Keeping Up Appearances

Jessica Biel is interrupting her successful career as the chick with the great ass who's sleeping with Justin Timberlake to tackle a role in the comedy Fucking Engaged.

Yes, that's the title, Fucking Engaged. Or, F*****g Engaged, by the time the swear-police get done with it.

Not surprisingly, the film is described as a "raunchy comedy." In it, Biel will play an engaged woman who makes a pact with her man to have sex every day until they get married.

Basically, it's a thumb in the eye of traditionalists who think young people should save themselves for after they've officially thrown their lives away by becoming hitched.

Honestly, I don't know why Biel bothers. She can't act. Her movies are awful. She is more famous for having her picture taken than she will ever be for anything she does on the big screen.

She is basically a better-behaved, less-drug-addled, not-prematurely-aging Lindsay Lohan. In other words, irrelevant.

Leave It To Granny

Justin Timberlake's granny has cut through all the bullshit about him and Jessica Biel and told us what the truth is: That Justin just wants to fuck around, while Jessica is some kind of desperate clinging Aniston-like pathetic wretch who never got the message that Justin had no interest in marriage.

"Jessica was keen to marry, but Justin isn't ready," granny Sadie Bomar revealed. "As far as we're concerned, he's always been single.

"The girlfriends come and go," granny added, "but we believe nothing has ever been serious."

Do you think Jessica has gotten the message now? No, probably not.

It Was Over Before I Cared That It Had Begun

Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake have elected to change the course of their relationship. From now on, if they fuck, it will be as two people who are not officially seeing each other. In other words, it will be a healthy relationship.

Us Weekly says Timberlake "ended" the relationship a month ago with a phone call, and that Jessica is "in severe denial" about the split. Well, here's what you do Jess. You lift some weights, get really buff, then find a guy who looks just like him and beat the living shit out of him.

Or, you could get another one of those absurd pitbulls you like so much, again find a guy who looks just like Justin, and have the dog rip his balls off.

Or you could, you know, just find another effeminate no-talent to fuck.

Jessica Biel Is Destroying The Internet

According to internet security experts, Jessica Biel is the celebrity most favored by virus-spreaders seeking to hijack searches. A new report says a full one out of five Biel searches leads the innocent Googler to a site that propagates malware.

It's just like I've always though: Jessica Biel is ruining the internet. Nay, the world.

Experts say Beyonce, Jennifer Aniston, Tom Brady and Jessica Simpson are the other most-favored celebs by hackers and other web troublemakers. Conspicuous by her absence on this list is Angelina Jolie. Which leads me to believe that Angelina is in charge of the hackers.

Some Bitches Never Learn

Diane Lane must've known even before Josh Brolin got caught cheating that he was a no-good dirty dog, but that long experience, plus the public embarrassment associated with his being outed as a philandering piece of shit, are evidently not sufficient to convince her she should get her fine fanny out of that relationship. Yes, Diane is sticking by him. In Touch says it's because Barbra Streisand, Josh's stepmom, convinced Diane she needed to tough it out, for the children. So now Diane is moving to New Orleans where Josh is shooting a movie, to keep her eye on him.

First off, why is Streisand butting in? And why is she taking sides with Josh - who's not even her real son for cripes sake - against a woman who has clearly been wronged, and is clearly too addle-minded to know what's right for herself? What happened to sisterhood, Barbra?

I actually feel sort of sorry for Josh in all this. If he'd cheated on, say, Jessica Biel, all the gossiping bitches would've laughed and perhaps even applauded. But he fucked with their girl Diane Lane - the girl whose shitty fantasy movies about Tuscany help them through their own tribulations (the drugs help as well). That's like fucking with the Pope in front of a bunch of Catholics. There's gonna be a beatdown. Josh must know there's no way for him to win, which is probably why he keeps fucking around. He just figures fuck it. Plus he's got Barbra on his side.

Diane really should just dump him - better for her, better for him - then tell Streisand to go fuck herself if she can still find her vagina after all these millennia.

Hat But No Stache?

