Britney Unhinged

Just how unhinged is Britney Spears? Is she suffering from some kind of pedestrian, drug-fueled, stressed-out madness, or is she legitimately bonkers? Like padded-room bonkers. Strait-jacket bonkers. Does she belong in a psycho-ward instead of rehab? Would shock-treatments help? What exactly is going on with that girl? Nobody knows. Except the British tabloid News of the World, which has all the dope on Britney's breakdown. Everything that happened from the time she confronted Federline up till now. And details about Britney's psychological state even before the umbrella meltdown? They've got those too. They've got everything. It all sounds like bullshit, but they've got it.

All right, where to start? Well, how about the Federline confrontation. We all knew that, the night of the umbrella incident, Britney went to see Federline, and there was some kind of fight that ended in Britney being convinced to re-enter rehab lest she lose her children. What we didn't know is that, having been turned away by Federline because she was acting so crazy and scaring the kids, Britney called Kevin and offered him $200,000 in exchange for dropping the emergency hearing he wanted to hold. Kevin, loving fellow that he is, turned down the money, and insisted Britney get serious about rehab instead. And she has been in treatment ever since.

But will that treatment be enough? Friends of Britney fear entering rehab is really just a way of avoiding more serious options. Like commitment to a psychiatric institution. Britney's pals have related harrowing stories of her behavior in recent weeks. Says one friend:

She spends every night in floods of tears. She lies there, sobbing her heart out to the blackness. You can hear her crying and crying with these deep sobs that echo around the house. Her security guards have to listen to it because she's got them sleeping outside her room—she's that fearful for her own safety. Then in the morning she gets up and goes through her room and all her belongings to search for bugs. She's convinced that everyone is out to get her and that her thoughts are being recorded. And the smallest thing can set off a fully-blown panic attack. She gets this fearful look in her eyes and starts trembling all over, dripping with sweat and gasping for breath and she looks like she's going to faint at any time. It's absolutely terrifying to see. It is the behaviour of someone who has completely lost their mind.

Wow - Britney's batty. So batty in fact that Promises, the rehab center, has her on suicide watch. And allegedly, UCLA's psychiatric hospital has a bed reserved for her should she completely break down.

So is Britney really suicidal? We heard stories about her trying to kill herself by running in front of traffic, and being saved at the last minute by her pals. But, supposedly, that wasn't the end of her desperate behavior. Shortly after the traffic incident, Britney reportedly held up two bottles of Tylenol and screamed, "I'm gonna do this, this is it! I'm through with the whole fucking circus!" But one of Britney's friends was able to talk her out of doing herself in.

And then there's this: During Britney's first, one-day foray into Promises, the staff there suspected the singer had smuggled some cocaine into the facility, and therefore searched her. But what they found wasn't drugs; in fact it was more disturbing: a list Britney had written naming people she wanted to see dead, including Federline and certain members of the paparazzi. Said Britney's friend:

When the staff confronted her she just burst into tears. She was crying uncontrollably — she's now such a broken woman. They had to strip search her afterwards to make sure she didn't have drugs on her body. Then the list was quietly disposed of. Britney just turns this stuff over and over in her mind. She has dark fantasies about terrible things happening to her enemies.

Scary - if it's true. But I would tend to doubt a lot of it. It sounds like tabloid sensationalism to me. Of course, Britney's life has become so crazy, the reality may actually surpass the fabrications of yellow journalists. In time, we may learn that fiction has nothing on the truth.

Still More Vanity Fair Pics

Cameron Diaz. No more pot jokes. Let's make fun of her clothes instead. She looks like Columbo. "Book 'em, Dan-o." Oh wait, that was Hawaii Five-0.

I'm now less disturbed by the influence of Scientology on Katie than that of Poshy. I think Poshy was the one who taught her to keep this expression on her face. It's supposed to be Katie's "serious" look, but she can't do it right, so it just looks like her shoes hurt. Or maybe her shoes just hurt. Or maybe she's got that ringing in her ear that comes whenever the behavioral inhibitor chip kicks in.

All right, why is the light on Biel's face the same color as her dress? She didn't have someone following her around with a colored light, did she? And is that the same dress she wore to the ceremony? Aren't stylish ladies supposed to change? Cameron did. I guess Jessica figured her dress was functional enough that she didn't mind traipsing around in it all night. Some of those dresses, you can't even walk in (I'm told).

