Paris Ripped Off

Someone broke into Paris Hilton's house and made away with $2 million in jewelry and other shit. Maybe it's a coincidence, but one of Crabbie's secret sources just saw Brandon Davis crossing the Mexican border in a car loaded with big garbage bags.

Brandon Davis Attacks Pink...'s Car

Some people are just flat out destructive. Like Brandon Davis. Everywhere he goes this guy spreads mayhem. He was leaving a liquor store next to The Viper Room the other night and the paps were bugging him and he tried to back up his Mercedes and wound up plowing into Pink's BMW. Pink came out and traded insurance information with Davis. They didn't have sex. Pink has better taste than that. I did sort of expect her to drive something cooler than a BMW though. The female Billy Idol should be rolling around on a Hog or something, right?

Flaming Homo?

Sean Penn could be a flaming homo. According to James Franco, the alleged manly man wasn't satisfied with the single kissing scene in the script for their movie Milk (which is not about Pam Anderson) and talked the director Gus Van Sant (who is definitely a real homo) into adding more sexy. Franco says:

A month after asked me to do it, they sent me another script, and on Page 5 there was a full-on love scene. And I was like, "Gus, what the heck?" He says, "Well, it was Sean's idea."

Sounds great...until you realize that it's Sean Penn. No, I'm not interested in seeing him get it on with James Franco, or anyone else for that matter. I'd rather watch Mickey Rourke have sex with a hippo. I'd rather enjoy Rosie O'Donnell's frolic with Jocelyn Wildenstein. I'd sooner witness sick sweaty lovemaking between Brandon Davis and his brother Jason.

No Greasy Bear Zone

An unnamed "high-end underground casino in West Hollywood" has added itself to the long list of places Brandon Davis is not allowed inside. That list already included all of Las Vegas, most of the big clubs in New York and L.A. and Paris Hilton's vagina. Soon Brandon will be reduced to passing out on the floors of dive bars full of toothless Vietnam vets and one-armed topless waitresses. Who am I kidding - he's already there. Until even those places begin throwing him out. Nobody likes a jerk Brandon.

Yet His Kneecaps Remain Intact

Brandon Davis is up to his fat neck in debt, and is also being accused of stealing credit cards and art as he tries desperately to cling to his jet-setting, grease-dripping lifestyle. A rundown of Davis's known crimes:

• Stole an American Express card from Carnegie Mellon heir Matthew Mellon and ran up a $110,000 bill.
• Ran up a $100,000 tab on student David Kur's bookie account. "He's a very messed-up person," Mr. Kur said. "I wish I'd never met him.
• Stole art from dealer Andy Valmorbida and a credit card number which he abused to the tune of $75,000.
• Owes large amounts of money to the Beverly Hills Hotel, art collector Eugenio Lopez and fashion designer Max Azria.

Wanna know the sad thing about this? Paris Hilton is apparently the only one who's smart enough to not hang around with this beast anymore. This guy is so slimy, I expect Anne Hathaway to begin dating him any day now.

New Delusions

Canadian psychologists have identified a new form of mental illness whereby nutcases come to believe they are living in a reality show that the entire rest of the world is watching. The disorder, dubbed "The Truman Show Delusion" after the Jim Carrey film, has afflicted five known people so far, all males between the ages of 25-34. "I realized that I was and am the center, the focus of attention by millions and millions of people," explained one of the loons. "My family and everyone I knew were and are actors in a script, a charade whose entire purpose is to make me the focus of the world's attention."

Sounds crazy. But not as crazy as these other 10 new delusions just identified by medical science:

"Alec Baldwin Delusion" - Sufferers tend to become pasty and bloated, and spend their days engaged in crazy political rants that no one listens to. May also verbally abuse family members.
"Perez Hilton Delusion" - Those afflicted with this particularly nasty mental disorder are plagued by the mistaken belief that they are hilariously funny. They also become absurdly litigious and begin to smell strongly of zit cream.
"Heath Ledger Delusion" - Sufferers believe they are dead.
"Madonna Delusion" - Veins begin protruding. All pigmentation disappears from the skin. Patients become obsessed with fad religions and develop romantic fixations on Latin athletes.
"Tom Cruise Delusion" - A belief that one has magic healing powers. Sufferers may also develop the intense desire to kidnap bland film actresses. Homosexual tendencies may develop, only to be severely repressed.
"Tara Reid Delusion" - You know, when no one gives a shit about you but you think you're famous. Also known as "Kristin Cavallari Disease" and "Brandon Davisism."
"Jocelyn Wildenstein Delusion" - Thinking you become more beautiful the more you resemble a person whose face was blown off in a propane tank explosion.
"John McCain Delusion" - The sufferer stoops more and more until he resembles a bridge troll. He then changes all his political positions in the wholly mistaken belief that this will get him elected president.
"Brad Pitt Delusion" - Thinking you're a man even though you haven't got a pair.
"Angelina Jolie Delusion" - Characterized by the intense desire to collect human beings of various ethnic backgrounds. This is followed by the overwhelming urge to have one's picture taken in refugee camps and disaster zones while dressed in native garb. Sufferers become so impervious to pain that they can laugh all the way through dangerous surgical procedures like C-sections. Weight loss may result in the patient coming to resemble a circus freak. The face may also become frozen in an expression of supreme self-satisfaction. The lips may bloat and the veins become prominent on the arms. Other symptoms may include the desire to have sexual relations with one's own siblings, an intense fascination with sharp objects and the need to steal other women's husbands and denut them.

