Janice Dickinson Breaks Windshield With Head, Isn't Hurt

Pathetic exhibitionist Janice Dickinson, her assistant, make-up artist and stylist were the victims of a hit-and-run on the 405 Freeway in California late Tuesday night, TMZ is reporting. According to authorities, Dickinson, who was wearing a seat-belt (so at least she has that much sense), was thrown forward during the incident and struck her head on the windshield, suffering a concussion. All occupants of the vehicle were taken to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, but were given the all-clear by doctors and released, including Dickinson who is reported to be fine. The identity of the hit-and-run driver is not known.

I don't need to bother making a joke about Dickinson cracking a windshield with her skull and barely feeling it, do I? Or some other lame gag about how the driver of the other vehicle must've been overcome by the crotch-fumes issuing from Dickinson's car and momentarily lost consciousness? Or concoct some rant about how Janice Dickinson is a drug-addled has-been who spreads her legs at the drop of a hat? No. I didn't think so.

Everyone Keeps Picking On Naomi Campbell

Tantrum-prone supermodel Naomi Campbell has attacked a lot of people in her day, but according to Naomi, she's the one with the big fat bullseye on her forehead.

What? You mean somebody beaned Naomi with a phone too? No. What Naomi means is that all the accusations leveled against her are unfair, and the people who say she verbally and physically assaulted them are just out to get her.

"I just feel like I am a target," Campbell tells Sky News. "People have told me for months and years, 'You're a target' but it's only just kind of sunk in that I am a target."

What's sunk in for me is that you should be working at Target, but I digress. The point, Naomi, is that you, like so many other celebs who are guilty of something but can't simply take responsibility, are trying to turn the tables on your accusers, and of course on the media, who are always the villains when shit like this goes down.

"It's been really like a tough year in terms of like the accusations and stuff like that," Naomi says. "It's been very hurtful and blown out of proportion."

It's been blown out of proportion. The obligatory dig at the press. Can't these idiots come up with anything new to blame for their troubles?

Maybe it's your fucking feng shui rocks not blocking enough bad spirits. Or maybe it's just that you're an over-indulged, arrogant, out-of-control cunt who can't keep her hands off other people.

Of course Naomi goes on in full poor-little-me mode:

"...I can't stop getting on with my life. ... I can't pay too much attention to this negative stuff. I don't like to live in the negative. I like to stay in the present moment and stay positive."

No Naomi. No one likes to live in the negative. And no one likes having a phone-shaped welt in the middle of their face either.

Huggy Bitches

Actress Eva Mendes snuggles with model/tsunami-survivor Petra Nemcova. I'm a big admirer of Petra. I think it's wonderful and heroic, how far she's been able to get in life despite having Down Syndrome. You go girl.

Today in Terrifying: Naomi Campbell Wants Kids

Now and again one happens upon a piece of news that makes one's very soul shudder with its implications. Well, this is one of those stories. The kind of thing that makes us wonder why God doesn't intervene on behalf of the screwed-up human race or maybe just wipe us all out and start over again with the worms or the mosquitoes or Kevin Federline.

And what, exactly, could be so horrible that it would make the very Lord consider taking a personal interest? How about Naomi Campbell wanting to settle down and have kids?

Horror of horrors: the most insufferably cunty woman on the face of the earth (with the possible exception of Nancy Pelosi) is reportedly "desperate" to find a man, co-habitate with or perhaps even marry the poor dope, and become impregnated by him. The problem for Naomi is that...well, I'll let one of Naomi's own "friends" tell it:

Naomi has always had a reputation of being demanding but there are many reasons why she's struggled to settle down. When she became famous, she was allowed to behave like a needy child and had people like Gianni Versace protecting her. Getting older means she has to deal with her issues.

Translation: No man will have Naomi because they all know what a world-class ball-busting bitch she is.

Looks like it's the turkey baster for Naomi. She's in luck though. They're having a sale over at the sperm bank. Demon-seed is 30% off.