Jessica Biel should stop waxing her lip. Then she could get on the hat-and-stache bandwagon. I know - Justin doesn't like the way it tickles. Sucks to be him. You can't let your bitch run your life like that. If you wanna go full Billy Dee Williams, then you should just do it. Don't be going all bearded on us though Jess. You may be half-Sasquatch but that doesn't mean you have to advertise.

The New It Girl

Kristen Stewart is the new It Girl. We remember her as Supertramp's would-be teenage girlfriend in Into the Wild. The one he gave up because she was too young and he had to get back to killing himself the long, slow, stupid way (it's called a map - look into it). She's starring in this new movie Twilight now which I wouldn't see if it came with a free blow-job. She's undeniably beautiful with her perfect skin and sultry eyes and little hint of naughtiness but...can she act? God I'm sick of the bimbos. Say what you want about Gwyneth Paltrow - she's not a complete empty-head, and it was refreshing to have someone with actual talent as Pepper in Iron Man. Can you imagine if it had been Biel or, God forbid, Alba instead? Stewart can position herself as the alternative to the Disney crop coming up. She can be the anti-Hudgens, the anti-Cyrus, the anti-Tisdale. Now we need to find an anti-Efron out there somewhere. A hot piece of man who doesn't seem stuck on himself, who doesn't seem like he takes an hour working on his hair every day, who doesn't seem caught in a perpetual adolescence. Where have all the Robert Mitchums gone? Or the George Clooneys, for that matter.

Pig Piggy Back

How far do you think Timberlake got before he had to set her down? Three steps? Biel's a big girl. She arm-wrestles orangutans in her spare time.

Shiny Jacket

I like Justin Timberlake's shiny jacket. It says, "I may like to dress like a redneck truck-stop denizen in my battered cap and t-shirt and paint-spattered jeans, but I'm still Hollywood." And Biel? "I may be a dude, but I still have nice tits."

Joke's On Someone

Why are Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake smiling?

A. She just sucked his dick.
B. He just sucked her dick.
C. They just watched one of Biel's pitbulls tear a poodle to shreds.
D. They just saw The Seventh Seal and didn't really get it.
E. They're just flat-out retarded.

Biel in No Rush to Marry

She-Hulk told Harper's Bazaar that she's in no rush to marry Justin Timberlake or anyone else:

The actual idea of signing those papers and doing all this stuff ... I’ve never been someone who’s like, "I have to, have to, have to have it."

Biel also talks about her struggles to fit in in Hollywood:

I felt for a long time that I wasn’t ballsy enough. Not cool enough. Not strong enough. Too much of a pushover.

That explains the bodybuilder physique and the pitbulls. This chick has the psyche of the kid in the Charles Atlas ads. Someone kicked sand in her face. She probably practices with nunchucks a lot. She's a weird one, anyhow.

Jessica Biel is a Tranny Corpse

Jessica Biel is so beautiful. Seriously. Look at her. She's just radiant. So glamorous and lovely. Not the least bit freakish and masculine.

Tranny Freak-Out

Jessica Biel gets mad at paps and tells them to get a real job. How hilarious - a chick whose career is based on the fact that she has a big ass telling someone else to get a real job.

Rihanna Went Home With Timberlake

MediaTakeOut claims Justin Timberlake and Rihanna left a VMA after-party together last evening - despite Jessica Biel actually being there with Justin. Reports the site:

According to our source, who is a well known actor, Rihanna snuck out of the Palms hotel after-party with Justin and the two weren't seen again for the rest of the night. The insider told MediaTakeOut.com, "Justin and Rihanna were hanging out and [talking] for a while. Then they both got up all nonchalant and left together ... It was crazy because Jessica [Biel] was there and she was looking all over for [Justin] ... Poor girl."

Jessica - we'd like to feel sorry for you, but frankly, that's what you get for going around with a guy like Justin. Dude's incorrigible. He got one look at that fine little hussy Rihanna and that was pretty much it. As for Rihanna's alleged boyfriend Shia LaBeouf - well Shia, look at the bright side...Jessica Biel's probably available now. Maybe she likes little wired-up dorky dudes.

