1. Tortured Kiki
Kirsten Dunst did not handle the pressure of Oscar night well. According to Us Weekly, Dunst's stress began with her seafoam Chanel dress (which garnered mixed reviews from fashion watchers). During the ceremony, Dunst is reported to have said to her friend, "I don't feel really relaxed. ... I don't want to spill water on this dress or you can see through it." And the tension only mounted for Kiki as her presenting turn approached. "I want to get it over with so I can go relax," she reportedly told her friend. "I can't fuck up my speech. I am presenting Best Screenplay and it will be career suicide if I fuck it up. I really need water. I just want to get out of here already."
And just imagine how she'd be if she were actually nominated for something. Ha - what am I saying? Kirsten Dunst nominated? For what? Best Drunk-Ass Ho? They don't have that category yet. But if they did, Dunst would be in the running every damn year.
2. Punk-Ass Eddie
Eddie Murphy is not only a loser, he's an ingracious loser. Last night, when the former comedian learned he'd lost the Best Supporting Actor prize to Alan Arkin, the self-important, pouting schmo immediately got up and left the ceremony, not even bothering to stick around for co-star Jennifer Hudson's triumph, or her and Beyonce's big musical number.
What's the matter Eddie, can't stand getting your butt kicked by an old man? Aw, poor Eddie, didn't get his wittle Oscar. Well, let me tell you Ed - you didn't deserve it. Dreamgirls was mediocre at best, and you - you were not so hot, Ed. A shticky impersonation of James Brown and a couple adequate dramatic scenes do not a great performance make. You only got nominated for the novelty value - hey, let's give Eddie Murphy an Oscar nomination, that'll be different. Face it Ed, you haven't done anything worthwhile since Coming to America, with the possible exception of the voice-work you've done as the donkey in Shrek. And how fitting that one of your best roles would be as an ass.
3. Katie Weirds People Out
Katie Holmes had people talking last night at the Vanity Fair after-party - not about her dress or looks, but about her wacked-out behavior in the presence of her master Tom. Basically, Katie acted like a robot. When Tom tried getting some photogs to take a picture of Katie alone on the red-carpet, his brainwashed wife refused, clinging to him. Tom then spent the rest of red-carpet session schmoozing, Katie holding his hand all the while and never talking. Then later, Tom again asked Katie to have her picture taken solo, and this time she relented - but kept looking back to him for directions.
Congratulations Tom - you've succeeded in sucking every last ounce of will from Katie's body. Finally you have someone who won't criticize you, won't make you feel inferior, won't refuse anything you ask. You've got yourself a little flesh-and-blood blow-up doll to do with as you please. God, this man is sick - sick right down to the very core. Because he can't interact properly with people, and is so crazy and insecure, he has to create himself a little mindless companion who only does what he tells her. Does that make you feel like a man Tom? Powerful? Nicole Kidman was too much for you, wasn't she? Your pitiful little ego couldn't take the bruising. So, now poor Katie has to suffer because you have a complex. God I hope you're proud of yourself.
