LaBoof Learns His Lesson

LaBoof has discovered a new means of getting around in the wake of the traffic accident that nearly cost him a finger - a dorky bike. Cool. But, um, should he be listening to music while pedaling around? And shouldn't he be wearing a helmet? I shouldn't I be sitting in his lap?

Mulligan, Beautiful, Fantastic

Carey Mulligan is sure to get an Oscar nomination for her performance in An Education. She has all the old horndog movie critics drooling over her combination of talent and pixie sex appeal. She is fucking Shia LaBoof. She is just about the hottest thing right now in the world of movies you have to wait to see on DVD because the local Multiplex needs those screens for extra showings of whatever loud piece of shit Michael Bay has out.

And now she has landed a role in The Beautiful Fantastic alongside Tom Wilkinson.

ScreenDaily.com describes The Beautiful Fantastic as a modern fairy tale in the vein of Amelie. Since I hated Amelie with a passion that cannot be described with mere words, I think I will be skipping this.

Unless, when I finally see An Education, I become as entranced by Ms. Mulligan as everyone else.

LaBoof And Lady

Question: Does LaBoof get points for eschewing the skank brigade and hooking up with a plainish serious actress type? I imagine there are lots of people out there who think he should dump the Mulligan chick, find the nearest Gossip Girl starlet and make a drug-fueled sex tape. Shia wants something real though. At least until Megan caves in.

Aw, Hims Has A Girlfwiend

LaBoof has been fucking Carey Mulligan, the British actress with whom he is starring in the new Wall Street sequel, cleverly named Wall Street 2.

She's cute. She's got big early Oscar buzz for her performance in An Education. She seems like a serious sort. She's not some skanky ho like Megan Fox. And, most importantly, she doesn't mind mangled fingers on a dude.

Way to go LaBoof. Try not to accidentally kill her.

I Feel Dirty Just Looking At Them

I hope LaBoof isn't too jealous that his dream girlfriend Megan Fox took Robert Pattinson to the Teen Choice Awards. You know Megan is all over that. Granted, Megan is all over pretty much anything with a dick or vagina (except LaBoof), but it's the extra vigor. She really almost means it when she goes down on Pattinson. He's so hot in a creepy lurking rapist way.

Question: Does Megan wake up in the morning wearing those "sexy" expressions that look like a precursor to dry heaves or does she wait until the cameras point at her?

Hot Shia(t)

Stop it LaBoof, you're getting me hot. No really. I went through three pairs of underwear just getting this picture posted. That is a hunka man.

Advice For Transformers Fans

LaBoof has some advice for anyone who's wondering how they will be able to endure the new Transformers movie without losing their minds. Crabbie's advice for the Megan Fox pervs: try not to squirt too hard on the head of the person in the seat in front of you. That's how public castrations happen.

LaBoof Slobbers On Fox Hottie

LaBoof has a thing for Asian chicks, as he demonstrates in this snippet from an interview with some Fox News broad. Let's hope they at least got to a motel room before mauling each other.

Preemptive Ass Covering

Michael Bay thinks Paramount isn't doing a good enough job promoting his new loud brainless summer extravaganza Transformers 2. "I have been waiting, and waiting for the anticipation of an 'event movie' to make it into the 'public zeitgeist,'" the director ranted in an email to studio chief Brad Grey. Bay specifically ripped the print campaign, calling it an "abject failure." And believe me, this guy knows from abject failures: he made The Island.

Of course this all reeks of preemptive ass covering. If the movie flops, then it will be the fault of the studio for not promoting it. And if Bay is already trying to plant this seed? It must mean he knows the film is doomed, a major league stink-bomb that will make even Land of the Lost look like a classic. That's scary badness right there. Maybe, for the next Transformers movie (if there is one), Bay should just get rid of the giant robots and Shia LaBoof, and have Megan Fox work the pole for 2 hours. At least then she'd finally be tackling a role she can handle.

LaBoof Doesn't Believe In Talent

LaBoof on what acting is really all about, via Us Magazine:

Actors live dependent on being validated by other people's opinions. I don't understand what it is I do that people want. I don't know what an actor does. I have no credentials. I don't know what I'm doing. To my mind, talent doesn't really exist. Talent is like a card player's luck. It is motivation, ambition, and luck. It's just a drive to be the best. I think acting is a con game.

Sorry Shia, but you are dead wrong. If talent doesn't exist, and motivation and luck and ambition are the only real things, then why doesn't Arnold Schwarzenegger have ten Oscars? Arnold made it in movies on ambition and drive and good breaks, but there's still something out there that separates a mere determined hoofer and/or lucky sod from someone with real talent (who may or may not succeed on the basis of said talent). Your insistence that it's all a "con game" sounds like affected cynicism, which is what I'd expect from someone who desperately wants to be thought cool. Ain't working.

