Further Proof That Ashton Kutcher Is A Moron

In the new GQ, Mad Men siren January Jones reveals that her ex-boyfriend Ashton Kutcher once told her she sucked at acting and should quit.

"[He] was not supportive of my acting," January says. "He was like, 'I don't think you're going to be good at this.' So – fuck you! He only has nice things to say now – if anything, I should thank him. Because the minute you tell me I can't do something, that's when I'm most motivated."

So let's see: Ashton told January that she should quit acting, but he encourages his idiot stepdaughter Rumer Willis to keep at it? Ashton knows talent like I know vaginas.

Family Night Out

Fashion innovator Rumer Willis took some crumpled old aluminum foil from under the stove burners and fashioned a dress out of it. Then she dyed her hair with carrot juice and went out with mommy and step-daddy to get their picture taken. Rumer likes getting her picture taken, even though she is a butt-ugly freak. I guess she figures if she gets her picture taken 1,000,000 times, she's got to look good in one of the fuckers.

Another Reason Not To Watch 90210

Rumer Willis and her unfortunate bone structure will be making a guest appearance on 90210, the CW remake that amazingly hasn't been canceled yet.

Access Hollywood describes Rumer's character as a "punky cute lesbian who isn't afraid to speak her mind." Hey - that was my part! Fucking bastards.

Please, No More, I'm Begging You

Chinzilla got tired of icking us out with her face and now wants to ick us out with her words. She's off to a good start with this statement about her teenage crush on Ashton Kutcher, the man who would become her stepfather:

Ash was a heart-throb, to me. I had pictures of him on my wall at boarding school and I remember my mom saying that her new “friend” Ashton was going to come and hang out with us. And I said, “Whoa, wait – Ashton Kutcher?” I kind of freaked out a little bit. I definitely blushed.

Imagine Rumer blushing. Everything going red. That whole...thing. Like a big old red potato. Hee.

Please Don't Procreate

Rumer had a halfway decent piece of ass on her arm at the Golden Globes last night. She has a rockin' bod and is probably hot in the sack, plus there's that whole famous mommy and daddy thing. I'm simply trying to explain why this man might be willing to look beyond Rumer's, um, issues. She's beautiful on the inside, right? Uh-huh. And my farts smell like Chanel No. 5.

Dear Rumer...

There's hope for you, hon.

Strike A Pose. Not That Pose.

Rumer the Tumor could help herself greatly by learning to avoid being photographed at this sort of angle. Not that there's any such thing as a flattering angle for this beast. Maybe the back-shot. Even then, all you can think about is the freakish chin.

Rumer Willis Acts

Heehee...the bit where the guy asks how her husband's eye is and she says "It's improving. He told me I looked beautiful today." Did Rumer have them write that in just for her self-esteem? And how did her husband's get injured in the first place? A horrible chin-related accident?

She Got a Job

Rumer Willis is no longer useless celebuspawn - the ugly bitch actually went out and scored herself a real job. EW reports that Rumer will be dragging her giant chin in front of the cameras to shoot a guest spot on the TV show CSI: NY - and she'll be playing the victim of a serial killer!. A serial killer who targets people with giant deformed chins! The Chinzilla Killer! This is perfect casting, obviously.

Chinzillas in Love

Rumer Willis's boyfriend Micah Alberti also has a big prominent chin. They must have to contort themselves like circus performers every time they try to shove their mushes together in a kiss. God, that's something I hope I never live to see. At least they seem to be enjoying themselves. The Elephant Man had his happy moments too I guess.

She's Straight Guys...So Start Lining Up

Rumer Willis is denying rumors that she lives on the carpet-munching side of town. "If people call me a lesbian because I have short hair and I wear jeans instead of dresses, then by all means run with it," said Chinzilla. "I think it's hilarious. I like guys." Lesbians are said to be quite relieved.

Chin Job

Someone was very kind to Rumer Willis and did some electronic surgery on her chin for this Page Six Magazine cover. It's fine with me only...well, what about all Rumer's talk about being a role model for young girls who don't fit the conventional mold? What's the message here? "It's okay to look different as long as there are highly-skilled professionals who can perform virtual plastic surgery on you for magazine covers?" If Rumer were really about the role model thing she would protest this (the same way Keira Knightley has protested having her boobs digitally enhanced). But we know Rumer's only about the fame-whore thing so she'll let this slide. It's just about the best picture I've seen of her and it's totally fake.

