This Made Me Laugh

Sarah Silverman brought her A-game to Real Time. Fuck you bitches who don't like her. You just hatin' cause she witty and boys be diggin' her booty. Why the hell am I talking like this?

He's Not Impressed

Michael Moore has weighed in (he never gets sick of that one I bet) on the performance of Barack Obama so far. And, shockingly, he's not as upset as Bill Maher:

"I'm still in a stupor of stunned ecstasy that Obama won," said the Commie tudball. "And I approve of most everything he's done, from apologizing to the Iranians for America overthrowing their democratically elected president in 1953 to appointing Kumar (actor Kal Penn of the "Harold and Kumar" movies) to a White House position. He is doing the best he can with the mess he inherited, and I and millions of others are counting on him never to forget that he came from the working class and that his people need him now more than ever."

Moore is less complimentary toward the Democrat-controlled Congress however:

As for the congressional Democrats, what a bunch of losers -- weak, scared, stupid. They had better get a clue pretty quick or the Dark Forces will return.

The Dark Forces never left Mike. They just needed a little vacation. That's why they told Sarah to quit her job and lie low for awhile.

How Screwed Are We?

Journalist discusses the creepy C Street gang. Basically, they want to take over everything - for Jesus.

Congrats Bill Maher

Former Scientologist Tory Christman jumps on YouTube to inform Bill Maher that he's been officially declared a suppressive person by the COS. All religions hate Bill because he made the movie Religulous in which he questions people of faith and makes them look like dumpling brains (which isn't really that hard frankly). Thankfully, we live in relatively enlightened times, so Bill doesn't have to worry about being stretched on a rack or stoned to death or crucified. Unless he somehow winds up breaking down in Kansas.

Bill Maher vs. Sherri Shepherd

Bill Maher went on The View to hump his new anti-religion movie Religulous. The conversation was mostly civilized and sort of boring until Sherri Shepherd - you know, the chick who thinks the earth is flat - asked Bill if he had ever talked to God. Bill threw the question back in Sherri's face and Sherri, being Sherri, claimed she had indeed spoken personally to the almighty. To which Bill replied, "We should call Bellevue." Too late for that I think. Not surprisingly, the View bitches threw it to commercial before things could get out of hand. The exchange is at the very end of the above video. If Sarah Palin has to drop out of the race for any reason, McCain should definitely pick Shepherd. She wraps up the female, black and flaming religious idiot vote all by herself.

Religulous

Religulous is Bill Maher's skewering of religion. I guess this poster gives us some idea of the tone of the thing. Sorry, but I'm not down with the hardcore militant atheists. In fact I think that, in many ways, secularism has failed. Look around yourself and tell me the world's a better place for people turning their backs on the church. Well...I'm not going to elaborate further because I'll just get called an elitist swine. Let's just say I have a very specific idea of what the role of religion should be in the world. And yes, I do believe religion has a role. Just not for me personally. For the average unthinking beer-swiller? Come on...would not the world be a better place if those assholes had some God? Bach instead of Toby Keith? You see what I'm driving at probably.

Bill Maher Under Siege

The right-wing haters (that's a word everyone seems to like so I'll use it too) are trying to blow Bill Maher's anti-Pope comments up into a big controversy, in hopes that this will get him fired from his show on HBO.

This is stupid in many ways. One, the Pope is just an old man in a funny hat; he is only important because a billion Catholic dupes don't know any better. Two, Bill Maher has been talking shit against religion, sometimes insightfully, sometimes brainlessly, for years, so all this sudden venom against him is a bit hard to swallow. Three, the right-wing hates Maher because he trashes them more incisively than they trash him, and this angers the chimp-brains, and they're just looking for any excuse to get rid of him the same way certain people wanted an excuse to get rid of Imus and used the nappy-headed ho comment.

