Jessica Simpson Looks Like A Retard

This is Jessica Simpson in her new movie, How To Look Like A Mental Patient Without Really Trying (actually it's called Blonde Ambition, but I like my title better). It's a good thing Jessica's wearing that helmet. Wouldn't want anything to happen to her head. You know, cause then she wouldn't be able to wear hats.

Posh Spice Set to Play Alien. Typecasting.

Walking toxic dump Poshy Spice Beckham is apparently ready to make the leap from fashionista to movie star, and she's got somebody really big-time on her side - Tom Cruise.

So all that helping Katie stuff wasn't just out of the kindness of her heart - she had an ulterior motive. She wants to be in the movies. And it looks like she's going to get her wish. Because Tom Cruise wants to make a Scientology movie, and he's got Poshy lined up as one of his stars.

Now, you would've thought that after the debacle that was Battlefield: Earth, John Travolta's adaptation of L. Ron Hubbard's space opera, people would be a tad reluctant to take on another big sci-fi project having anything to do with Scientology or its late founder. But Tom apparently is not. Probably because he lives in his own reality where, if he thinks something is a good idea, it has to be a good idea.

And what exactly is Tom's good idea? Well, it's a sci-fi story - just as we would've suspected. And not just any sci-fi story, but one that goes right to the core of Scientology. Specifically, the idea that, within each living human, resides an alien spirit called a thetan. Tom wants to make a movie about the leader of these alien spirits, and he wants his wife Katie's pal Poshy to play the leader's wife.

And Poshy is said to be very excited about this. Why? Because she thinks this is going to be her big break in Hollywood.

Apparently Poshy never saw Battlefield: Earth either. And never saw herself in Spice World, her less-than-stellar film debut.

Does she realize Tom is basically box-office poison at this point? That the reason Tom is planning to finance this picture himself is because no one in Hollywood is insane enough to give him any money?

Can you say disaster waiting to happen?

And oh, by the way, another little tidbit. Apparently, Tom got really enthused about the idea of Poshy playing the part of the alien leader's wife after witnessing her "comic genius." One wonders what Poshy did to convince Tom of this talent. Was she trying to be funny at the time, or did she just slip on some dog-shit or say something stupid? And does Tom Cruise realize that declaring Posh Spice a "comic genius" does not reassure any of us as to the firmness of his grasp on reality?

I can't wait to see this movie. It's going to be the greatest thing since Zardoz.

Doggie Doggie Upchuck Edition: Sarah Michelle Gellar On-Location

It's Buffy herself, Sarah Michelle Gellar, on the set of her new movie Suburban Girl. Yummy yummy doggie chunks Sarah Michelle.

Two Kates and a Mary-Kate

Kate Beckinsale goes for a stroll. Aren't those Bono's old glasses? No sign of a bald-spot this time, anyway.

Kate Bosworth, ironically posed next to a snack-stand. She looks slightly less like a vampire than Beckinsale. And speaking of the undead...

Yup, it's Mary-Kate Olsen, guarding her face from the burning rays of the sun.

"Ah. Curse you sun. One day I will buy you, and then I will douse you in a big bucket of water, and then I will get my hair dyed and pose for vaguely erotic pictures with my sister."

The Ghoulishness of Bosworth

Food-averse Kate Bosworth on the set of her movie The Girl in the Park. And what is the girl doing in the park? Eating with the pigeons, it would seem.

A Little Romance for Sandler and Biel

Adam Sandler and Jessica Biel play a romantic scene for their new movie I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. Only in a movie could a booger-eating dweeb like Sandler nail a grade-A piece of ass like Biel.

Wednesday Pic Post: All Skanks On Deck

Angelina Jolie partakes of decadent Western food while on location shooting her new movie A Mighty Heart. Angelina really cares about the poor, downtrodden people - but has no problem starring in a movie partly financed, via product placement, by a faceless corporation that exploits workers and contributes to the worldwide obesity epidemic. Oh well, we all make our accommodations.

Lindsay Lohan at the Casino Royale after-party. Is it just me, or does she seem a tad lost?

Dirty whore Christina Aguilera promotes her "Back to Basics" tour in London. What does getting back to basics mean for Christina? No more ball-gags and harnesses?

Reese Witherspoon working on her new movie Rendition. The fake smile doesn't fool us, Reese. We know you're nothing but a seethingly angry little midget, and that's why Ryan fucked around on you.

Longoria Shoots Down Lesbo Movie Role Story

TV actress Eva Longoria is refuting widespread stories of her desire to appear alongside Beyonce in a movie adaptation of the novel Tipping the Velvet, in which Longoria and Beyonce would play lesbian lovers.

"Stop the madness," says the diminutive Desperate Housewives sexpot. "Believe me, I would love to work with Beyonce one day. She's so talented. But this is definitely not something we are doing together. It's completely and absolutely not true."