Naomi Campbell Edges Ever Closer to Damnation

Naomi Campbell, aka Satan, is being accused of physical assault once again, this time by a former maid who says the out-of-control supermodel hit her as well as verbally abused her.

The suit, the second one leveled by Campbell's ex-employee Gaby Gibson, calls Campbell a "super-bigot," which we all know is much worse than a regular bigot.

A sampling of Campbell's verbal abuse of Gibson includes such phrases as, "You are not in the Third World anymore, stupid," and "Romanians are not usually as dumb as you." Gibson also says that Campbell "kicked or punched the back of her head" while she was searching for a pair of missing pants that Campbell had threatened to accuse Gibson of stealing.

Well, which was it Gaby? Did she kick you or punch you? You're lucky she didn't nail you with a phone.

This Campbell bitch, she's a pip isn't she? I mean, it's one thing to have a snotty attitude, but this broad, she's going for Cunt of the Decade. I mean, she's such a heinous beast that I heard Paul McCartney is considering marrying her.

Naomi Campbell is Satan. Bow Down, Ye Unworthy Scum.

Out-of-control supermodull Naomi Campbell is in trouble with the law yet again.

Campbell, who is already the subject of a on-going assault case involving her housekeeper and a flung phone, has been been arrested in London for allegedly attacking her drug counselor.

The unnamed therapist, who must think she doesn't get paid nearly enough at this point, filed a complaint against Campbell at a central London police station on Wednesday, alleging that Campbell had scratched her all over the face.

A spokesperson for Campbell says it is all a "misunderstanding" that will be "sorted out when the police investigate."

I would suggest locking Campbell up and throwing away the key, but at this point I don't think it would do any good. She would just melt the bars by grabbing onto them and get away.

Nothing short of an exorcism is going to cure this flaming bitch.

Scarlett and Gisele at ShowStudio's Bal Masque for Photographer Nick Knight

So who's hotter boys?

Meow.

A Cyndi Lauper costume? Huh?

Crabbie's Quickies: K-Fed Body-Slammed; Kate Moss Lays Down the Law; Aniston and Vaughn Still Plugging Along

Here's Kevin Federline being body-slammed at some kind of goofy pro-wrestling event:

How vaguely homo-erotic.

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Kate Moss is trying to clean up would-be fiance Pete Doherty's act.

Here's a list of self-improvement tasks Moss has charged her drug-addled squeeze with, that he might one day make himself worthy of her wash-out supermodel love:

1. Stop hanging out with dirt-bags (I guess that would include his bandmates)
2. Stop using drugs (good luck there sweetie)
3. Start eating properly (no more deep-fried Twinkies at two in the morning)
4. Spend two hours a day writing poetry and music (or picking your bellybutton if you don't feel up to these)
5. Call your little Katie-kins three times a day (that one smarts)
6. Stop flirting with groupies (again, good luck)

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Jennifer Aniston has told Oprah Winfrey that she and Vince Vaughn are still together.

Meanwhile, Vince is threatening to sue several tabloids that claimed he was caught messing around with some ho at a charity event earlier this month.

Dispelling rumors of a break-up on Oprah, taking tabloids to court over unfounded stories - ah, young love.

The Dalai Phila?

Model Elle MacPherson is no longer a completely self-absorbed twit - thanks to a therapy session with that noted head-shrinker the Dalai Lama.

MacPherson, who was once considered hot but is now just another BoToxed old turd, got so bent out of shape over fellow empty-cranium Heidi Klum stealing her nickname "The Body" that she was even considering legal action. Then, according to MacPherson, a once-in-a-lifetime meeting changed her perspective.

"A few people have made me stop in my tracks," says MacPherson, "and the Dalai Lama would be one of them."

Now, thanks to the Lama's divine presence filtering into her body, MacPherson no longer cares if Klum uses her nickname.

I'd suggest that the Dalai Lama set up a meeting with Naomi Campbell, but I'm afraid two minutes with that bitch would cause even His Holiness to forsake pacifism.