Gummi Bear Rats Out Greasy

This is sorta funny...some crazy dude named Ralphige who makes a living pranking celebs called Jason Gummi Bear Davis and convinced him he was a drug dealer who was after Gummi's brother Brandon. Gummi, rather than stand up for his brother Greasy, completely ratted the bastard out, even giving the "drug dealer" Greasy's phone number. Gummi also hilariously claimed only to have tried cocaine a couple of times. Right Gum-Gum. And I've only nibbled a cookie or two in my life.

Hear Ralphige prank Jason Dummy Bear Davis:

boomp3.com

Brandon Davis is a Racist Creep

Brandon Davis commemorates the anniversary of Martin Luther King's assassination...by calling a black paparazzo a word that starts with "n" and isn't "narcoleptic."



Why couldn't some crazy redneck shoot Greasy Bear too?

Brandon Davis Steals Watch, Cries

Just when you thought Brandon Davis couldn't get any lower, he shows you that there is in fact no limit to how low he can go.

Davis, the cash-strapped oil heir, has pretty much alienated everyone in his life, including former pal Paris Hilton, who is so sick of Greasy that she recently barred him from entering an L.A. Fashion Week event she was participating in. Still, there was one guy left in the world who would give Brandon a place to crash - music producer Scott Storch.

I say "was" because, after what Davis did to Storch, I doubt the festering sore will be welcome within Storch's walls ever again. According to PageSix.com, Davis took advantage of Storch's hospitality recently by absconding with a $100,000 watch Scott was silly enough to leave sitting around while Davis was bivouacking on his sofa.

Storch, taking pity on Mr. Davis, elected not to call the police, but called Davis himself, and informed the Greasy one that he had caught the watch-theft with his new security cameras. Brandon reportedly started crying and begging Storch not to turn him in. Within the hour, Davis had returned the watch, and Storch let him off.

When reached for comment, Storch would only say enigmatically: "I heard about this. Give peace a chance."

Naw Scott...you should've had someone cap his ass.

Brandon Davis Drunk and Crazy Outside Paris Hilton's Fashion Show

This is Brandon Davis apparently trying to gain entry to some fashion show Paris Hilton had her name on. He can't get in, so he leaves. Some people can't take a hint.

Fur Flies Between Paris And Model

Victoria's Secret model Miranda Kerr has accused putrid heiress Paris Hilton of stealing a dress while the two were backstage together at a recent event. Kerr wrote on her blog:

I was standing by my clothes and [Paris] goes, "I want that dress," and she pointed to my dress … and she stole it.

Paris, Kerr says, was ultimately trumped by an even more vile and vicious bitch, Naomi Campbell, who coveted the dress Paris took, and had the event planner wrest it from her (that must've been some dress). Finally, Naomi Campbell does something positive for humanity. Too bad she couldn't have had someone beat Paris up in the process - or just beaten the bitch up herself.

The sub-plot of the Paris/Kerr unpleasantness concerns Brandon Davis, who was recently dating Kerr until she dumped him. Paris supposedly hates Kerr because of the way she treated Brandon, and her dress-snatching was therefore some kind of revenge tactic. I call total absolute bullshit on this! Paris now hates Greasy, because he's a loser who's always hitting everyone up for money, and would never stick up for him. She obviously just wanted that dress. And hates Kerr because Kerr is pretty, while she herself is a beak-nosed, wonky-eyed freak of nature.

Of course Kerr herself, beyond her superficial attractiveness, is no better than Paris. I mean, she slept with Brandon Davis for God's sake. That practically disqualifies her as a human being in my book.

(source)

The Year In Pictures: Brandon Davis's Hacking Fit

From January...Greasy Bear struggles to clear his airway while lying on the beach in Maui. Alas, he lived.

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Brandon Davis Fails Written Drivers Test

Perez Hilton reports that repugnant Brandon Davis was at the DMV in Van Nuys yesterday to take the written driving test - and failed it. Crabbie has now used his magic powers to obtain a copy of the test Greasy took, as well as his answers:

Q: How do you start a car?
A: Snort a line then tell the limo driver to step on it.

Q: What do you call the thing that makes a car stop?
A: A bum sleeping in the street.

Q: What is the proper signal for a left turn?
A: Scream "turn here motherfucker" into the driver's left ear.

Q: Where is the spare tire kept?
A: Wherever I threw it after I emptied out the trunk so I could fit the dead hooker's body in.

Q: Does your brother Jason have some kind of glandular condition or is he just a pig?
A: Are you fucking with me?

Q: Are these questions real or is the mushroom just starting to kick in?
A: I ate that mushroom three weeks ago. What the...

