Update: Nicole Richie Arrested for DUI

I suppose I could've been a dick and put "Breaking News" up in the title, but I didn't, because to do so would've suggested that something important actually happened.

Yes kids, Nicole Richie has been nailed for DUI. TMZ reports that the rail-thin Simple Life star was spotted driving the wrong way on the 134 Freeway in Burbank, and was pulled over in the carpool lane by police. She was hauled into the station but tests for alcohol came up negative. Richie then admitted to having taken Vicodin and pot before getting in the vehicle.

So she got bombed out of her mind on pills and lettuce then climbed into her car and drove the wrong way down the freeway. Sounds like somebody needs a little attention. And a ham-on-rye with extra mayo (given that the booking sheet listed her weight as 85 lbs.).

Update: TMZ has tape of the 911 calls where motorists alerted police to Richie's erratic driving.

Denise Richards Tries to Kill an Old Lady

Apparently Charlie Sheen was a bigger influence on Denise Richards than we thought.

I offer as evidence the strange incident that took place Wednesday in Vancouver where the new movie Blonde and Blonder is shooting, in which Ms. Richards reportedly hurled a pair of laptops off a hotel balcony, striking a wheelchair-bound elderly woman in the arm with one of them. The laptops belonged to a pair of photographers whose presence was apparently irksome to Ms. Richards; still, that's no excuse for going ballistic and injuring aged bystanders.

That kind of irresponsible, destructive behavior is best left to coked-up, sex-crazed actors like Charlie Sheen, and is very unbecoming in a woman of Ms. Richards' caliber.

Ha!

By the way, you know what the best part of the laptop incident was? The Mounties! That's right. When the old lady took the computer in the arm, somebody called in the Mounted Police. No word yet on whether Denise or co-star Pam Anderson got any action out of it, but knowing those two whores...

Naomi Campbell is Satan. Bow Down, Ye Unworthy Scum.

Out-of-control supermodull Naomi Campbell is in trouble with the law yet again.

Campbell, who is already the subject of a on-going assault case involving her housekeeper and a flung phone, has been been arrested in London for allegedly attacking her drug counselor.

The unnamed therapist, who must think she doesn't get paid nearly enough at this point, filed a complaint against Campbell at a central London police station on Wednesday, alleging that Campbell had scratched her all over the face.

A spokesperson for Campbell says it is all a "misunderstanding" that will be "sorted out when the police investigate."

I would suggest locking Campbell up and throwing away the key, but at this point I don't think it would do any good. She would just melt the bars by grabbing onto them and get away.

Nothing short of an exorcism is going to cure this flaming bitch.

Mary-Kate Olsen Gets a Parking Ticket

Mary-Kate Olsen discovers a parking-ticket on her windshield after a trip to Neil George Salon in Beverly Hills. And her ticket from the fashion-police will be arriving in the mail any day now (please tell me flannel isn't making a comeback).

Snipes Indicted For Tax Fraud. Charges Are Still Pending Over His Involvement in Demolition Man.

Blade star Wesley Snipes is staring down the barrel of a 16-year prison sentence after being indicted on 8 counts of tax fraud.

Federal prosecutors allege that Snipes, over the course of several years, has fraudulently claimed income tax refunds amounting to $12 million dollars, and that between the years of 1999 and 2004 he failed to file a tax return at all.

Snipes was allegedly involved with an outfit called American Rights Litigators, which would help its clients file the phony returns in exchange for 20% of the ill-gotten money.

Sounds like a sweet deal. Anybody have their number?