Sean Penn kind of laughs at Sacha Baron Cohen. You just know they're discussing how ignorant and gullible Americans are. They both hate America. Oh, and look at how admiringly Isla Fisher gazes at Sacha. She thinks he's brilliant. Why? Cause he has a British accent? What an airhead. I mean Isla. And Penn too.

Beyonce, Oprah and Mary J. Blige. Beyonce's boobs are trying to make contact with Oprah's it appears. There's some kind of weird boob-telepathy going on. Maybe Oprah's boobs are telling Beyonce's not to be jealous of Jennifer Hudson's. Face it Beyonce, Jennifer's a better singer than you, a better actress than you, and her boobs are finer. Honestly, name one thing you have that's better than Jennifer. The ass? All right, I'll give you the ass. But after the ass? Your weave? Your armpits? What?

Beyonce - what a loser.

Robert Downey, Jr. makes out with a woman who is apparently his wife Susan. This is real progress for them. Not long ago, Susan couldn't hope to distract Downey from his coke. Now if she waves her hands around vigorously, she sometimes manages to catch his attention.

Oh look, it's Madonna and Gwyneth. My, my - two little English lasses sharing a spot of fun. Well, cheerio to them. Hoist another pint then, eh lassies? Put another shrimp on the barbie...er, no, that's Australia. Hmm, let's see - how 'bout some bangers and hash? Fish and chips? Damn, Kevin Kline was right about the English in A Fish Called Wanda - they are fucking lame.

Brandon Davis Is The Biggest Creep On Earth

Paris Hilton may finally have wised-up about her buddy Brandon Davis. Or, I hope she's wised-up. After what went down at Paris's 26th birthday party, she better have wised-up. Because anyone who keeps a friend around who behaves like such an unconscionable boor - well, that person deserves whatever misery is heaped upon their flitty little head.

So what did Brandon do, anyway, to finally convince Paris to show him the door? The petroleum-secreting oil heir did nothing less than completely ruin Paris's party. According to reports, Paris's parents shelled out an outrageous sum to arrange the shindig at the Rodeo Drive restaurant Prime Grill - they allegedly spent $10,000 on the flowers alone. All went swimmingly at first - Paris was radiant, Stavros Niarchos on her arm, her bud Nicole Richie and boyfriend Joel Madden by her side. Then the trouble began. Around 10 p.m., Brandon, surely bombed out of his mind on something, began his attempt to set an all-time record for most revolting behavior.

The first target of Davis's inebriated foolishness was Paula Abdul, who was there to sing "Happy Birthday" to Paris. For some reason Davis began pelting Paula with flowers, then started pegging styrofoam flower-holders at her, and was heard saying, "Lick my [bleep], Paula." Then he raised the ante by speaking nonsense in an Arabic accent, mocking Paula's ethnic heritage. At this point Paris and Stavros tried shutting him up, but Paula had already had enough and was out the door (without singing). But wait, it gets better. Having finished with Paula, Davis then set his sights on Courtney Love, who was at the party with her 15-year-old daughter Frances Bean. According to a witness, Brandon "lifted [Courtney] up so that she was straddling his waist. ... Her Chanel dress was riding up. Brandon was saying, 'I want to squirt on you.' He was humping Courtney in front of her daughter... When he put her down, Courtney grabbed Frances and they marched out of the restaurant through the kitchen."

So Brandon was 2-for-2. But there would be no more conquests for the King of Assholes this night. Paris finally got upset with him after he knocked over some candles and glasses - she screamed at her mother, "This is not my fault!" Brandon was then talked into leaving, and the party was allowed to finish. Afterward, Paris and her buds went to her house for some further revelry (a website will soon have the pictures, I'm sure). An undaunted Brandon reportedly showed up there too, but Paris's security people had been told by this time to keep him away, and he was escorted out. There has been no official statement about the matter from either Paris's people or Brandon.