Hmm. She says she would "love to work with Beyonce one day." So by that she means "I would love to lick Beyonce all over and then go down on her." At least that's how I read it. And when she says, "she's so talented," she obviously means, "she has an ass I dream about burying my teeth in." And when she says, "this is definitely not something we are doing together," she really means, "we are going up to the lake this weekend to rent a cabin and are going to drink lots of booze and have wild lesbian sex with seven other women and then we are going to dress up as Indian maidens and sacrifice a wild boar and partake of its tender flesh, and then are going to strip each other naked on the sand and get our antique ivory strap-ons out and pleasure each other in ways too numerous to mention until dawn."

Or something like that.

Lesbo Action Update: Beyonce and Eva Longoria to Tip the Velvet?

Two hot young chicks getting all lesbo in a period film would seem to be the newest fad in Hollywood.

First there was news of Lindsay Lohan and Keira Knightley preparing to make goo-goo eyes at each other in a flick about Dylan Thomas, now booty-shaking singer Beyonce Knowles and doey-eyed TV star Eva Longoria appear ready to team up for a little simulated muff-diving of their own in an adaptation of the "raunchy" period novel Tipping the Velvet.

"Yes it's true," confirms Ms. Longoria, "we're talking about doing that. It's such a wonderful novel, a beautiful love story."

And Beyonce chimes in thusly: "We've had Brokeback Mountain so the time is right for this divine novel to get the same treatment."

So there you go, lesbo-loving straight men. Eva Longoria and Beyonce Knowles slurping each other.

On your marks, get set, masturbate...

But hold on a second - isn't this all just a cheap way of trying to sell period films to men? I mean, straight guys - is there any other way most of you could ever be dragged away from televised sporting events to watch a bunch of people prancing around in pantaloons? Seems pretty crass to me.

Yes, you can go back to your salami slapping now. Sickos.

Daniel Craig, Dinosaur Hunter

New James Bond Daniel Craig must have a soft-spot for fossils, cause he thinks fellow Casino Royale star Judi Dench is stunning.

Or, maybe he's just been masturbating too much and is suffering some loss of eyesight.

Let's let Craig tell his side of the story. Says the latest incarnation of 007, "[Dench] has the naughtiest eyes in showbusiness. She looks you straight in the eye and is stunning."

Unfortunately she also has a wrinkled, dried-up old dinosaur vagina. But maybe Daniel doesn't care about vaginas.

Do you care about vaginas Daniel? Cause if you don't, that would be just fabulous.

Will Ferrell is a Mad Man

Funnyman Will Ferrell attends the premiere of his big new movie Stranger Than Fiction. What you want to do here is politely steer the lunatic away from other people and into some area where you can detain him until the folks from the looney bin show up.

Denise Richards Tries to Kill an Old Lady

Apparently Charlie Sheen was a bigger influence on Denise Richards than we thought.

I offer as evidence the strange incident that took place Wednesday in Vancouver where the new movie Blonde and Blonder is shooting, in which Ms. Richards reportedly hurled a pair of laptops off a hotel balcony, striking a wheelchair-bound elderly woman in the arm with one of them. The laptops belonged to a pair of photographers whose presence was apparently irksome to Ms. Richards; still, that's no excuse for going ballistic and injuring aged bystanders.

That kind of irresponsible, destructive behavior is best left to coked-up, sex-crazed actors like Charlie Sheen, and is very unbecoming in a woman of Ms. Richards' caliber.

Ha!

By the way, you know what the best part of the laptop incident was? The Mounties! That's right. When the old lady took the computer in the arm, somebody called in the Mounted Police. No word yet on whether Denise or co-star Pam Anderson got any action out of it, but knowing those two whores...

Hilary Swank Injured in Hilarious Way (But We Still Feel Sorry For Her. Right?)

Oscar-winning tranny Hilary Swank suffered a boo-boo Thursday while on the set of her new movie P.S., I Love You.

A description of the injury from People's website:

During a scene with costar Gerard Butler, in which the actor performs a striptease for Swank, Butler's suspenders became snagged and hit the actress on her forehead, a source tells PEOPLE. Swank received medical treatment, which included sutures for the cut, and filming was halted.

Damn. That must be some powerful voodoo Chad Lowe whipped up on that pseudo-bitch.

By the way, Hilary is said to be in good spirits and will return to work on Monday.

Adam Sandler is Gay

Adam Sandler gets in touch with his inner homo on the set of his movie I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. Mmm, a gay Adam Sandler. Not really my fantasy. Too many poop jokes.

Lesbo Time For Keira and Lindsay?

Anybody who likes semi-lesbo action between hot young starlets will want to pay attention to this next item. Okay? Ready?

Keira Knightley and Lindsay Lohan are set to star together in a new movie about poet Dylan Thomas, and it's reported that their characters, "are attracted to each other."

Says Lindsay to MTV News about the film, "[Keira's character] is older than me, but she kind of has a mysterious relationship with my lover. And there's somewhat of a lesbian undertone."

I'm guessing I just made at least one person's day. You can thank me later.