Beyonce Wants Clint

25-year-old pop-star Beyonce wants 76-year-old Hollywood legend Clint Eastwood - to be her director. Says Beyonce, "I think Clint Eastwood is amazing. I'd love to be directed by him in a film." Right Beyonce - that's going to happen. Million Dollar Baby 2 starring Beyonce. Grizzled old fart Clint Eastwood trains spunky young inner-city girl Beyonce in the ways of pugilism. It should be a musical. On second thought, I just remembered Clint's singing in Paint Your Wagon. It should not be a musical. On third thought, I just remembered Beyonce's acting in Dreamgirls. I'd rather listen to Eastwood sing. Hell, I'd rather watch Eastwood take a crap in the woods. I'd rather stare at his hairy old wrinkled ball-sack than see Beyonce in anything. I'd rather see Clint Eastwood take Peter O'Toole from behind than watch Beyonce for even ten seconds.

Have I made it clear that I don't want to see Beyonce? Good.

Jacko Still Big In Tokyo

Michael Jackson is apparently not a pariah everywhere. Here he is in Tokyo, being greeted like a huge star by the assembled knuckleheads. It probably shouldn't surprise us that the Japanese would still dig Michael Jackson. I mean, look at the kind of stuff they put on TV over there:



You think those two A-bombs we dropped on them scrambled their genes a bit?

Britney Tried To Hang Herself

British tabloid News Of The World is once again out in front in making up bullshit about reporting news of Britney Spears's erratic mental state. The latest little tidbit from NOTW has the Britster going completely loco in Promises - writing 666 on her bald dome, running around screaming she was the anti-Christ and then trying to hang herself with a bedsheet. Okay, it sounds preposterous, but - how do we know Britney isn't the anti-Christ? I mean, where does it say the anti-Christ has to be a man? If God can be a woman...

Oh, but it's not all bad news about Brit. According to NOTW, reconciliation is looming for her and Kevin Federline. Now that she's calmed down, Britney has begun the process of trying to patch it up with Kevin - they speak for hours on the phone every night, and have reportedly made plans to renew their vows once Britney gets out of rehab, and move back in together. Hope Kevin lays in a good supply of holy water. Seriously though, this is great news. Kevin was obviously the glue holding Britney together; once he left, she completely fell apart. Now think about that for a second - Kevin Federline being the only thing between you and complete mental breakdown. That's when you know you're a loopy fucker.

Sienna Miller Endorses Drug Use, Calls U.S. Government A Fascist Regime

Sienna Miller likes flapping her yap. Luckily for her, there are plenty of people wanting to interview her. Like Simon Hattenstone of The Guardian. He chatted with Sienna recently about a multitude of topics. And she was not shy about giving her opinions. Some choice bits:

On her apology over her infamous Shitsburgh comment:

...I was halfway through shooting a movie called The Mysteries Of Pittsburgh and the producers were understandably very distressed at the riot I had caused, so it was kind of damage control. I understand the patriotism of that city, but really I don't think it was that big a deal. I had to meet the mayor live on TV and apologise. It was huge! People are dying in Iraq and where is our focus, d'you know what I mean? Having met me, you'll realise these things just come out. I think it might be mild Tourette's, not to insult people who have proper Tourette's, but I will say the most inappropriate things at the most inappropriate time to the most inappropriate person. Always. Guaranteed.

(Mild Tourette's? How about acute fucktardiness? "People are dying in Iraq and where is our focus?" Yes Sienna, you're right - people are dying in Iraq. But your little dust-up in Pittsburgh was taking everyone's attention away from it. That's how important it was. In fact, had it not been for that diversion, we probably would be out of Iraq by now. Thanks a lot Shitsburghians!)

On other "funny" nicknames she and her friends have come up with for American places:

Massivetwoshits is Massachusetts. Connecticunt, or Connectibutt. We came up with loads ... But I don't deliberately hurt anybody. And, actually, I like Pittsburgh, I do.

(How did you miss West Vagina and Missipeepee, Sienna?)

On being famous for being Jude Law's woman:

It was like best of times, worst of times. I don't want to talk about Jude out of respect to him, but at the point that it was happening I was falling madly in love with him. In one sense it was a really happy time. I'm not going to talk about what it was like, because it was really intense and really intimidating. Boring!...

It made me nervous. But you know, you'd take active steps to rectify that. I did a play, which is something I'd always wanted to do, four months of Shakespeare in the West End - you can't say you're in this for the wrong reasons or for celebrity. I love my job, I've always loved my job.

(She respects Jude. Please. She has about as much regard for him as I do for yesterday's toilet paper. And oh, she did Shakespeare to prove she was a real actress and not just Jude Law's woman. Of course that worked.)

On dealing with the paparazzi:

...I think it's adrenaline. You feel you're in a video sometimes. I play these games to make it more amusing, like I'm Lara Croft or something. So I find myself ducking behind cars and I've got my girlfriends and we once filled a supersquirter with pee and squirted it at them.

(Sienna Miller as Lara Croft. Don't tell Angelina or she'll get pissed. And again, very mature behavior from Sienna. Dousing photographers with urine. Let me guess - after that you lit a bag of turd and left it on their step?)