Chinzilla Speaks

Rumer Willis knows people think she's an ugly freak-face. Said Chinzilla:

Everybody has an opinion, and we live in America so you're allowed to. Hopefully, young girls will watch [me] and feel confident about themselves and go, "OK, that girl's not entirely the ideal of what a perfect picture is supposed to be and she feels confident and beautiful, then I can too." If we can have the ability to do that, I'm very excited about that."

As long as you are comfortable with who you really are and your friends and the people that are around you know that, that's all that really matters.

That's a nice, positive outlook you have there honey. Now could you do us all a favor and put a bag over your head? If you can find one that will actually fit.

Dog + Rumer

The great thing about animals is that they're totally non-judgmental. They don't care how ugly or smelly or stupid you are. Or if you're a shameless fame-whore whose whole life is going from meaningless event to meaningless event, trying in vain to make people think you're a celebrity.

Turning Over a New Leaf...

I'm turning over a new leaf...no longer will I make fun of how ugly Rumer Willis is.

First of all, making fun of people's ugliness is lame. Anyone can do it. It requires no wit or cleverness. Second of all...in Rumer's case it's just way too easy. Like squashing bugs or running over chipmunks with a tank.

And third...I just want to be a better person. And that starts by not being so damn mean. So, no more Rumer-bashing. At least not for a couple of days.

Rumer Willis - Stop!

Rumer goes with the blue contacts. They lack the hypnotic power necessary to make us think she's cute. Maybe if she went with a full blue face?


Nope...still no good.

Who Did Zac Go Home With?

"Girlfriend" Vanessa Hudgens?

Chinzilla?

Dina...er Ali...er Lindsay Lohan?

No. In fact, Zac spent his evening sniffing around those gorgeous little boys from Gossip Girl, but ended up with the one he loves most...Zac.

Rumer Willis is So Very Blech

Rumer Willis keeps plugging away. I have to hand it to her...she's persistent. A lot of people would've given up by now but not Rumer...she's going to shove her hideousness down our throats until we give in.

I know...let's all tell Rumer she's hot. Then maybe she'll go away. No...it will only encourage her. God damn it, why couldn't Demi and Bruce have sent her to a convent?

Rumer Willis Remains Quite Ugly

This is Rumer Willis on the set of her new movie Wild Cherry. I don't know what the deal is with the Walter Cronkite glasses and floppy hat...maybe she's trying to look like the most trusted mushroom in America.

Wild Cherry, in case you're curious, is about three virgin friends who make a pact not to have sex until they fall in love. Of course these chicks are supposedly choice pieces of ass and all the horny males are trying to nail them.

I'm sorry, but I don't think Rumer is a good enough actress to pull off playing a high school/college-age virgin. Everyone knows she was giving it away by the age of 12. Ugly chicks are always the quickest to spread their legs.

Rumer Willis, the Eye's Mortal Enemy, Will Now Begin Her Assault on the Ear

It isn't enough for Rumer Willis to punish our eyes with her hideous deformed looks...now the stupid bitch wants to assault our ears too, by launching a music career.

Music industry insiders are reportedly interested in Rumer after hearing a tape of her singing along with Dusty Springfield while prepping for a photoshoot.

"She can definitely hold a good tune — keep in mind her mother, Demi, has a sultry, raspy voice, and father, Bruce, likens himself as being a blues artist," one insider said. "With the right production and material, she could put out something solid and already people are talking."

That's ironclad logic right there: Her mom has a raspy speaking voice and her father is a white guy who plays fake blues, so she must be a great singer.

Now we know how Scarlett Johansson got a record deal.

Do I need to whip out the Feist video again to remind these assholes what real music sounds like? No more dumb-ass celebs with their little vanity projects. If you want to find singers, go to some clubs and sign some. Then get them some decent material, put some money behind promoting them and watch their careers take off.

Honestly, this thing in the music industry of trying to make pop-stars out of established names...it's so fucking gutless. In this de-nutted climate, the Beatles never would've gotten out of those leathery dive bars in Hamburg.