(source)

Timberlake Still A Playah

Is Justin Timberlake two-timing Jessica Biel? A story in Page 6 suggests that Justin is at least keeping his options open. The report, from eyewitnesses at a recent HBO party on the roof of the Tribeca Grand in New York, says Timberlake spent an evening in the company of a "bronze-skinned brunette." Said a source:

It was just the two of them...he had no entourage. ... They were obviously into each other.

Not that Jessica wasn't already aware of Justin's reputation. But, you know how those things go - these girls all think they can change a guy. Obviously, Justin is a shameless cad, one even Biel and her fabulous booty lack the power to steer onto the straight-and-narrow path. I wonder if Jessica will still be willing to fly off to Europe whenever Justin calls now. Probably not. Unless she's one of these pathetic chicks who enjoy being trampled. I doubt it though - she strikes me as more of the fighter type. If Justin's wearing a black eye the next time we see him, I think we'll all know where it came from. Hell - he'd probably enjoy Jessica kicking his ass, the sick freak.

(source)

Jessica Biel Has A Hot Armpit, So I'm Told

Jessica Biel's armpit smells like:

A. An old jock-strap
B. Andre the Giant
C. A hobo has been living there since 1984
D. Tranny-juice
E. The armpit of a mediocre actress who is only paid attention to by the media because she is alleged to have an incredible ass

Jessica Biel Wants To Be A Woman Now

Jessica Biel tries dressing like a girl. This only makes her look even more like a tranny. Wow - check out those greens. Even her colon is in great shape.

Biel Arrives In Stockholm

Jessica Biel arrives in Stockholm to meet up with boyfriend Justin Timberlake who is currently on-tour. Apparently, whenever Justin gets a little itch he just calls Jessica and she comes and sits on his dick and everything is all better. Of course, recently Justin denied having anything but a nice friendly feeling for Jessica, and said he doesn't really want her on tour with him:

She truly insisted that she came with me on tour. I don't know how to say no to a pretty face. But it wasn't really a good idea. This time I'm putting the machine before everything else. Jessica met up with me in Manchester, but for Paris I told her categorically no. This tour is very important for me. I'm doing it really seriously so there's no question of playing sweethearts.

He doesn't know how to say no to an ass that looks like two basketballs wrapped in spandex. Typical man Justin. All talk.

Justin Timberlake Has His Hos Flown In

Justin Timberlake is rich and famous man. Which means that, when he gets the itch, he doesn't just look for some local poon - he has a high-class Hollywood bitch flown in for his personal use.

In this case, the high-class tail belonged to Jessica Biel, a woman long-linked to Timberlake, and more recently to human growth hormones (Have you seen the guns on this girl? She should do Over the Top 2 with Stallone). According to the Daily Mirror, Timberlake, who is currently on-tour in the UK, had Jessica jetted in so she could join him for dinner at a chicken joint in Manchester, then enjoy a Manchester United soccer match with him. Later, Jessica reportedly bench-pressed Timberlake, wowing on-lookers. Sorry but I just can't get over Biel's guns. What the fuck possesses a woman to want to look like that? Any man who finds that sexy is only fooling himself that he's a heterosexual. And we all know that Timberlake has been fooling himself about that for a long time.

Biel, I should think, represents the best of both worlds for a guy like Justin. When she wraps her powerful arms around him, it makes him feel safe and secure. But she also has a vagina - presumably - which comes in handy for those moments when Justin feels like putting his dick someplace other than some man's hairy ass. That's what you call a win-win, if I'm not mistaken.

(source)

Jessica Biel Under Obama's Spell

Starlet Jessica Biel attends a Barack Obama fundraising event. My goodness, what's happened to Jessica? It appears that Barack has placed her under his hypnotic spell.



Barack Obama's powers are great and mysterious. Look for the video of Jessica and Hillary's three-way with Scarlett Johansson on YouTube.