He's No Mayer

Shia LaBeouf tries to jump on the pap-tweaking bandwagon where John Mayer and Pete Wentz have long held court. Sorry Shia, but you're gonna have to do better than that. A little creativity at least would be nice. Get a Sharpie and draw some funny eyebrows or a porny Brad Pitt moustache. Give us something.

More Of This Shit

Transformers 2: Rise of the Fan Boys' Penises Every Time Megan Fox Sticks Her Tits Out tops my list of movies not to see in 2009. Won't matter of course - shit will still make a gazillion dollars and there will be a flood of publicity appearances by that tattooed slut and Shia LaBeouf who will hand out random bits of himself that fell off after his accident. Here's a suggestion...how about we go one year without any idiotic expensive Hollywood blockbusters being released? I'm still not over all the bullshit from this summer and it's only a few months until more starts coming. And don't even get me started on the Oscar hype. No, Benjamin Button is not that good. Speaking of that movie...was I the only one who was disappointed that they didn't stick a shrunken Brad Pitt head onto the baby at the end? What kind of fucking cheat was that, using a real baby. CGI that shit, man. And the stuff where they smoothed out all Cate Blanchett's wrinkles...it didn't make her look young, it made her look freaky - like Nicole Kidman without the plumper.

Just Show Them Into The Pharoah's Tomb, Kate

Kate Beckinsale is hot to play Catwoman in the third Batman movie (the one that's not going to have Eddie Murphy as The Riddler and Shia LaBeouf as Robin). Apparently Kate thinks she hasn't done enough films that require her to wear really tight vinyl and do cartwheels while shooting machine guns. Does she know there are no vampires in Batman? I honestly don't know who would bore me more as Catwoman - Beckinsale or Rachel Weisz. At least with Weisz we wouldn't get inundated with interviews about vaginas during the lead-up to the release.

Stop Messing With Me

British tab The Sun took time off from documenting Lily Allen's every move to announce that Eddie Murphy has been chosen to play The Riddler in the highly-anticipated third installment of the Batman series. Director Christopher Nolan had originally wanted Johnny Depp for the part but was then hit in the head with a bowling ball and got the idea to cast Murphy. The same story says boring Oscar-winner Rachel Weisz will play Catwoman - not Cher as had been deliciously rumored. And for Robin? Of course...Shia LaBeouf. Won't be any vaguely homo-erotic energy between him and Christian Bale. Why not just go totally lametastic and cast Kevin Federline as the Penguin?

Worth At Least A Million Words

Oh man - Shia LaBeouf is not happy to be having his picture taken with his mom. He wants to run away and hide so bad. What's the matter Shia? She looks like everyone else's mom to me. Maybe a little more hippieish but so what? Oh, you're afraid she's going to hurt the little tough guy image you think you've cultivated. Sorry sweetie, but no one believes it. Picking fights with Walgreens security guards, calling your white friends "dawg" and "nigga" and getting popped for DUI don't make you seem bad-ass. You're just a pathetic confused kid aren't you Shia? Sorry. Life sucks. Guess you'll have to console yourself by spending some of your millions on drugs and hookers and tats. Fucking little twat.

Little Wet Girl Panties

Selena Gomez dreams of having Shia LaBeouf all over her...TV show The Wizard of Waverly Place. "You'd think that as much as I promote it [he'd make an appearance]," the tart said. "I'm like, begging, but it's not happening. I know I'm a nerd! Please, Shia, come on my show!" Darling little Selena - she doesn't realize Shia is a complete dirtbag who would probably molest her the second they were alone. Or maybe she does know that and that's exactly what she wants. Jonas Brothers get old after awhile I guess.

Check Out The Doof

Shia LaBeouf looks more lost than John McCain. Where's he going with that backpack? Is he planning on walking across Europe? He knows they hate him in Bulgaria, right? "You die LaBeouf!!!"

Dude Can't Catch a Break

Shia LaBeouf still hasn't recovered from busting his hand up in that car wreck, and now the actor is nursing another injury after getting hit in the eye with something on the set of Transformers 2: Megan Fox's Tits Plus Robots. LaBeouf reportedly received stitches to close a gash over his eye and immediately went back to work. What a trouper the kid is. Too bad he's such a god-awful dickweed.

Pair o' Bimbos

Shia LaBeouf took Transformers co-star Megan Fox as his date to the premiere of his new movie Eagle Eye. Oh Shia - you're so cool; you get to hold Megan Fox's hand. And if you were a female stripper or a has-been former 90210 cast-member, she might even fuck you.

How Do You Make a Dork Seem Less Dorky?

Put him next to a man who has been wearing the same asinine leathery rock n' rolla costume for over 20 years but still thinks he's the coolest bastard on earth.