay, maybe I'll hitch.

More Brainless Barack Love

The marketing push behind Barack Obama has been fabulous. Of course it helps to have a lot of celebrity endorsements. Beyonce is on-board as we see. The t-shirts are becoming like Che Guevara shirts now...Obama is becoming iconic in a way that has nothing to do with politics or history but is pure shallow fashion statement. "Look how cool I am...I've got Barack on my shirt." How does John McCain stand a chance against this kind of cultural groundswell? Yeah, I know...never underestimate the Republican machine. They'll hold their nose and support McCain, a guy they hate, because they know he's only going to stay in four years anyway. They'll pressure him into choosing some arch right-winger as his running-mate so they can run that person in 2012 against Hillary (who will easily win the nomination via guilt-trip over Dems' rejection of her this year). That will be the price McCain has to pay for getting the machine behind him. They could still derail Barack.

New Jibjab Song

Jibjab's new political parody video got quite the build-up. Is it funny? Not really. The visuals are impressive though. And, typically, Obama basically gets a free ride. He really likes change...he's a liberal weenie riding a unicorn. Meanwhile, McCain is keeling over from a heart attack and Hillary is bashing Bill over the head with a frying pan. They're all so afraid to attack Obama it's hilarious. The man has discovered the secret to avoiding criticism and satiric ridicule: Be black, and people will be so afraid of getting hit with the racist tag that they'll let you get away with anything.

What if Obama Had Crashed?

Barack Obama's plane was forced to make an emergency landing yesterday after the pilot experienced control issues. The plane got down safely and Obama went about his business (i.e., pretending not to be a regular politician).

In a parallel universe, the pilot lost control of the plane, the plane crashed and Obama died...crushing the hopes of millions (of suckers). And within ten seconds the Dennis Kuciniches and Barbra Streisands of the world started screaming that the plane was sabotaged and Obama assassinated. Just like when Paul Wellstone's plane went down.

Who would the conspiracy theorists accuse of being responsible however? The Republicans? What would they have to gain by offing Obama? Most likely, whoever succeeded the martyred Obama as the Democratic candidate would be lifted on a tide of popular sentiment such as to make a tsunami look like a fart-ripple. No...the last thing the Republicans would want is a dead Obama.

There's only one person I can think of who would profit immediately by Obama's death...Hillary Clinton. She would take his place as the candidate. She would be the beneficiary of that surge of blind emotion. She would sweep over McCain and right into the White House.

But the plane didn't crash and, for now, Obama is okay.

Barack Obama is All About Safety

Barack Obama finally vanquished that Gorgon Hillary Clinton, so now he can return to relaxing pastimes like riding his bike.

Yeah, bike riding may be relaxing for Obama...but what about the pedestrians and motorists in the area? You know there are about ten Hummers filled with secret service guys following him. Somebody slams their door too loud in the neighborhood and it's just a flurry of guys in black suits and Obama disappearing. And Hillary in her secret headquarters with her satellite feeds just waiting for...well, I ain't gonna say it, but you know what she wants.

Barbara Walters Talks About Hillary Clinton's Big Old Ass

Barbara Walters is clearly obsessed with Hillary Clinton's ass. I hope we're all prepared for four years with Hillary as vice-president.

So Long Hillary Clinton, it's Been Good to Know Ya

This is what happens when you spend too much time talking...eventually you say something unbelievably stupid.

Please Hillary, just go away now.

Links Links Links

Survivorman: It's not just a great show, it also saves lives.

Fried Coke. Yes, our civilization has officially died.

The Dirty Disher's son is a guitar-pickin' fool (I mean that in a nice way Dishy; don't get all pissy with me like you do).

Perez Hilton has a movie coming out. It also stars Amanda Lepore and RuPaul. Copy Fried Coke observation, paste, commit suicide.

The 15 Best Hotel Room Porn Movie Titles. Who needs porn when you have Survivorman?

UC-Davis is threatening to use a collection agency to get money it's owed by Hillary Clinton's campaign. When Hillary answers the phone at 3 in the morning, it's a prissy-sounding guy telling her to cough up the dough or else.

Hamas will meet with Jimmy Carter. Jesse Jackson must be sooooo jealous.

When Homos Attack

A wild Elton John got out of its cage during a Hillary Clinton appearance and attacked the fast-fading Democratic presidential hopeful.

It's possible Elton is the last famous person who will admit to supporting Hillary. Seriously...I even saw Bill Clinton sporting an Obama button the other day. It's OVAH.

Hillary Clinton is Desperate

Hillary Clinton went on with Ellen Degeneres. Fine. An audience is an audience.

But why did Hillary have to resort to mocking Barack Obama's bowling episode?

Does this make Hillary seem clever and sporting or simply desperate to make people talk about anything besides the fact that her campaign is on the rocks?

I'm tired of these politicians who think they can lull me to sleep with antics. Bowling. Going on talk shows. Self-deprecating jabs. Are you running for leader of the free world or auditioning for a weekend gig at The Laugh Factory?

How about showing some respect for the electorate? How about acting like the whole thing isn't some kind of show-biz load of shit?

This is why I refuse to support any politician regardless of party...they are all full of crap and anyone who puts their faith in politics is a fool.

Hillary Clinton, Ellen Page Do SNL

Lesbians Hillary Clinton and Ellen Page both appeared on SNL over the weekend. Hillary was there to make everyone think she's not worried about getting her big, fat white ass kicked by Barack Obama. Ellen was there because she's the hot thing in movies right now and SNL just loves riding those hipness waves.

In Hillary's sketch, the former first lady meets Amy Pohler, the chick who impersonates her (badly) on the show. Ellen's bit seems to poke fun at all the rumors going around about her sexuality. Hillary is actually more natural when she's trying to act...which is odd.