Jennifer Hudson On Today

Dreamgirl Jennifer Hudson shows off her boobs...er, I mean Oscar...on this morning's Today show. Wow, Jennifer sure is proud of her boobs...er...Oscar. I bet she's going to polish up those boobs...I mean, that Oscar...and stick it up on the mantle for everyone to see. Man, it must be great having boobs...I mean it must be great having an Oscar. You know, it really makes your life easier if you have big juicy bazoombas...ah...eh...if you have an Oscar, it makes your life easier, cause you can get lots of roles...parts you wouldn't be able to get it if you had little tiny mosquito-bite boobs...I mean if you didn't have an Oscar...I mean boobs...ah...I don't know what I mean. Curse you Jennifer's boobs...

Who The Hell Is Jessica Biel Screwing?

Jessica Biel's the hottest thing in show-biz right now, at least going by the number of male celebrities who want to add her to their list of conquests. In just the last week, Biel, star of the acclaimed mystery The Illusionist, has found herself targeted by not one but two heat-seeking Hollywood bedroom-missiles - hunky actor Ryan Reynolds, and well-known sex addict Wilmer Valderrama.

Last week, Page 6 declared that Biel and Valderrama looked like "a hot new couple" when they danced together at the Rose Bar in the Gramercy Park Hotel. "They were in deep conversation," reported a witness. "Then, Latin music was playing and he twirled her about. They seemed to be together all night." But today, Just Jared says that Biel was in the company of Reynolds on Oscar night, and that the two of them left the GQ Oscar party together.

Now, it would be really easy to call Jessica Biel a slut right here, especially since she allegedly also had relationships with Justin Timberlake and baseballer Derek Jeter recently, but I'm not going to go there. I don't think Jessica is a slut - I think she's just picky. I mean, girls - you know how you are. You walk into a clothing store or something, and what, you just grab the first thing your eye falls on? Of course not. You've got to browse. You've got to try different stuff on. You've got to try something on, put it back, then try something else, then take the first thing and try that again, then end up buying neither. And why should Jessica be any different? All right, granted, we are talking about men here, which is somewhat different than clothes - but not all that different, really, when you think about it. I mean, for Jessica, who can have about any man she wants, picking a boyfriend probably is a lot like shopping for clothes. You know, there's more to consider than just whether something is comfortable. You've got to look good in it. It's got to make you feel sexy. So, Jessica is just shopping around, looking for the right fit. Timberlake - yeah, he was a little too harsh for her. Jeter - too ordinary. Valderrama - kind of second-hand, sort of scratchy, not really a great color. Reynolds - ooh, Jessica would look really good with Ryan Reynolds on her. He's totally hot, and for once Jessica would actually be the feminine one in the couple. I think we have a winner folks!

Jessica Still Not Blonde

Jessica Simpson has still not gone back blonde. What is she waiting for? Congressional action? Everyone hates this look Jessica. In fact, everyone hates you. Well, I shouldn't say that - I'm sure there are some young children who like you. But children don't know any better. And of course there's your father Joe - we all know how he feels about you. Your boobies especially. Joe really likes your boobies.

Mischa Walks The Dog

Dog: cute. Mischa: stoned.

Lindsay At Work And Play

Lindsay Lohan on the set of I Know Who Killed Me. Is she playing Jessica Simpson in this movie? No. She doesn't look nearly manic enough to be Jessica Simpson. Plus John Mayer isn't sniffing her crotch.

Lindsay hits Patrick Whitesell's late-night Oscar after-party. Yeah, Lindsay doesn't go to those stodgy Oscar parties with all the old ladies and kids. She only goes to the hard-core ones. Dressed like Tina Turner. And looking older than Tina Turner. But, on the bright side, at least she still has her hair. For now.

Keira Knightley Looks Like Death

So Keira Knightley has totally gone off on this "I'm not a glamour girl" kick. She's doing a pretty good job of it too. I mean, looking at her there - yeah, I wouldn't guess she was a movie star either. I would guess she was on her way home from the methadone clinic. And not home to some posh apartment either, but some dingy little hole with roaches everywhere and water-stains and nothing in the fridge but some moldy cheese. A little TV with rabbit-ears on top of a milk-crate. An old afghan-covered couch sagging from the weight of all the carcasses that have deposited themselves there, as if their ghosts were all piled up there, the collected weight of all those wretched souls.

A Few Last Oscar Bits...

1. Tortured Kiki

Kirsten Dunst did not handle the pressure of Oscar night well. According to Us Weekly, Dunst's stress began with her seafoam Chanel dress (which garnered mixed reviews from fashion watchers). During the ceremony, Dunst is reported to have said to her friend, "I don't feel really relaxed. ... I don't want to spill water on this dress or you can see through it." And the tension only mounted for Kiki as her presenting turn approached. "I want to get it over with so I can go relax," she reportedly told her friend. "I can't fuck up my speech. I am presenting Best Screenplay and it will be career suicide if I fuck it up. I really need water. I just want to get out of here already."

And just imagine how she'd be if she were actually nominated for something. Ha - what am I saying? Kirsten Dunst nominated? For what? Best Drunk-Ass Ho? They don't have that category yet. But if they did, Dunst would be in the running every damn year.

2. Punk-Ass Eddie

Eddie Murphy is not only a loser, he's an ingracious loser. Last night, when the former comedian learned he'd lost the Best Supporting Actor prize to Alan Arkin, the self-important, pouting schmo immediately got up and left the ceremony, not even bothering to stick around for co-star Jennifer Hudson's triumph, or her and Beyonce's big musical number.

What's the matter Eddie, can't stand getting your butt kicked by an old man? Aw, poor Eddie, didn't get his wittle Oscar. Well, let me tell you Ed - you didn't deserve it. Dreamgirls was mediocre at best, and you - you were not so hot, Ed. A shticky impersonation of James Brown and a couple adequate dramatic scenes do not a great performance make. You only got nominated for the novelty value - hey, let's give Eddie Murphy an Oscar nomination, that'll be different. Face it Ed, you haven't done anything worthwhile since Coming to America, with the possible exception of the voice-work you've done as the donkey in Shrek. And how fitting that one of your best roles would be as an ass.

3. Katie Weirds People Out

Katie Holmes had people talking last night at the Vanity Fair after-party - not about her dress or looks, but about her wacked-out behavior in the presence of her master Tom. Basically, Katie acted like a robot. When Tom tried getting some photogs to take a picture of Katie alone on the red-carpet, his brainwashed wife refused, clinging to him. Tom then spent the rest of red-carpet session schmoozing, Katie holding his hand all the while and never talking. Then later, Tom again asked Katie to have her picture taken solo, and this time she relented - but kept looking back to him for directions.

Congratulations Tom - you've succeeded in sucking every last ounce of will from Katie's body. Finally you have someone who won't criticize you, won't make you feel inferior, won't refuse anything you ask. You've got yourself a little flesh-and-blood blow-up doll to do with as you please. God, this man is sick - sick right down to the very core. Because he can't interact properly with people, and is so crazy and insecure, he has to create himself a little mindless companion who only does what he tells her. Does that make you feel like a man Tom? Powerful? Nicole Kidman was too much for you, wasn't she? Your pitiful little ego couldn't take the bruising. So, now poor Katie has to suffer because you have a complex. God I hope you're proud of yourself.