Tom Digs Robots

I guess David Beckham is back playing soccer in America. Anyway Tom and Katie showed up at some stadium and of course there was Posh and those little clones of hers. I wonder what Tom and Posh talked about? Battery life? Joint lubrication? How to give your plastic coating a nice natural skin-like color?

Winning The Bullshit War

Katie Holmes kicked and fought and screamed and finally got Tom to give in...on letting Suri go to Catholic pre-school.

"[Katie] is not convinced by Scientology and has told Tom that she wants Suri to be educated as a Catholic," says a source.

Katie was apparently encouraged in her rebellion by her Catholic parents, who think Tom Cruise is an idiot for believing in a crazy space God. They want to ensure that their granddaughter is only indoctrinated into sane stuff like ritually eating a wafer that represents a dead carpenter's flesh.

Good for Katie anyway. It's about time someone stood up to that sawed-off megalomaniac.

Walkin' Fool

Katie finally figured out that Suri has feet and can use them to walk. Aren't they adorably matchy? I wonder if Katie ever just starts stuffing those giant bags with items and walks out without paying. You know, the thrill of breaking the law. She needs some fun somehow.

Who Do They Think They Are Kidding With This Shit?

I have numerous questions for the people at Elle.

#1: It's the Women in Hollywood issue, and Katie Holmes is on the cover? Cause she typifies today's Hollywood woman. Washed-up at 30 and married to a religious fanatic who won't let her leave the house until he personally looks over her outfit.

#2: Who do you think you are fooling with that picture? Katie Holmes didn't look like that even when she was young and people thought she was hot. Stop trying to turn Katie Holmes into the new Zooey Deschanel. It makes no freaking sense.

#3: How much of a pain was it doing that photoshoot with Tom hovering like a fretful parent?

#4: How do you manage to stay in business when no one buys your magazine?

Suri's Day Off

Tom and Katie finally gave Suri a day off from distracting everyone from how insane they are, and made Connor go out with them for the daily photo op. "Let them haul the dark one around for a change," Suri growled. "I want to stay in and play with my fucking dollies for once. It's not like it's doing you two assholes any good. Everyone still thinks you're fucking nuts. And I'm fucking adorable and everyone loves me. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it midget boy."

Fitness Freaks

I guess Tom got sick of people calling him a fat-ass. He didn't want to end up like his buddy John Travolta, a big bald pasty tudball.

Note that Katie is running even with him in this picture. She always goes easy on him when the cameras are around. Those little stubby legs make it hard for him to keep up.

Free-Range Cruises

Katie's in Australia filming some kind of movie I guess. Well, I'll give her credit - she's not surrendering, even though her film career is just about in Lindsay Lohan territory. Here we see Katie enjoying a frolic with Suri. Don't they look happy? Like a couple of little fleeing prisoners enjoying their first taste of freedom.

Now Starring As Chris Christofferson In Anna Christie

When you go with the headline about someone playing Chris Christofferson in Anna Christie, really, your work is done. I mean how much more amusement do you want than that?

On Paris Jackson...

A thought from the Crabster: You can say anything you want about Michael Jackson, but one thing he never did was exploit his kids for publicity. You saw pictures of them out and about of course, but never in that creepy way that you see, for instance, Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise. It might've been in Jackson's mind, at one point, that he could help his image - quell those homosexual rumors, for example - by having a brood; never mind that they weren't really his kids - that was something he never intended us to know (hence the pay-offs to people like Debbie Rowe). But clearly, at some point, Jackson's own experiences with childhood stardom must've inspired him to change his mind, and shelter the kids as much as possible from the cold, glaring eye of the media.

That being the case...I wonder what Michael would think of what happened today at Staples Center. His daughter Paris, whose privacy he sought to guard as well as he could, being shoved in front of millions of people, exposed to that horrible scrutiny he knew so well. I'm guessing he wouldn't have been happy. Even though the phony little drama was obviously performed on behalf of him and his tainted image. Seems to me that, even in death, he keeps getting fucked over by his own family. I'm not sure those kids are any better off now than they would've been with him.

Stressed

Katie Holmes is married to Tom Cruise...so why does she always look like she hasn't been fucked in a decade? That question answers itself, doesn't it?

Kick His Ass, Cam

Tom Cruise thinks he wants to box Cameron Diaz. Big mistake Tom. Take if from the Crabster - never challenge a Mexican to a fight. And never leave one alone with your wallet either.

Katie's amusement looks so...genuine.

Sad Pirate

Katie Holmes has spent the last several days rehearsing for her number on the show So You Think You Can Dance.

Remember when Katie married Tom Cruise to give her career a boost?

I don't think appearing on a dopey TV talent show was what she meant by "boost." I can't believe that, at this point, Katie thinks marrying Tom was really worth it. Unless she enjoys being forced to haul their miserable child around all day for pub, and not being allowed to have sex except with electronic implements Tom has personally chosen and tried out himself.

It's Not Her

Sure, that was the real Katie Holmes at the SAG Awards last night. And I'm Jake Gyllenhaal's bike seat.

Herr Cruise

Valkyrie got its Berlin premiere. Tom showed up so everyone would know it's all good between Germany and Scientology after that whole trying to ban the cult thing. Katie showed up cause, well, Tom told her to. The clock is definitely ticking on this marriage. Katie's 30, and as soon as Dakota Fanning reaches a semi-appropriate age...

Blocking Out The Pain

Katie Holmes has learned to push the pain way way down inside. Now she can't feel anything...not even fire burning her hand. Look what you've done Tom Cruise. Just...look...what...you've...done...you...mad man.

Who's Playing Tom?

Mila Kunis stars as Katie Holmes in The Katie Holmes Story. This is the scene where the cold sores get totally out of control.

The Vag What Spawned Him

Katie was too busy hauling Suri around New York for publicity purposes, so Tom had to take his mom to the Golden Globes. I wonder how she feels about her son being a homosexual Jim Jones wannabe who exploits his child in a way that would make even Patsy Ramsey blush (if she weren't dead). Eh, she's probably too full of sedatives to even notice.

Suri Bunny

I feel sorry for that poor innocent bunny, being dragged in front of the paps just so Suri can soften her image. That's rank exploitation! Someone call stuffed bunny protective services! Fucking Scientologists.

Wow...She Can Eat

Witness the amazing eating child. Watch as its joyless keeper feeds it a square piece of cardboard masquerading as a treat. Jeez, I wonder what other tricks she does. Breathing? Pooping? Blinking her eyes? Talented child there.

Slight Improvement

Katie Holmes looks slightly less on the verge of death in this picture. For a minute there I thought she was going to collapse in the street and wouldn't that have been a pretty pickle for Scientology who are already dealing with enough negative pub after the Jett Travolta "seizure" thing. It's not good for a cult when the people tied to its major followers start keeling over under mysterious circumstances.