So, did Brandon Davis finally cross the line, and convince Paris Hilton to find a better class of friends? I'd like to think so, but I doubt it. The problem with Paris is that, deep-down, she was probably amused by Brandon's behavior. Had he done that stuff in a different setting, without her parents around, she probably would've laughed. But, her parents were there, so some kind of childish parent-pleasing reflex took over, compelling her to get upset. She had no choice but to have Brandon kicked out of the party, but it wouldn't shock me if, in a day or two, they're back together again, sliming all over each other. It's going to take more than one little embarrassment to break up that team. Because, let's face it, they're perfect for each other. Neither one has a drop of class, and both seem completely heartless and sadistic. They both live to mock and torment people. Davis is so bad that it wouldn't surprise me to hear he was whacking squirrels' heads off with a golf-club like Michael Skakel. This is how these people are - these privileged types. The rest of humanity is just there for their amusement. Of course, Paris isn't as bad as Davis. Paris at least has a little shame; Davis has none. The man is so repulsive and worthless that you can't even laugh when he torments Paula Abdul. He actually makes me feel for Paula. And even Courtney Love, who barely seems human anymore, becomes a sympathetic figure when Davis picks on her. I think Brandon Davis may have achieved his goal - he has become the most sickening, low, vile piece of refuse in the universe. He's even worse than Russell Crowe.

More Vanity Fair After-Party Pics

Ellen Degeneres and Jamie Foxx. Well Ellen, at least you made someone laugh last night...

(Foxx totally wants a three way with Ellen and Portia).

Ron Howard talks to Jay Leno. I heard Ron was thinking of doing a re-make of The Elephant Man. Leno would be perfect for the lead - wouldn't even have to make him up.

Madonna and Forest Whitaker. Sorry Madonna, you can't adopt him. Angelina beat you to it.

Nicole Kidman, Meryl Streep, Mary J. Blige and Oprah Winfrey. That's some girl-power there, kids. There's also a yin-yang quality to this picture, isn't there? And damn - look at Oprah's boobs. What, was she trying to out-bazoom Jennifer Hudson? Maybe they should've had Oprah sing that song with Jennifer during the ceremony. Then poor Beyonce wouldn't have had to pop a blood vessel in her head.

Isla Fisher aka Sacha Baron Cohen's squeeze cozies up to Portia de Rossi. You know Cohen sent Isla over to ask Portia for a three-way. All right, that's two three-way jokes about Portia de Rossi. I apologize.

Spike Lee and Orlando Bloom? What, was some photographer going around the room just randomly throwing people together?

I see Orlando still hasn't gotten hold of a comb. Judging by his eyes, I'd say he did get his hands on some blow, though. And apparently that wasn't all Orlando got his hands on over the weekend - according to the Daily Mirror, Orlando's mitts were pretty damn busy at the Soho House pre-Oscar party too. Busy with Penelope Cruz, who was seen having drinks with him in a corner, and then with Ray Winston's daughter Jaime, whom Orlando took to a tucked-away spot after Penelope left. Both young women, it's reported, were treated to a good deal of groping, and gave their share back as well. But the winner was Penelope, who was seen in Orlando's arms Saturday night at the Chateau Marmont.

Britney Needs Her Privacy - And Is Willing To Pay For It

Britney Spears is sick of people bugging her, and that includes the people in rehab. So, to insure privacy while she "cleans up," Spears has done something drastic - demand that the Promises rehab center clear an entire wing of other patients so she can be alone.

"She wants all the rooms on her wing," said an inside source. "It will cost her hundreds of thousands (of dollars)."

If I were the Promises people, I'd just do it. The last thing you want is Britney busting through your office door waving an umbrella around. Of course, it's sort of a shitty deal for the other patients, who will now have to find another rehab facility or double-up. Maybe Britney could see her way clear to compensate these folks for their trouble. Send a little cash their way, or maybe do some freebie auto detailing. She's great with SUVs.

Alan Arkin Should Adopt Britney Spears

Alan Arkin is not only an Oscar-winner and a Hollywood legend, he is also a man of eminent good sense. He proved this last night on the red-carpet by his comments about Little Miss Sunshine co-star Abigail Breslin, who was up for Best Supporting Actress. Here's what Arkin said when asked about Breslin's chances for winning the award:

I hope she loses frankly. No, I'm serious. I am not joking ... What, next year she is going to get the Nobel Prize? It's enough. She has had enough attention. ... I love her and I love her family; and I feel enough is enough. ... She is a kid; she needs to have a childhood.

