Just Show Them Into The Pharoah's Tomb, Kate

Kate Beckinsale is hot to play Catwoman in the third Batman movie (the one that's not going to have Eddie Murphy as The Riddler and Shia LaBeouf as Robin). Apparently Kate thinks she hasn't done enough films that require her to wear really tight vinyl and do cartwheels while shooting machine guns. Does she know there are no vampires in Batman? I honestly don't know who would bore me more as Catwoman - Beckinsale or Rachel Weisz. At least with Weisz we wouldn't get inundated with interviews about vaginas during the lead-up to the release.

No More Vampires

Kate Beckinsale has caught up with the rest of the world by becoming sick of vampire movies. When asked if she'd consider doing yet another sequel to the idiotic and tedious Underworld the actress said:

I think they're still going, they probably will. I'm not sure I will. I feel like I've played that character enough times that I don't think I'd be excited to play the same character again. It's a weird experience. I've never done that before, you're playing the same character in two movies, and after two, I feel like I'm kind of done with that.

No more vampires for Beckinsale. But what will she do now? Hmm. Maybe something set in the desert? Something with, I don't know, a Pharoah? And a tomb? And a chick in really tight vinyl pants who scowls a lot?

Victoria Beckham's Giant Birthday Bash

Victoria Beckham threw herself a birthday party over the weekend and invited every famous person she knows. A lot of them showed up...to fawn over David. They couldn't care less about her of course.

Posh's boobs will be celebrating their 6th birthday here soon as well I think.



Yes, Tom and Katie were there. Somebody tell Nicole Richie that Katie is stealing her look. Tom's mom did his hair for him again I see.

Katie made that dress herself...out of a shower curtain. She's very industrious. It's either that or succumb to the despair.



Will Smith came straight from the country club. Nothing gives you more street cred than headwear from the Ben Hogan collection. Is that Tom Green trying to get an autograph? Oh, poor Tom...he should've saved more money from when he was rubbing his butt against things.



Jada Pinkett, channeling Rihanna. Jada would need to grow about two feet to truly become Rihanna. A foot of that would be forehead of course.



Eva Longoria took a night off from pretending to love Tony Parker. How loud does this bitch get when she'd drunk I wonder? That laugh of hers could crack glaciers.


Kate Beckinsale took a night off from worshipping her own vagina. Pharoah's Tomb my ass. More like Grand Central Station.



Gwen Stefani and her lame-ass husband brought gifts. What, no Kingston? I thought he was sewn to Gwen's hip. I can't wait till the new one comes out. She should kidnap adopt a couple Asian kids too. Only selfish people restrict themselves to bio-kids.


Sean Combs was invited...you know, to class the joint up. Apparently Bobby Brown wasn't available.

New BFFs: Victoria Beckham and Kate Beckinsale

Posh and Katie Holmes aren't speaking anymore after Katie called Poshy's tattoos trashy. So, the companionship-starved Poshy had to buy find herself a new best friend.

Luckily, Kate Beckinsale also lives in L.A. And she's British. And she has "Beck" in her last name. Perfecto!

And you thought the idea of Katie and Posh hanging out was mind-numbing. Just imagine the conversations these two geniuses have.

I wonder if Beckinsale has told Posh about the Pharoah's Tomb yet.

Victoria Beckham, Eva Longoria, Kate Beckinsale Feel Pap-Crush at STK

Going to dinner becomes a huge production when you're a star. And leaving dinner ain't exactly a walk in the park either...

Kate Beckinsale Discusses The Spectacularness Of Her Vagina

Kate Beckinsale discusses rumors of her sluttiness, and extols the glories of her vagina:

I was called a slut when I split up with Michael and began seeing Len, but I've only ever had about three boyfriends. Only a handful of people have seen into the Pharaoh's Tomb!

My best feature is unfortunately a private matter, although I'm told it is spectacular. But you can't really walk it down the red carpet. What can I say?

Kate Beckinsale - the thinking person's filthy skank.

Kate Beckinsale Dresses Her Daughter Like A Whore

No, that is not Kate Beckinsale's midget friend all dressed up like an 1800s dance-hall girl - it's her 8-year-old daughter Lily. You tell me if you think that's any way to be dressing a pre-teen. The whorish make-up is at least a tad disturbing if you ask the Crabster.

And to Kate...a she-devil? Really? Eh...

Kate Beckinsale's Family Disturbs Me

"Who here smells like a racoon's farts, likes eating worms and has the IQ of a retarded monkey?"

Tee-hee.

"Who here has slept with Hugh Jackman?"

Ho-ho.

"Okay. Now let's all wave to the birdies. Hi birdies!"