So, the new Fire Bill Maher movement is just a crock of shit. It's standard publicity-grubbing. The American Life League should shove their petition where the sun don't shine. Bill Maher should go on his show next week and say the Pope sucks dicks on weekends.

Bill Maher Pope Apology

Bill Maher made some naughty joke about the Pope being a Nazi last week on his show. This got him in trouble with Catholics who demanded an apology. So last night Bill apologized...kinda.

Did I mention that the Pope dildos are on sale?

I Find Mitt Romney Strangely Hot. Who's With Me?

I wouldn't mind too much if Mitt Romney became president. Call me shallow, but I could imagine worse fates than four years of staring at a distinguished-looking, handsome, well-groomed fellow with smoldering eyes. Even if he's a Republican Mormon who by definition thinks I'm the embodiment of evil.

Yes, I know - supporting Mitt Romney would be going against my own self-interests. If I really love my country, and want to make it a better place, I will vote for the dashing young Barack Obama who has been officially anointed the reincarnation of JFK...by no less an authority than JFK's own brother Teddy.

Barack ain't so bad to look at himself, actually. I could live with him becoming president too. John McCain though...no thanks. That guy's head looks like a baked potato after it's been in my microwave for a couple minutes. And frankly I've never gone for those military types. He probably says 0700 hours instead of 7 o'clock. At least we don't have to worry about him doing any one-armed push-ups to prove his manliness...

No McCain for me...and no Hillary Clinton either. What a disaster a Hillary presidency would be. I mean, can you imagine...some big international summit with all the great leaders of the world, the fate of humanity on the line and such, and out comes Hillary in her lemon-yellow pantsuit? Nightmare!

I'm sorry kids, but I'm just not ready for a woman president...who doesn't know how to dress herself. Condie Rice I could get behind, as long as she wore those knee-boots she likes so much. And Nancy Pelosi? Only if Rachel Zoe gave her a total makeover. God, and someone has to do something about that perpetual look of surprise she wears on her face. It's like she spends her whole life being flashed by her uncle.

These people are all freaks, when you get right down to it. And Mitt is no exception...but Mitt's freakiness is of a kind I find oddly appealing. He's just such a dope. Like when he tried to relate to the black folks. You saw that video right?



Mitt got savaged by all the smarty-pantses like Jon Stewart and Bill Maher - because those guys, as we know, are too hip for any room. And they love destroying guys like Mitt because he doesn't have a lick of irony, and because he looks like the kind of guy who nailed the hot cheerleaders they all wanted to fuck but couldn't get because they were too busy smoking pot and calling for people to be impeached. That's why the smart-alecks hate Romney - he reminds them of their miserable childhoods. They think Mitt has never experienced a second of frustration or disappointment in his entire life. They despise him because he's openly optimistic while they are suicidal misanthropes. They ascribe devious motives to him and insist that underneath his sunny, Reaganesque exterior there is only cynicism and calculation and hatred.

Well, poo on them. I like Mitt. I think he's a dear. So what if he's a Neo-Con war-monger waiting to happen? So we invade a few more Arab countries and make another few million young Muslims want to destroy us. We're fucked anyway. We might as well go down staring at someone cute who we don't mind being fooled by (as long as our fantasies include him getting the hell out before the sun comes up).

Bill Maher Has Issues With Protester

Why not just let the man speak Bill? Afraid he'd take too much time away from your usual ranting about how the bees are dying from cell-phones or how cow-farts are killing the earth? Or are you just afraid of the truth getting out about 9/11? That it was all cooked up by George Bush and his Zionist buddies?

(I'm kidding about George Bush and the Zionists. Please don't get worked up every time I make a jokey-poo. They're all jokey-poos. I don't even care about politics - it's like religion to me; a way for people to maintain for themselves the illusion that the world makes sense. It's all a crock, and the sad part is that it doesn't even work. Everyone knows that taking drugs and masturbating are the only two true ways to get through life sane and happy. And yes, "drugs" includes cookies and pie.)