How much better off would poor rehabbing Britney be if her parents had taken the same attitude? Kudos, Alan Arkin.

(P.S. - Some of you are going to be cheesed about Arkin's "I hope she loses" comment. You're going to say things like, "How could he be so mean to a little girl?" But, all Arkin's saying is that the transient joy from winning an award is nothing compared to being truly happy and fulfilled in life. There are too many people who think little empty accomplishments matter. That's why people sue school systems when they think their kids have been robbed out of the Valedictorian. Who cares? Always striving for a meaningless, temporary sense of gratification will ultimately make you miserable. Arkin speaks the truth. And the world is full of dolts who don't get that Oscars mean nothing.)

Where The Non-Elite Meet - To Wallow In Their Sucky Loserness

So what do you do if you can't get into the Oscars? You get yourself into one of the various viewing parties/dinners/celebrations that take place the same evening. That's where all the non-invited D-listers hang. Of course, a lot of them are charity events, like Elton John's AIDS Foundation thing. That's so the losers can fool themselves into thinking they're doing something good when all they're really doing is stewing in jealousy.

Sheryl Crow at Elton John's AIDS Foundation Academy Awards Viewing Dinner. Things have gone south for Sheryl since Lance ditched her. No reason to fret it though, Sheryl. So Lance would rather "work out" with Jake Gyllenhaal than be with you. Can you blame him?

Emmy Rossum at Elton's event. I want to make fun of her but I can't. She's so pretty even an irascible old queer like me can't help but go silent in admiration.

On the opposite side of the spectrum from Emmy Rossum, it's semen-encrusted porn slut Jenna Jameson, attending something called The Night of 100 Stars Oscar Gala. All right, somebody explain to me - why do people think the scrawny-chick-with-big-fake-tits thing is hot? Pamela Anderson and this broad - gross. Sometimes heteros just make no sense to me (any straight man who would rather have this beast than Emmy Rossum is plain dumb).

Sharon Stone at Elton's. Is it just me or has she been looking a bit like Liz Hurley lately? You know, I think there's an auction at that Elton John deal - and we all know Sharon loves conducting auctions.

By the way, yesterday was a big day for Sharon too - she won Best Actress at the Razzies, and Basic Instinct 2 won Best Picture. I still liked her best as the bitchy actress in Irreconcilable Differences. Now that's going way back.

Rachel Leigh Cook at Entertainment Weekly's viewing party. Is she still in show-biz? She sort of peaked with that one anti-drug PSA where she went nuts with the frying pan. "This is your brain, this is your brain on drugs." I had no idea being on drugs was like a no-name starlet flaking out in your kitchen. Very informative.

Bai Ling at Elton's. Come on - let Bai Ling into the Oscars. She's what that stodgy mess needs. Hell, let her host it. She could do some kind of bizarro Oriental musical number that degenerates into a kinky striptease. Then ten bronzed musclemen could descend from the rafters in little gondolas and begin simulating sex-acts with each other while Bai straddles a giant dildo. The FCC's phone-system would crash, but it would be worth it.

Haylie Duff and Lance Bass at the "Envelope Please" viewing party. Psst, Lance. That's not a dude...

Dita Von Teese at Elton's. She's doing her old-timey thing again. Oh, give it a rest Dita - you're not one of the Andrews Sisters. Yes, I know - she has style. She also had Marilyn Manson's weenie inside her. Not that she could tell...

(Dirty Disher's gonna kill me for that one. Oh well...)

Tara Reid, also at Elton's. Tara's just glad to be anywhere - as long as there's booze. And nice soft carpeting.

Poshy at Elton's. What? Poshy couldn't get into the Oscars? You mean her good buddy Tom couldn't pull any strings for her and get her a seat? So she had to hang out at the same place as Tara Reid and Sheryl Crow? Ha! So much for Poshy "taking over Hollywood." Bitch can't even get a seat in the nose-bleed section at the Kodak. Wow, what a bring-down for Poshy. Europe's biggest celebutard barely makes the D-list in the States. And you know she was just pissed as hell about it too. Probably broke some crystal. The delusional no-clout slag.