Where The Non-Elite Meet - To Wallow In Their Sucky Loserness

So what do you do if you can't get into the Oscars? You get yourself into one of the various viewing parties/dinners/celebrations that take place the same evening. That's where all the non-invited D-listers hang. Of course, a lot of them are charity events, like Elton John's AIDS Foundation thing. That's so the losers can fool themselves into thinking they're doing something good when all they're really doing is stewing in jealousy.

Sheryl Crow at Elton John's AIDS Foundation Academy Awards Viewing Dinner. Things have gone south for Sheryl since Lance ditched her. No reason to fret it though, Sheryl. So Lance would rather "work out" with Jake Gyllenhaal than be with you. Can you blame him?

Emmy Rossum at Elton's event. I want to make fun of her but I can't. She's so pretty even an irascible old queer like me can't help but go silent in admiration.

On the opposite side of the spectrum from Emmy Rossum, it's semen-encrusted porn slut Jenna Jameson, attending something called The Night of 100 Stars Oscar Gala. All right, somebody explain to me - why do people think the scrawny-chick-with-big-fake-tits thing is hot? Pamela Anderson and this broad - gross. Sometimes heteros just make no sense to me (any straight man who would rather have this beast than Emmy Rossum is plain dumb).

Sharon Stone at Elton's. Is it just me or has she been looking a bit like Liz Hurley lately? You know, I think there's an auction at that Elton John deal - and we all know Sharon loves conducting auctions.

By the way, yesterday was a big day for Sharon too - she won Best Actress at the Razzies, and Basic Instinct 2 won Best Picture. I still liked her best as the bitchy actress in Irreconcilable Differences. Now that's going way back.

Rachel Leigh Cook at Entertainment Weekly's viewing party. Is she still in show-biz? She sort of peaked with that one anti-drug PSA where she went nuts with the frying pan. "This is your brain, this is your brain on drugs." I had no idea being on drugs was like a no-name starlet flaking out in your kitchen. Very informative.

Bai Ling at Elton's. Come on - let Bai Ling into the Oscars. She's what that stodgy mess needs. Hell, let her host it. She could do some kind of bizarro Oriental musical number that degenerates into a kinky striptease. Then ten bronzed musclemen could descend from the rafters in little gondolas and begin simulating sex-acts with each other while Bai straddles a giant dildo. The FCC's phone-system would crash, but it would be worth it.

Haylie Duff and Lance Bass at the "Envelope Please" viewing party. Psst, Lance. That's not a dude...

Dita Von Teese at Elton's. She's doing her old-timey thing again. Oh, give it a rest Dita - you're not one of the Andrews Sisters. Yes, I know - she has style. She also had Marilyn Manson's weenie inside her. Not that she could tell...

(Dirty Disher's gonna kill me for that one. Oh well...)

Tara Reid, also at Elton's. Tara's just glad to be anywhere - as long as there's booze. And nice soft carpeting.

Poshy at Elton's. What? Poshy couldn't get into the Oscars? You mean her good buddy Tom couldn't pull any strings for her and get her a seat? So she had to hang out at the same place as Tara Reid and Sheryl Crow? Ha! So much for Poshy "taking over Hollywood." Bitch can't even get a seat in the nose-bleed section at the Kodak. Wow, what a bring-down for Poshy. Europe's biggest celebutard barely makes the D-list in the States. And you know she was just pissed as hell about it too. Probably broke some crystal. The delusional no-clout slag.