Q: How can you sweat so much when you barely move?
A: I'm Turkish fuckstick. We perspire...

Q: What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
A: African or European swallow?

(source)

Update: Paris And Greasy - Still Pals?

Paris Hilton hung out with Brandon Davis last night. Judging by this pic, I'd say Brandon asked Paris to borrow him some coke money. Either that or he scolded her for not letting his brother Gummi into her beach-party this weekend. Or maybe Paris, in a rare moment of self-reflection, just realized how empty her life was. Nah, he hit her up for cash. Broke-ass dirtball.

Update: Apparently it was Greasy's birthday last night. Someone scraped together the money to throw him a party at Mr. Chow. Paris did her duty by showing up, but split as soon as possible. Here's some funny video of Paris fleeing in her Bentley, leaving poor Greasy in the street:





Dude - take a hint.

Brandon And Jason Davis Are Poor

Oil heirs Jason and Brandon Davis have reportedly both been cut off without a cent by their family, and have been seen in L.A. recently attempting to cash checks written for "small amounts" by various people. Also, it's been suggested by Page 6 that the shiner and bloody eye Brandon has been sporting lately were given to him by his own father during a fight. Oh, if only daddy-Davis had smacked Brandon around when he was young and it still could've done some good. Now it's too late for his bitch-ass, and for Jason's big fat gay bitch-ass. And yet society is still forced to endure these useless fuckwads. How is that fair, I ask you?

Personally, I can't wait for the first picture of these losers begging on the street. I can just see Brandon now, standing next to the freeway with a big sign that says "Will lay around doing nothing for pot." And Jason lying on top of a refrigerator box with this thumb in his mouth, dreaming of rainbow lollipops and Perez's dick.

(source)

Drawn By His Overpowering Aroma...

Brandon Davis has himself a girlfriend. He was walking around one day and this bitch just started following him. He couldn't get rid of her so he decided he might as well fuck her. A strong petroleum-and-booze odor is apparently irresistible to certain females.

Brandon Davis's Family Tells Him To Get Lost

If ever you were going to begin feeling sorry for revolting human shit-stain Brandon Davis, now would be the time. Brandon, according to Page 6, has had his money cut off by his family, who are sick and tired of his boozing and drugging. And Brandon can't count on any financial support from old pals like Paris Hilton and Stavros Niarchos either - both have ceased taking his calls. The only one who'll take pity on old Greasy is Scott Storch, who's been letting him stay at his place in Miami. Meanwhile, Brandon doesn't seem to have gotten the hint that most humans would prefer he suck a tailpipe. The other night he called ahead to the Raleigh Hotel in South Beach and told them to have six lemon drop shots, six mojitos and six Peronis waiting for him - then showed up with a blonde and a brunette and started sucking down the drinks. Apparently the women were impressed by his ability to order drinks in advance and then never pay for them. Eventually these sluts will figure out that Brandon's broke and he'll never see them again. Then he'll have to get some uglier sluts - and then they'll find out he's got no money and leave him too. Eventually there'll be no one left for him to fuck but Kathy Griffin. And at that point, finally, the Rapture will come.

(source)

Brandon Davis Terrorizes His Own Family Too

Brandon Davis has developed quite a reputation for absurd behavior in public over recent years. Many of his antics have taken place in the presence of his pal Paris Hilton - including a notorious incident where he chased Paula Abdul right away from Paris's birthday party - but Brandon showed at his older brother Alexander's wedding reception that he doesn't reserve his drunken foolishness for Paris's shindigs alone.

The trouble, according to Page 6, began when Brandon started fighting with his father, Turkish businessman Nebil Zarif. In short order Brandon was "acting belligerent" and "knocking over chairs and flower arrangements" (one of his favorite leisure activities). The nonsense was finally brought to an end with Brandon being forcibly removed from the premises, reports a witness:

Brandon got so upset, he sent tables crashing . . . he had to be carried out of the reception.

In this case it's hard to feel sorry for the victims of Brandon's stupidity. They are his family after all - and are therefore complicit in the crime of his creation. If Mr. Zarif had any honor whatsoever he would simply put his useless, socially retarded spawn out of his misery - but of course no one lives by that sort of code anymore. So Brandon will go on acting the imbecile, disrupting social occasions and generally making everyone around him miserable. Hopefully, the day will come when a bus mercifully runs him over, or someone he owes money has him rubbed out, or he is eaten by wild animals, or he drowns in his own oily secretions.

(source)

Brandon Davis Makes People Sick

Oily heir Brandon Davis was seen in Miami last week with a new girlfriend, some large-breasted chick named Caroline (hooker). Creepy Brandon and his squishy squeeze reportedly spent an entire evening at club Prive making-out - and making everyone around them sick. Said a Page 6 source:

It was gross.

Yes, but look at the bright side: Paris will be out soon, so Brandon can quit the revolting PDAs and return to his favorite hobby: berating Paris's friends and birthday party guests.

(source)

Brandon Davis - Irritable Drunk

Brandon knows more words than I thought.