On playing Edie Sedgwick:

It was my decision to try to immerse myself in that character, and I was playing somebody who was self-destructive and sometimes it was upsetting ... So after I'd been researching it for a year I had this way of talking and this way of laughing, this way of smoking, this way of dancing, this whole character that you've worked on, and then it's like, 'It's a wrap, bye, guys, bye,' and you're like, 'Eeeeeugh, what do I do with it, what do I do now?' That's why a lot of actors, straight after a film, go away on holiday for two weeks, turn their phones off, and I didn't. I was like a little bit confused, a little overwhelmed. I had fun being that person. It's not like I sat there talking like Edie and making people call me Edie, but I didn't want to take the black tights off and I still don't.

(Sienna Miller - method-actress. Right. Her and Al Pacino.)

On her drug use while playing Edie Sedgwick:

I didn't up my drug intake...Edie shot up amphetamine and shot up heroin to come down off amphetamine and that's serious drug-taking, and look where it got her. And I'm not irresponsible by any means in that way. And I didn't drink more - bear in mind I was working 18-hour days. ... I took a morphine pill, just to feel what a safe way of taking heroin was like.

(Hmm, maybe you should've taken drugs Sienna. Then you might be interesting now.)

On why people take drugs:

'Cos they're fun! 'Cos they're fuckloads of fun! No, don't write that. I always end up putting my big fat foot in it.

(Sienna Miller admits she has a big fat foot, and that it's always in it. What is it always in? Some of the mess left over from Massivetwoshits?)

On what makes her angry:

George Bush. Dick Cheney, more importantly, the most terrifying man. The fact that we're fighting a war in Iraq and most of the people over there dying don't even know why they're there. There's an image of Americans in a tank, and an Iraqi woman walks down the street and she sees the tank and the soldiers just run her over. They think she's getting a weapon and they shoot her, and she's holding a white hankie. It's the most futile ... it upsets me more than anything. Also, I don't want to pretend we live in a democracy when we've got 78% of the country that don't want to be at war, and we're still at war. Basically, we're living under a fascist regime.

(We're living under a fascist regime. Well, you know Sienna, you're welcome to leave any time you like. In fact, if you're so concerned about what's happening in Iraq, why don't you go over there? Poke around a little bit. Don't bother about a flak-jacket or any of that - I'm sure nothing will happen. You're a celebrity. Everyone knows celebrities never get hurt.)

Nicole Richie Needs A Drink Of Something

Slender attention-whore Nicole Richie was taken to the hospital Friday and treated for dehydration. So, bitch doesn't eat or drink? What does she put in her mouth then? Oh, wait...don't answer that.

By the way, it says Nicole was filming The Simple Life when she fell ill. All right - they're still filming The Simple Life? Haven't they made fun of every redneck in America yet? Seriously, The Simple Life - it's nothing but Borat for idiots. Not that I've ever actually watched The Simple Life. All right, maybe I caught a few minutes here and there. Like the part where Paris had never heard of Wal-Mart. That was kind of interesting - I was always under the impression that Paris bought her clothes there.

That's One Talented Butt

Oh, the perils of bending over in the presence of photographers. Not that the owner of this butt has anything to be ashamed of. That there's a fine butt. Still, I'm sure this particular woman would prefer not being seen from this angle. That's not the way she rolls. She's a celeb who's respected for her work, not her willingness to put her body-parts on display. In fact, I'm pretty sure she would think this entire post was frivolous and dumb - and she would be right. But, what am I supposed to do? I happen upon a picture of a famous person's butt - am I supposed to not run it? Not make hideously inappropriate comments? All right, I know - I should have a counter-intuitive response once and awhile. See the butt, but not post the butt. Prove that I have a little character. Ha! Like that will ever happen. No, sorry - I have a responsibility here. If I find a picture of a butt, and that butt belongs to someone well-known, I have an obligation to share that butt with others. The butt's owner may want their butt kept private, but, when you're in the public eye - well, those are the breaks. Or the cracks. Or whatever...

Oh, by the way - the owner of that particular butt? Two-time Oscar winner Jodie Foster.

She's trying to get away from that Petco as fast as she can with her kids. But, the photogs were too quick for her. They got the money shot. Or, the money-maker shot, in this case.

Jared Leto Gets His Ass Kicked

Jared Leto wants to be a hard-ass rock n' roll star, not a doey-eyed teen-idol. He might consider taking some karate lessons if he wants to continue living, however. At a show in El Paso, Texas, Leto, for reasons not yet made clear, decided to wade into the crowd of drunken nitwits - drunken Texas nitwits - and found himself getting pummeled. The net result: a broken nose, a foot injury and superficial boo-boos on his face and body.

Who knew there were so many Elijah Wood fans in Texas?

Now, given what a dipshit Leto has been, it would be easy to gloat over him for this - but I'm not going to do it. I'm above that sort of thing. In fact, I'm going to take Jared's side. There is absolutely no excuse for the way those rowdy fans acted. I mean, he's Jared Leto for God's sake - treat the man with a little respect, okay? Keep your grubby Texas hands off him. And stop blowing your disgusting beer-breath in his face. He's a highly-regarded musician and actor - and what are you? Some dirtbag who works at Home Depot. You should feel privileged to even be in his presence. In fact, you should be bowing down to him. Kissing his feet. Asking him to bless your first-born. He's fricking Jared Leto, not some turdbag with a rusty pick-up and a toothless, pregnant girlfriend. God, people are so unappreciative.