Tom Digs Robots

I guess David Beckham is back playing soccer in America. Anyway Tom and Katie showed up at some stadium and of course there was Posh and those little clones of hers. I wonder what Tom and Posh talked about? Battery life? Joint lubrication? How to give your plastic coating a nice natural skin-like color?

Poor Lady

David won't touch her anymore. This is all she has left. This and her gold vibrator.

Way To Dress Up

This picture about sums up how life differs for men and women. Men, when they go to a promotional event with their name on it, can slap on sneakers, jeans and a filthy hoodie and be satisfied no one will say anything. Women, on the other hand, have to glam it up, because if they don't, people will wonder if they are on something.

It's not fair, I'm telling you. Not fair.

More Of This Shit

This is pretty much all Posh and Becks have left - racy, kinda weird underwear ads. I ain't knocking it or anything, I'm just saying...

Deflation

Some folks are claiming that Posh has had another boob job, this one of the shrinking variety. The gossip mongers on the other side of the pond say Posh got sick of her trashy "WAG look," and thought smaller ones would make her seem classier. The picture above, taken a week ago, doesn't settle the matter one way or the other as far as I can see. She looks a little haggard maybe, but haggard doesn't equal classy, or real, or even human. Assuming the boobs have been deflated...I wonder what David thinks. Did he sign off on the reduction or was it done against his wishes? Or is he just way beyond caring what the fuck Posh does, so long as she doesn't make a fuss about his homosexual gangbangs?

No David

Posh dressed the kids up like little men and took them out to dinner. No Batman costumes this time. Even Posh knows there's a limit. Don't see David anywhere in this pic - maybe he was tired out from shagging the help?

Pair O' Davids

Becks: "I wish my hair was as swooshy as yours David."

Arquette: "Don't worry my lad. One day it will be."

Becks: "Thanks. Maybe we could swap wives one day."

Arquette: "I don't know Becks. Are you sure mine would come back?"

Becks: "Not a problem bro. I have a memory-eraser. Tom gave it to me. I zap myself with it after I have sex with Victoria. Courteney will never know what hit her, if you know what I mean."

Arquette: "Cool. Only thing is, it'll have to be a three-way for you."

Becks: "Aniston again?"

Arquette: "Can't get rid of the bitch. We tried moving but she just found us like one of those dogs that follows its master all the way across the country."

Becks: "You know I know some people. I could take care of that for you."

Arquette: "I'm sorry, what were you saying? I was getting lost in your eyes."

Leapin' Limey

David Beckham tries out the crazy new sex harness Will Smith bought for him. Actually, no...he went bungee-jumping. He thought about Posh on the way down and for a second really wished the cord would break.

America's Sweethearts

Tom and Katie went out to Nobu with Posh and Becks. Katie had a flat on the way but luckily, Tom carries a spare. Is it just me or does his cranium look very weird? Weirder than most craniums? Another question: How far does Tom's career have to slip before Posh stops wanting to hang out?

Night Of Twats

GQ Awards. Eva Longoria and Posh. Any lesbian fantasies there? No? Hetero guys not getting all hot thinking about Eva licking Posh's tuna? How about David Beckham and Tony Parker? Filthy foreign man-love. Actually, I don't think that's a fantasy. In fact I'm almost positive David and Tony have done it. Oh, slanderous. Fuck them. If those bastards aren't gay then no one is.

Stop It

Now Posh dressed her kid up like Robin. Who the hell puts a costume on their child every time they go out like this? Isn't this going to scar the child or at the very least make him kinda gay? Is that what Posh is going for? Is she hoping for a whole house full of little fairies? Not that there's anything wrong with that...actually, it could be sort of sweet. They could all learn interior decorating. Posh would have the most awesome house ever. She could lay there on the couch chomping pretzels (with the salt scraped off) and barking orders that everyone ignores because she has no style sense whatsoever. "No mother, black leather drapes would not be cool. Now shut up and drink your pea juice you cuntless mutant."

A Friend In Need Is A Pain In The Arse

Posh and Becks took their pal Madonna out to dinner at Nobu. This is them driving home. They don't look happy. That's what happens when you hang out with Madonna. She's more depressing than that commercial with Sarah McLachlan and the one-eyed puppies. Sorry, but I have to change the channel every time that comes on. It makes me start to blubber and then I just want to chomp ice cream or perhaps kill myself by running head-long into an on-coming bus. I'm guessing Poshy and Becksy wish they'd never met Madonna about now. She's more annoying than Jennifer Aniston after yet another break-up. She's more annoying than Tom Cruise during one of his 3 am gay attacks.

Kiddie Dress-Up

I wish I was Posh's kid. I'd get to dress up like Steve Irwin and go to the grocery store to buy frozen peas and laxative. I'd get to stare down the paps like Keira Knightley on the rag. I'd get to stay up all night watching Spice World on a continuous loop while daddy was in the other room oiling up Will Smith and mommy was upstairs counting her pubic hairs. What a life.

Gotta Watch the Help

Two of David and Victoria Beckham's housekeepers were arrested for allegedly stealing their employers' gaudy shit and putting it on eBay. The stuff was allegedly taken from Posh and Becks's $5 million Beckingham Palace, a place they barely visit anymore since moving to L.A. (making it real easy for somebody to pinch stuff). Unfortunately, the thieves' plan was foiled when Victoria's parents saw the stuff on eBay and recognized it.

You know what would've been funny? If Posh's parents had bought the shit and then given it to her as a birthday present. You think she would've recognized it? "I gave that to you five years ago you dumb twat. You don't even know how much shit you have do you?"

The alleged thieves, Eric and June Emmett, deny the whole thing, and blame the British tabs for making it up. Well, yeah, that's possible. It's also possible that we're dealing with a couple of dumb-asses who will now be ground into dust because they dared fuck with Posh.

Shitfaced

Posh and Becks have a secret treatment for battling facial blemishes - bird shit. Victoria discovered the paste, derived from nightingale poo, while in Japan, and began using it to combat her famous acne - and somewhere along the line David tried it too and decided he liked it. Bird shit does have its limits though. It can't wipe the permanently sour expression off your face nor can it cure you of a homosexual fixation on Tom Cruise.

The Hills Have Eyes

Satan Twins

When did Posh and J-Ho become bestest buddies? These asses are supposed to do press releases when they start hanging out with each other so we can get our insults ready. Now I have to come up with something on the fly. Um...er...oh fuck, I've used them all. Two heinous bitches who think the world revolves around their twats. I'm surprised they can both occupy the same room given how huge their egos are. J-Ho is probably only using Posh to get in good with Tom and Katie. She wants to trade up from Leah Remini, Scientology-buddy-wise.

Do I Hate It?

Posh cut her hair really short. This is the kind of stuff I'm supposed to concern myself with. Well okay...hmm. I think I sort of like it. It's cute and it makes her seem less plastic and fake. It's the sort of thing a normal flesh and blood woman does when she's in the mood for something different. Of course we know there was nothing impulsive about this for Posh - she doesn't do anything spontaneously. She probably hired artists to do sketches of what she would look like. Bitch doesn't take a piss without someone drawing a storyboard first.

It Ain't Halloween Yet, Bitch...

Who takes their kids out dressed in costumes on any other day but Halloween? And Michael Jackson doesn't count.

Posh and Becks Almost Died

David and Victoria Beckham were involved in a "horrific car crash" in Nice last Friday but somehow escaped unscathed. Reports say the couple were on their way to the airport for David to catch a plane to Beijing for the closing ceremonies of the Olympics when he crashed their BMW laterally into a wall, breaking the windshield and extensively damaging the vehicle on the passenger's side where Posh was sitting. There were no other vehicles involved in the accident - so David just can't drive worth a shit then (or maybe he was trying to kill the bitch)? There are supposed to be pictures of the couple looking "shaken" in the aftermath of the wreck, but I haven't been able to scare them up. The great thing about Posh is that she comes with her own airbags.